What happened to those children who lacked love since childhood?

Some time ago, the news that Bi Xixi, a 24-year-old Chinese international student, died suddenly after being beaten by her foreign boyfriend Matthews spread throughout the circle of friends. Last month, this case that attracted the attention of Chinese people around the world finally got a happy result after a 10-day court trial: the murderer Matthews was convicted of murder and sentenced to life imprisonment! However, when Dan’s mother saw the details of the entire murder case on Zhihu, she still couldn’t help but feel chills running down her spine: During the autopsy, the forensic doctor stated that Bi Xixi suffered a “long-term, sustained and repeated” vicious beating before his death— —Matthews dragged Bi Xixi by her hair to the room that night, lifted her up twice and threw her against the door frame and cabinet, and then beat her with fists and an iron rod for a long time, causing her jaw to be broken and multiple Broken ribs… as many as 41 wounds all over the body! So many old wounds! Even on the ribs, the forensic doctor found multiple wounds that had healed from fractures a few weeks ago, and the whole body was covered in bruises… so scary! After checking, there is not much information about Bi Xixi on the Internet. Baidu shows that her father is the CEO of a domestic company with a net worth of tens of billions. She has a good family background and has been proficient in four languages ​​since she was a child. She studied in the UK at the age of 15, completed her undergraduate studies at the age of 20, and studied for a master\’s degree. However, I saw from Bi Xixi’s Facebook that she does not seem to be a glamorous and wealthy academic. Instead, she often reveals her anxiety and inferiority in her words: During the 8 years of studying abroad, she has been working hard to lose weight. There are a lot of weight loss pills. Her boyfriend\’s tall and handsome appearance gives her confidence in front of others, but may also make her feel even more inferior in front of her boyfriend. In her diary she called herself a \”loser\”! In her diary, her \”parents\” did not seem to be the relatives she could turn to for help when she encountered troubles, but rather pressures that \”put a lot of pressure on her\” and made her even pray to \”take me away from this world.\” By. Excellent grades and a superior family background did not seem to bring her happiness and confidence. She lacked everything, but she only lacked love. In order to retain the abnormal love that her boyfriend gave her, Bi Xixi always tolerated and tried to please her: she bought him a car, paid the rent, paid all kinds of money, and was even beaten. I missed classes and owed homework, and was asked to re-study by the school, but I still didn\’t leave this man. She is afraid of her boyfriend\’s violence, but she seems to be more inseparable from his fierce confession to her every time after a beating: \”I beat you because I really love you and care about you so much\”; he takes great care of her. : Kiss her wounds and then have sex, even after the violent beating before her death. Matthews said that this is a common way for them to reconcile… If it hadn\’t been for this accident, it\’s hard to imagine how long she would have endured and been numb in such sadomasochism… Bi Xixi\’s death makes us sad, It makes every parent, especially those with daughters, think deeply: a child with a well-off family, excellent academic performance, and a well-behaved and motivated child faced such a heartbroken man. Until her death, she did not choose to leave, nor call the police, nor seek help. , did not even reveal any of his experiences and pain to his parents, relatives and friends, but chose such a humble and dignified attitude, endured in silence, and finally died in silence… Bi Xixi\’s childhoodWhat have you experienced? We don\’t know, but Dan\’s mother thought of a Japanese movie she saw many years ago – \”The Life of the Disliked Matsuko\”. The heroine Songzi\’s experience when she grew up is surprisingly similar to Bi Xixi. I believe many people have watched this movie. It has a very high rating on Douban, 8.9 points. Maybe after watching this movie, we can understand from a deeper perspective the psychology of countless girls like Bi Xixi who encounter scumbags but don’t know how to stop their losses, and who are trapped in violence but can’t escape: Like every child, Songzi in the play He has longed for his father\’s attention since he was a child, but his father has always only cared about his frail and sick sister: • He will always prepare gifts for his sister • He will always smile at his sister and always be critical of her and look serious • He will only give gifts to his sister Storytelling: But she forgot that her other daughter was always outside the ward, waiting expectantly for her father\’s performance, which made Songzi subconsciously think that her father did not love her since she was a child, and that her father\’s love required her to work hard to please her. , and even strive for it by distorting oneself. One time after returning from the hospital, her father had dinner alone with her for the first time: he took her to see a clown show for the first time. While the whole audience laughed at the clown\’s grimace, her father remained stern. With a smile on her face, Songzi subconsciously imitated a clown and made a face at her father: her father, who had never smiled at her, couldn\’t help but laugh. That was perhaps the happiest day in Songzi\’s life. His father\’s smile is like a treasure, and Songzi, who has never been loved by his father, seems to have discovered some shocking secret. From then on, she always made this face to please her father. Every day, she works hard to become the daughter in her father\’s heart, go to the school that her father wants her to study, and do the career that her father wants her to do, just to make her father like her, look at her one more time, and smile at her one more time. But as an adult, this \”pleasant\” personality that had been rooted in her heart since childhood almost ruined Songzi\’s life. Songzi\’s first job was as a teacher. The school suspected that a student in her class had stolen money. She confronted the student, but the student refused to admit it and pushed her to the ground. Her first reaction was that it was her fault. In desperation, she stole money from her roommate\’s teacher to repay the student, but the school thought she was the one who stole the money, and she lost her job. Of course she had no face to face her father for such a shameful thing, so she ran away from home and embarked on a deformed path to find love. Songzi, who has never received love from her original family, desperately longs for love from men. Even if she is beaten, works as a mistress, or is even forced to sell herself to support the family, she still works hard to please her father without hesitation and humility, just like she did when she was a child. Let her man spend one more moment with her and look at her one more time. However, in love, flattery often cannot be exchanged for true love, and sacrifice is often disliked. Songzi was abandoned again and again in love. And every time, just like when she was ignored by her father when she was a child, she was alone and asked herself and the sky again and again: \”Why?\” \”Am I not doing good enough?\”! The last time she faced the love invitation extended by the man Aaron, she hesitated. It was raining outside the window and she sat on the ground alone.Thinking hard: She knew that being with this gangster Aaron was not a good ending. But it is better to have someone to love than to be alone. Songzi once again went to the hell of so-called \”love\”. When she was passionately in love, she repeatedly asked Aaron to repeat: \”I will always be with Songzi\”, which seemed to give her endless peace of mind. From a psychological perspective, this can actually be seen as an obvious \”retrograde\” behavior, a \”compensation\” behavior for a sense of security. Songzi in love is like a baby, crying to call his mother again and again, asking for Aaron\’s embrace and care; like a young child, he is trying to please his father again and again, begging for Aaron\’s attention and companionship. But not long after such sweetness, Aaron began to show his true colors again, punching and kicking her. Her only friend came to the door and wanted to take her away: but her answer was: Living with such an idea, Songzi finally met… It can only be an extremely tragic and absurd ending: Aaron went to jail, she waited eight years, and was eventually abandoned. Completely desperate, she spent the rest of her life alone in a room full of garbage, becoming A fat lame mother-in-law. Finally died under the sticks of a group of naughty children. The most famous line in the entire play is: \”I\’m sorry for being born a human being.\” It\’s just that Dan\’s mother feels that the people who should be sorry the most are not these children who lack love, but the parents who don\’t love their children. Maybe some people don’t understand: Can’t a person live alone? Of course, but if a person has never been loved, has never had an irreplaceable close person, or a stable attachment relationship, then his entire life will fall into a lifeless loneliness. Speaking of this, Dan’s mother recalled that when I first fell in love, I also suffered from love breakup. However, when I was most giving up on myself, my friend’s words suddenly woke me up: \”How sad will your parents be if they know you are like this? Are you worthy of it?\” Are you your parents?\” Yes, during those years when I was working alone outside, no matter whether I was broken up or disappointed… When I think of my parents, there will always be a simple but warm belief in my heart that supports me: At least I still have a dad who loves me deeply. Mom, at worst I can still go home. But one of my best friends is in a worse situation. The year before last, she was cheating on her boyfriend, and I was so angry that I scolded her just like my friends scolded me back then: \”Don\’t you still have us? How sad will your parents be if you do this?!\” My best friend raised her head blankly, as if she didn\’t understand. What am I talking about. Only then did I remember that my best friend is different from me. She was raised by her grandparents since she was a child. She spent less time with her parents and stayed away from her parents more. She has been boarding since elementary school. Her father is dignified and her mother is anxious. Her relationship with her parents has always been alienated and tense. Without the intimacy between parent and child, she also lost the warm belief that she should have gotten from her parents. Looking back on the past, from the age of 14 when she first fell in love, she was either in love or in lovelorn life and death. The loneliness of not being truly loved by anyone, the isolation of having no attachment in this world, had been attacking her. Whether it\’s Songzi in the movie, Bi Xixi who died tragically in reality, or my friend who is still looking for love. Almost all of them end up growing up because they lack the love and companionship that should come from their parents.Later, he returned to Juying in love and regarded his boyfriend as his spiritual opium. Even in the repeated beatings and scoldings of his parents, he believed that the violence he suffered was all because of his own fault. In the sadomasochism, he was attracted by the moth to the flame and regarded death as life. Some time ago, Dan\’s mother shared a popular article on the Internet, \”Love your daughter well, otherwise she will have a bumpy life.\” These words are by no means a piece of chicken soup, but have been told thousands of stories of tears and blood. proven truth. Although one\’s original family cannot completely determine a person\’s destiny, how much luck, wisdom and perseverance does it take for a person to be completely reborn from the shadows and flaws in the original family? Unimaginable. Therefore, as parents, we must love our children well, give her more hugs and responses when she is a baby; give her more companionship and encouragement when she is a toddler; and give her more companionship and encouragement when she is an adolescent. Give her more respect and understanding. The biggest focus of upbringing is to give her care, teach her independence, give her self-confidence, and teach her that her own value comes from her own soul, not from the opinions of others. In this way, when she is unable to extricate herself from a bad love full of contradictions, she will remember how her parents love her and cherish her. No man is worthy of her getting stuck in the quagmire and making herself inferior. She will always believe that she deserves more. OK Your love will eventually give her the courage to control her own destiny and become her best resistance when facing a scumbag.