What happened to those children who were too obedient?

On the eve of April Fool\’s Day, a piece of news about \”a graduate student was forced to death by his tutor\” hit the circle of friends. Tao Chongyuan is a third-year master\’s student at Wuhan University of Technology. He has been an obedient and well-behaved child since he was a child. His family conditions are not very good, so he studies very hard and his grades have always been very good. Such a good boy met a graduate tutor who had oppressed him for a long time. Usually, the tutor would ask Tao Chongyuan to help him with various chores, and even asked him to call him \”Dad\”. He often regarded Tao Chongyuan as his \”personal delivery boy.\” Screenshots of chats between Tao Chongyuan and his tutor during his lifetime, and Tao Chongyuan asked Tao Chongyuan to go to his house to wash his clothes. Even when he got up in the morning, Tao Chongyuan had to call him, as if he regarded the student as his personal nanny. In addition, most of Tao Chongyuan’s academic awards and scholarships will be donated to his mentor. When Tao Chongyuan graduated as an undergraduate, he was recommended to Huazhong University of Science and Technology due to his excellent grades. However, his supervisor strongly persuaded him to stay in graduate school under him and made a written promise, promising that if Tao Chongyuan completed his master\’s degree under him, he would give priority to recommending him to study abroad. In the end, Tao Chongyuan declined the invitation from Huazhong University of Science and Technology and chose to study under his mentor Wang. Unexpectedly, the tutor went back on his word. When Tao Chongyuan really wanted to study abroad for a PhD after graduation, the tutor forced him to stay under him and continue studying for a PhD. Tao Chongyuan decided to study abroad for graduate school, so his supervisor kicked him out of the laboratory, removed his status as a cadre, deprived him of the right to write an excellent graduation thesis, and deprived him of the right to authorize his articles. He also called foreign tutors to block his path to study, and even threatened him with not getting a master\’s degree. Although Tao Chongyuan had always chosen to endure all kinds of disrespectful treatment from his tutors in order to successfully complete his studies, the accumulated melancholy was bound to explode one day. Finally, on March 26, Tao Chongyuan fell to his death in front of his mother. \”Mom, I can\’t stand it anymore. I really don\’t know how to get rid of Teacher Wang.\” These were the last words Tao Chongyuan said to his mother before he died. It is not difficult to find that the instructor\’s attitude towards Tao Chongyuan is roughly two types: bossing him around when he is obedient, and coercing him into obedience when he is disobedient. Tao Chongyuan received various awards during his lifetime, but Tao Chongyuan\’s \”well-behaved\” attribute since childhood made him not know how to resist. Facing depressing people and things, if there is no reasonable solution and way out. Over a long period of time, people will feel trapped in darkness and have no hope for the future, and they will easily have thoughts of ending their lives. According to friends around Tao Chongyuan, Tao Chongyuan has actually been talking to them and asking others for their advice. However, everyone had different opinions, which made Tao Chongyuan even more confused, not knowing who to listen to. Children who are too obedient are used to having others guide them. They usually have no independent opinions and do not know how to save themselves when they are in trouble. Lonely and helpless, they have lacked stress-resistance training since childhood. Once they meet a \”bad guy\” who is good at taking advantage of \”well-behaved\”, it is the beginning of their nightmare in life. Wanting to resist but not being able to resist is the most painful thing. Aunt Zhang came as a guest and talked all morning about her daughter Xiaomeng\’s love affair. Xiaomeng is two years younger than me and just graduated and started working last year. Through a classmate introduction, she met an uncle who was 10 years older than her., the two fell in love. Originally, Xiao Meng did not tell her family that she was looking for a partner. It was not until Aunt Zhang proposed to take Xiao Meng on a blind date that she was \”exposed\”. The reason why Xiaomeng didn\’t tell her was simple, because she knew her mother\’s character. Her boyfriend was 10 years older than her, so her mother might not approve of him in terms of age. In addition, because my boyfriend was born in a rural area, his family cannot help him get married and buy a house. Currently, he cannot buy a house or a car on his own. Such conditions would definitely not be satisfactory in the eyes of my mother. However, Xiaomeng feels that her boyfriend is older than her, so he is more mature and considerate, and her economic conditions will gradually improve, so she doesn\’t care if it is harder for the time being. It sounds like Xiao Meng, although she is new to society, still has her own opinions and thoughts. This can be regarded as a marriage in which two people are happy and have beautiful expectations. But in Aunt Zhang\’s opinion, the conditions of those blind men were far better than Xiao Meng\’s current boyfriend. But Xiaomeng said she was unwilling to see them, let alone break up with her boyfriend. For this reason, the relationship between mother and daughter became very tense, and Xiaomeng did not call back for several weeks. During the conversation, I noticed that Aunt Zhang did not analyze much about the rationality of Xiaomeng’s method and the advantages and disadvantages of Xiaomeng’s boyfriend. The most mentioned words are these: \”She wasn\’t like this before. She listened to everything I said. Why did she become like this after going to college… She is really disobedient. How can I harm her… …If you don’t obey, you will definitely regret it in the future…\” In the final analysis, what Aunt Zhang cares about is not what Xiaomeng thinks or what kind of boyfriend her daughter is looking for, but that Xiaomeng is no longer as obedient and well-behaved as she used to be. Is it good to be too obedient? What happened to those children who were too obedient? A depressed patient on Zhihu described being well-behaved like this: What exactly is being well-behaved? When I was bullied, contradicted, or even pulled by my younger brothers and sisters, I couldn’t resist; when adults unconsciously told me embarrassing things about my childhood, I had to smile; when my parents came home from work because they were too tired , and when I lose my temper, I cannot contradict; when my classmates say bad things about me, I should humbly accept them, after all, that is my shortcoming. All this is just because everyone only likes well-behaved children. So, I try my best to make myself perfect. In this way, my existence will be meaningful, and I will not be hated by everyone. But why does my doctor always say that I am \”too nice\”? Is being a good person a bad thing? Although sometimes I feel wronged, sad, painful and lost. But as long as I don’t show it, won’t I still be a well-behaved child? Because I was the perfect child. But why does such a perfect child cry, shed tears, and feel sad? Why does even breathing become painful? I cried after reading this. This monologue aptly expresses the infinite pain in the heart of a child who has been very well-behaved since childhood. It was obvious that he was helpless, confused and lost. The happiness that being clever brought him was illusory, but the pain was profound. It also makes people think that his depression may have something to do with such a well-behaved character. Stop blindly asking your children to be obedient. Being too well-behaved is really likeIt\’s a poison. It can ruin children’s childhoods and even lay landmines for the future that will explode at an unknown time. Children who are too well-behaved have no self and they don’t know how to resist. The word \”obedient\” is usually used as a compliment and appears at the top of the list of keywords for Chinese family education. The idea that children should be obedient has been deeply ingrained in the minds of many parents. Under the requirement of \”be obedient\”, it is difficult for children to live their own lives. Children who are too well-behaved are used to pleasing others. Well-behaved children know the rules of the game because they have been bound by various rules since they were young. He knows how to win the love and praise of adults and will unconsciously cater to those he wants to please. This kind of flattery will lead to a wrong way of opening up interpersonal relationships. Once some patterns are formed, it is difficult to change them. It is human nature to bully the weak and fear the strong, and to be arrogant based on favor. Children who are too well-behaved will hide their emotions. Everyone has normal emotional reactions, but some people choose to express them, while others choose to hide them. Children who are too well-behaved often keep their negative and suppressed emotions to themselves. Many times, children want to express their thoughts, but when they think that they will be criticized and denied by their parents, they choose to remain silent. Over time, the negative thought of \”it\’s useless even if you say it\” will make them more and more unwilling to realize their true selves. If people cannot face and handle their emotions correctly, the harm will be great. Emotions that appear to have been temporarily suppressed. In fact, it has not subsided. Instead, after a long period of accumulation, when it really breaks out, its destructive power will be extremely terrifying. The meaning behind \”well-behaved\” is actually \”controllable\”. Indeed, compared to naughty children, obedient babies can save parents a lot of worry and gain the envy of other parents. The praise from the teachers is a small parenting achievement for the parents. But only by reducing the desire to control children can they have their true selves. How important is it to have yourself? As the theory of humanistic psychology says: Man is born with one wish, which is to be himself, otherwise he will suffer and lose the meaning of being a human being. No comparison means no harm. How many children have not lived a good childhood because of that hateful \”other people\’s child\”. While pursuing excellent performance, parents should be more concerned about their children\’s own experience. Are they happy or not? Encourage children to express their emotions and thoughts bravely and correctly, paving the way for their future \”reverse business\”. In this way, you will have a way out when you are under pressure. Only by learning to say no can you protect yourself. Blind accommodation and compromise will not bring about the desired results. It is very necessary to guide children to establish the bottom line and principles of life from an early age and cultivate their awareness and ability to refuse reasonably. Only by rejecting excessive demands and malicious oppression can we maintain the balance of our living environment and minimize the harm to ourselves from the outside world. Everyone wants the aura of praise, but behind the aura of being well-behaved, whether children can own themselves, express themselves, and protect themselves is what should attract more attention from parents. Because these three abilities are the key to determining their future, not just being obedient.