What harm will your unintentional comments bring to your children?

Recently, a mother left a message in the background. She read in a book that not only criticism can affect a child\’s self-esteem, but so can praise. This made her lament that she really didn’t know how to take care of her children. I always feel that no matter what I do, I may make a mistake, and even one mistake may affect the child for life. When I saw her message, I couldn\’t help but think of myself. A few years ago, when my children were young, I had the same confusion. Once, the child deliberately knocked over the kettle. The kettle\’s inner pot was shattered on the floor and glass shards were all over the room. Seeing the mess, I couldn\’t help blurting out: \”You are so naughty. I have never seen such a disobedient child like you.\” Unexpectedly, the child ran away crying and said that I didn\’t love him anymore. And he didn\’t want to talk to me for several days. During that time, I had trouble sleeping and eating, especially worried that my child would lose his sense of security and his self-esteem would be affected. As a mother, the most unacceptable thing for me is that I am not a help but a hindrance to my children\’s growth. So, when I saw this question, I especially wanted to write it down, to try to give an answer to her and my previous confusion. Why do we always love to evaluate children? China has been a country of etiquette since ancient times. There are many concepts about etiquette that have been deeply rooted in the \”bone marrow\”. Is what you\’re doing legal? Is it ethical for you to do that? Is your approach correct or not? Therefore, in the process of educating children, we often cannot help but educate them with \”evaluations\”: you are not good, you are greedy, you are smart, you are awesome. We think that this kind of education can help children understand what is What is right or wrong, and then make changes according to these rules, or gain self-esteem and satisfaction through our high evaluation. Let the children change bad habits and let the children continue to maintain good styles. This is the reason why we want to evaluate. However, unfortunately, when we comment on children based on this purpose, no matter how carefully we choose the words, the result is likely to be \”counterproductive\” for you. Why can’t reviews bring about the expected results? Perhaps, some people may be curious, why can’t reviews bring about the results we expected? Because, in a way, comments are a limitation. Children will evaluate their own value from the evaluation. At the same time, it will convey to children the message: If you can\’t do something, you are not worthy of being criticized. like. When we criticize a child for being too naughty or mischievous, what the child feels is: I am not obedient enough, so I am not worthy of being loved by my parents. When we praise our children for being smart, they often get confused. If I don\’t show up so smart next time, will my parents still love my mother as usual? Adults\’ evaluations will directly portray a picture in the child\’s heart and affect the child\’s personality structure. These two different evaluations will make children feel insecure and retreat into their own little world, always focusing only on their own feelings. It’s hard for them to even take care of themselves. Can they still care about other people’s thoughts and feelings? My junior high school classmate Xiao Min was still a top student at that time, with excellent grades in all subjects and good looks. She is everyA boy\’s crush, and a good student that teachers in all subjects can\’t help but praise. However, when she grew up, she told me that she was not happy when she was a child. She lives in the evaluation of \”smart\” and is too afraid of others saying she is not smart enough. After Xiao Min entered high school, she found that studying was much more difficult, so she began to skip classes, and her grades quickly became the lowest in the class. She would rather hear the teacher\’s regret: \”You are very smart, but you don\’t want to study hard.\” She is not willing to spend any more time on her studies. During her high school years, she had become estranged from her former classmates and had not made any new friends. Because she found that there were too many things that children of the same age could play with, but she basically couldn\’t get involved and was unwilling to learn. Because when she thought that others might look at her in astonishment and say to her with disdain, \”You don\’t even know how to do this,\” she lost the courage to try. Xiao Min now regrets it. She feels that her teenage years were full of shortcomings. In her words, she is a lonely castle owner. She always feels that a huge disaster may happen in the castle at any time and feels uneasy. Therefore, she has to stay in the castle with all her strength, even if she is about to die. I can’t go out and see the outside world if I can’t hold on any longer. I think her parents and former teachers all wanted her to grow up healthily, but they never thought that a smart comment would have such a long-term impact on the child. How should we communicate with our children? Parents often ask me: Mom H, how can I help my child grow up healthily? I often jokingly say: Your question is a good one, but it will probably take several books to answer. Family education is indeed a very grand object. However, this is not an unsolvable problem. On the contrary, it is extremely simple, because the answer is only one word: love. It’s just that too many parents don’t know how to love and how to love. It\’s like, when we comment on our children, we always tell ourselves that we do this because we love our children. There are probably many parents who have similar questions: Mom H, since you said you don’t let us judge our children casually, then tell us what should we do if our children are disobedient or misbehaving? Doesn’t the child need to be praised when he’s done well? In fact, the answer is still very simple: be yourself and communicate with your children simply and clearly. The best way is to squat down, like the parents in American TV series, squat down, and then communicate with a 2 or 3-year-old child in an adult tone. You are no longer an instructor, but yourself. The moment you squat down and look directly at him, you first convey a very important attitude to your child: I respect you. Then all subsequent communication will occur on the basis of respect, so whether it is approval or denial, the child will not experience too much frustration, because he will clearly capture the signal of love: My parents just think my behavior is not right, but they still respect me and love me. Mom and Dad like me from the bottom of their hearts, not because I’m smartHe likes me because he knows that I have talent and can do things that others cannot. When hoping that their children will change their behavior, parents need to learn to use the correct communication language. They should not vent their emotions or label their children. Instead, they should tell their children how they feel and the confusion this behavior has caused them. , and then said that he hoped he could correct his behavior. When praising, communicate more details with your children and encourage them to tell you about their thinking and implementation steps in completing these things, instead of praising children for uncontrollable factors such as intelligence and natural intelligence. Believe me, children are smart and sensitive, and they will be able to feel your attitude towards them easily. If you want your children to grow up healthily, you must first be full of positive energy. You must become a parent who is independent, strong, and understands the meaning of love. So, when communicating with our children in the future, can we calm down and put the comments away first?