What hurts children the most is not \”yelling\”, but…

A few days ago, I saw an infuriating video on the Internet: at the elevator door of a certain community, the mother handed the child to the nanny and left. After the nanny took the child to the elevator alone, the child who had just left his mother began to cry. At this time, instead of comforting the child, the nanny raised her arms and beat the child on the abdomen, head, and back, and shook the child vigorously. This sadistic video stung my nerves and reminded me of an unpleasant incident that happened to a high school classmate a few years ago. After my classmate’s maternity leave expired, the elderly family member was in poor health and could not help take care of the child, so she hired a nanny. One day two months later, she accidentally discovered a bulge on the child\’s buttocks and a small hole that looked like a needle hole, so she quietly took the child to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor\’s answer confirmed her suspicion that there was indeed a needle hole in the child\’s butt. The couple asked the nanny in a roundabout way, but the nanny was hesitant and vague and said \”I don\’t know.\” They had no choice but to install invisible cameras at home while the nanny was on weekends. Through monitoring, she discovered an unusual phenomenon. The child slept basically all day long, while the nanny was in the living room, either watching TV or looking in the mirror to comb her hair and dress herself up. After observing this for two weeks, nothing was found. So they took advantage of the weekend to watch the video carefully again, and discovered a detail: the child, who was quite energetic a moment ago, fell asleep 5 minutes after entering the nanny\’s bedroom. So they moved the camera to the nanny\’s bedroom. This time, they saw a scene that made them extremely distressed: the nanny put the child on the swivel chair and turned it quickly. The whole process lasted for five or six minutes, until the child, who was crying in panic, was rocked to sleep… Before that, I originally I thought child abuse was far away from me, but it wasn’t until I accidentally read relevant news reports online and recognized the person involved as one of my classmates that I realized that the harm was all around me. After this incident, the classmate quit his job and went home to take care of his children. She said that period was particularly difficult, as the frightened children often woke up in the middle of the night and became extremely timid. Fortunately, under her careful care, the child slowly came out of that trauma. Every time we have a class reunion, she advises us: \”No matter how hard it is, we should try our best to take care of our children by ourselves. Whether it is an elderly person or a nanny, it is not as good as having our own mother by our side.\” Incidents of child abuse continue to occur one after another. It really killed my parents. As a working mother, the anxiety during this period is unprecedented. On one side is the helpless look in the eyes of the children, and on the other side is the pressure of car and house loans and various home consumption. The dilemma of choosing between children and work makes people feel mentally and physically exhausted. The period before the age of 3 is when a child establishes a sense of security. A child who has been devastated by such behavioral and verbal violence will have a fragile foundation of safety. Just like the child who was abused in the elevator, the physical injuries may heal quickly. , but the psychological trauma is difficult to repair. After watching that video, a friend said, if conditions permit, who wouldn’t want to take care of their children by themselves? The friend who said this just took his child from his hometown to attend kindergarten this year. But she discovered that the child had nothing to do with herself.Dear, there is always some distant feeling between them. When I first picked him up, the child would rather sleep alone than let her get close to him. Moreover, every time the child talks and laughs with his grandma in his hometown, he becomes taciturn and ignores her after hanging up. She told me more than once, \”The feeling of being rejected by the children and not being needed by the children is really terrible.\” Although she has great success in the workplace and manages dozens of people, she feels a strong sense of frustration when she returns home. feel. The child\’s hostile eyes seemed to be mocking her, \”You are a failed mother.\” The writer Xiao Wu once said, \”Whoever a child sleeps with is his child.\” This is absolutely true. Children are the simplest and most Directly, he will kiss whoever spends more time with him. In fact, I can understand the behavior of my friend\’s children. I remember when my younger brother was born when I was about 2 years old, I was fostered at my grandma’s house. I heard from my grandma that I had never been back to my home before my brother was 1 year old. Later, my parents occasionally took me home to stay for a few days, but they would send me back soon. So much so that even now I feel like I\’m staying in a hotel when I go home. Although my parents are very kind to me, I feel like there\’s always a wall in my heart. If the sense of closeness between children and parents is not cultivated when the children are young, no matter how much effort you put in later, the sense of alienation between parents and children will be difficult to eliminate. I read a sentence on the Internet that left a very deep impression on me, \”If you are lazy with your children, it will become your deepest regret in the future.\” Yes, if you leave your children to others when they are young, you will have to pay double the amount of money in the future. Spending time and energy to make up for this shortcoming may not be effective. So, if you don’t take care of your children by yourself, what will be the consequences in the future? Faced with the pressure of busy work and life, how should we balance work and family and ensure that we have both work and children? Self-psychology research has found that a baby under 1 year old is already a complete person, not a small animal that knows nothing but eats, drinks, and poops. Within 1 year of age, whenever a child sees a familiar face and is hugged and caressed by a familiar caregiver, the restless baby will immediately calm down. If this attachment and sense of security are often met, the baby will feel happy and relaxed, otherwise it will become more irritable. Before the age of 3, it is a period of children\’s sense of security and personality formation, and it is also a critical period for the development of some habits. If children do not receive company from their parents for a long time during this period, their attachment will not be satisfied, and they will easily feel dissatisfied, resulting in personality disorders such as irritability, sensitivity, and neuroticism. Moreover, you will also miss the opportunity to be close to your children, and it is easy to cultivate rebellious children. Psychologist Winnicott said, \”The emotional development in the first few years of a child\’s life forms the basis of individual human mental health.\” Therefore, some experts suggest that for children under 3 years old, it is best for the mother to take care of them herself. If conditions do not allow it, you must at least be able to take care of the child by yourself within the first year after the child is born, no matter how hard it is. Children come into this world through us and have a strong natural need for parental companionship. No one will understand his needs better than his parents, even ifThey are experienced grandparents. Therefore, as parents, we must not let parent-child education be absent. Parents must take the responsibility of raising their children themselves. Children come to us, not their grandparents. The joy and satisfaction you get from raising children with your own hands is unmatched by any job. For a mother, the first communication channel between her child and the world is herself. The child\’s sense of security comes more from the mother\’s hugs, kisses and encouragement. The former Soviet educator Suhomlinsky once said: \”Mother\’s love should not be based on abstract rational knowledge, but on emotion.\” For parents, no matter how much money they earn, buying things for their children No matter how good the school district is, nothing is more meaningful than being with your children. Ma Yili, a good mother in the entertainment industry, said in an interview on the show that when her children grow up, she and her family take care of them together, because raising children cannot be left to others. If you are lazy with your child today, it will be a slap in the face in the future. \”Love is for being together.\” I read an article before, and one sentence in it was particularly impressive: \”Working mothers themselves have a dual identity. We have to take care of the workplace and our children. However, our time and Energy is limited.” In fact, working mothers don’t have to feel guilty. As for children, they don’t want much, and low-quality companionship is not as good as high-quality companionship. Sleeping with your child at night, reading with your child, playing games… These seemingly normal behaviors we do, in the eyes of your child, are all expressions of your love for him. Companion does not necessarily have to be around the clock, but you must have children in your heart. These companionships are actually very easy to achieve. You only need to spend an hour or two every day to devote yourself to interacting with your children without mobile phones, wifi, or external interference. When it comes to raising children, the elderly and nannies are always just supporting roles, and parents are the protagonists on the road to raising children. You must not expect to throw the child out and act as the hands-off shopkeeper. Raising a child is indeed a painful and joyful thing, but responsible parents all know: no matter how hard it is for the children they have given birth to, they have to take care of them themselves!