What is cultivating children\’s adverse quotient? Does it start with accepting the imperfect self?

Some time ago, a mother left a message and said, \”I found that my children, whether in games or playing around, do not allow themselves to fail. They feel that if they lose, they have lost the world. They will be very disappointed and unhappy, and sometimes they will get angry about it. He has a little temper. He feels that it is wrong if he loses. I don’t know how to make him understand failure correctly and that failure is not terrible. But I am afraid that he will lose his competitive spirit and it is difficult to control the degree.\” Some mothers said that no matter whether the child is in the next position Chess is still a game. If you lose, you will cry endlessly. In fact, this is related to the child\’s reverse quotient. I remember when Xiao Xiaoyu was more than three years old. I often take him and my cousin to play games in the park. Sometimes we play competitive games, such as Mouse Stealing Oil or Old Wolf. Because he is still young, but he plays very hard. After he lost a few times, he stopped playing. A person is unhappy. We all came to persuade him to join. My brother said anxiously, \”It\’s okay if you lose. Why are you angry?\” I encouraged him from the side: \”Come on, when you are as big as my brother, you can run very fast.\” Yes, don\’t be discouraged, come and play.\” But he still wouldn\’t join, preferring to sit alone. I think we still need to put more thought and guidance in this regard! Looking back now, two years have passed. Whether it\’s playing competitive games or chess. He no longer cares too much about winning or losing, but just hopes that you can play with him for a while longer. This is a very remarkable turn – allowing children to accept losing (failure) calmly. Parents are the best coaches in cultivating reverse intelligence. I would like to share three suggestions with you. Why do many children have poor ability to resist setbacks? This is inseparable from the fact that children have been praised like stars and moons since childhood. You will often see a family gathered around their children saying how great you are! However, growth actually requires a lot of nutrients, such as praise and appropriate setbacks. However, many parents only see the smiling faces in exchange for praise, and often ignore the perseverance that needs to be cultivated in times of setbacks. So the first suggestion is to give your children more encouragement than praise. I have a friend whose academic performance has been excellent from childhood to adulthood. I have almost never encountered any obstacles. I have always been ranked first in the exams and I don’t know what it feels like to fail. I have been growing up with the praise of my family and teachers. Later he was admitted to Renmin University, which was a very good result for us. But as soon as he entered, he realized that he was too ordinary. So after only one month of studying, he thought about dropping out because he found that he couldn\’t accept the gap. Fortunately, there was a change later. He said that the person he was most grateful to was his head teacher. That summer vacation, the head teacher introduced a project to him and asked him to participate. He himself also has the attitude of treating a dead horse as a living horse. But from that time on, he reset himself to zero, accepted failure, and accepted his ordinary self. With this mentality, he persisted the longest in subsequent projects. He said: \”Once a person discovers that he is an ordinary member, he will have the energy to keep learning, and will no longer live in the praise of others and lose himself.\” Excessive praise from parents can easily cause children to form Psychological orientation, they will feel that they are smart, and they do not need to work hard to be smart. Parents should cultivate their children’s growthtype thinking. Professor Carlo Duweck of Stanford University pointed out in the study that by cultivating children\’s growth mindset, an attitude that allows other possibilities to exist, promotes progress and problem solving, children improve their abilities and can learn more every day. Effective problem solving in challenging situations. When children have this kind of thinking, they will not be afraid of setbacks. Because they are self-motivated and work hard to find solutions. It won\’t be the kind of situation where it collapses at the first sight of a blow. For example, some children think they are smart, get high scores all the time, and have high expectations from their teachers and parents. Once he fails the test, different thinking often leads to different results. I remember a classmate who failed in the college entrance examination when he tried again, so he chose to give up on himself and did not even go to a regular university. Later, he not only gave up reading, but also almost gave up studying. You know, there is only one exam, which means it is only temporary, but learning is lifelong! Children with a growth mindset are less likely to give up, are more able to enjoy the process, are more likely to seek help, and are more resilient, which means they are more perseverant. Let your children know their shortcomings and understand that this is nothing to be ashamed of. And you will become stronger through diligence and hard work, because you are growing up! In this way, children will accept their \”imperfect\” self. Of course, parents need to accept their children\’s mistakes and encourage them to try. For example, when a child is frustrated, you can give him a hug or an encouraging look. You can also pat him on the shoulder to encourage him. Tell your child that I understand how you feel and I will stand by your side to support you no matter what the outcome is. There are also too many parents who, when they see their children being frustrated, will immediately comfort them by saying, \”Mom and Dad think you are the best in the world.\” This kind of comfort has a wonderful effect, but it is not a good thing for the children. Why can\’t you explain it directly to your child? For example, a long time ago, Xiao Xiaoyu and his cousin who was in elementary school were stacking blocks at home. My cousin built a castle in no time. But as for him, he didn\’t finish it after working on it for a long time. At this time, he was a little angry and wanted to go to his cousin to get the materials. In fact, I wanted to tear my brother apart. As a result, the two people started fighting. Grandma found out and comforted Xiao Xiaoyu: \”Grandma thinks you are the best, don\’t cry! Look at the castle you built, it is better than my brother\’s.\” \”No,\” he cried. Grandma\’s comfort was well-intentioned, but it didn\’t bring him the answer he really wanted. I went over to sit next to them and asked my brother first. \”How old are you this year?\” My brother was a little strange, but he still answered me. I asked Xiao Xiaoyu again, but of course he was still angry and didn\’t speak. I said to him: \”Look, my brother is already 8 years old, and you are less than four years old. My brother is twice your age!\” Then he started to listen. \”That is to say, my brother has been playing with blocks for 4 more years than you, and he must have practiced more. I think he is about the same age as you!\” He became much calmer at this time. \”Dad knows that you are definitely not as good as your brother in playing with building blocks now, but I believe that after continuous practice and growing up, you will be able to catch up with your brother. Then you can compete together, okay?\” \”Okay!\” \”Then Let’s continue practicing today, so don’t be angry! What should we do together?” NextIt\’s time to have fun and play. We thought telling the truth would hurt our children. actually not. Because children don’t feel shamed or denied. Because their age and experience are all facts. Moreover, the setbacks he encountered were only due to these objective reasons and were related to insufficient practice. Fortunately, these are all in my own hands. It can give children the confidence to make changes. Parents should try to accept their children\’s sweat and hardships and build their children\’s \”mental toughness.\” There are many parents who are reluctant to let their children endure hardship. So I have wanted to remove all obstacles for my children since I was a child. For example, Xiao Xiaoyu has a football class every week. One time because of strong winds, several mothers asked the coach whether they could let their children practice indoors because the wind was too strong. As a result, the coach followed the suggestion and actually took the children to the multi-purpose hall to practice. I was very puzzled at that time. Originally, I signed up for this class just to let Xiao Xiaoyu undergo some training. In the end, he was protected by these kind-hearted mothers. Is this good or bad? Pixar has a very wonderful animated film \”Snipe\”, which won the 89th Oscar for Best Animated Short Film. Here, little Piper\’s mother dares to let go even in the face of wind and waves, is willing to trust her child, and stays with her silently. Little Piper can experience the wind and waves, welcome and enjoy the beautiful ocean world. The wisdom here is worth learning and learning from, and thinking about how to cultivate children\’s ability to resist frustration. At home, I also share with you a few words that I often say to my son. \”It doesn\’t matter if you make mistakes, it only matters if you don\’t do it!\” \”It doesn\’t matter. Can you think of another way to do it?\” \”If it doesn\’t work once, try it again. I believe you will always get it done!\” Cultivate children\’s reverse quotient , begins with parent acceptance and child self-acceptance. Because it means I respect you and love you.