What is more terrifying than beating and scolding children is the cold violence of parents

We often love our children in the way we think is right, so sometimes even if we use the wrong method, we may not be able to detect it, especially the ways we treat children that we think are correct or are accustomed to, such as cold violence, can be seen everywhere. French psychoanalyst Marie-France Yrigoyan said in the book \”Cold Violence\” that cold violence is actually a kind of mental abuse, and inconspicuous mental abuse can be seen everywhere in daily life. Two days ago, a French public welfare film \”Destroy a Child with One Word\” went viral on WeChat Moments, touching the pain points deep in the hearts of countless people in just one minute. There is not much dialogue in the film, only the adults keep repeating what their mother said to themselves when they were children: \”Why are you wearing this T-shirt? You think your arms are not thick enough.\” \”What evil have I done? I have a son like you.\” \”You are absolutely useless.\” \”Fortunately, you have a pretty face, kid, you can be of some use.\” \”If I had known this, why would I have had a child in the first place.\” These words are like brainwashing. , plays on a loop in the child\’s mind, and cannot be forgotten even when he or she is an adult. The most impressive thing in the short film is actually at the end, when an old man who is nearly 60 years old appears on the stage. He holds his hands in fists, his eyes are panicked, and he is unconvinced. His inner struggle seems to be back to his childhood. His parents said \”You are the best.\” \”I\’m not as good as your brother from beginning to end\”, which made him live in a haze for most of his life. The book \”Cold Violence\” says: Not only beating and scolding can be considered violence, humiliating language and hints will form negative constraints or brainwashing. Children treated in this way will not complain about being treated inappropriately, but will desperately try to gain their parents\’ approval, but never get it. In Chinese-style families, a kind of cold violence called cynicism is performed every day, but parents turn a blind eye to it. I have a friend whose parents have been very strict since he was a child. If he did slightly poorly in the exam, his parents wouldn\’t talk to him for several days. If you catch him out playing, you won\’t say anything, but you will look at him with contempt. When relatives asked about their grades, my father would always say: \”Ask him if he has the nerve to tell.\” In reality, although parents never take action, countless children are silently strangled. \”When people with fragile self-awareness and lack of self-confidence or children hear such derogatory remarks, they will easily internalize them and think that they are the truth.\” This is why, as adults, we are no longer dependent on our parents, but we are still tortured. Sometimes, a word can hurt a lifetime. We often love our children in the way we think is right, so sometimes even if we use the wrong method, we may not be able to detect it, especially the ways we treat children that we think are correct or are accustomed to, such as cold violence, can be seen everywhere. The following are several situations of cold violence that parents are particularly likely to ignore in the parent-child relationship. Have you been shot? 1. Control your children instead of choosing to respect them – \”If you don\’t obey again, I won\’t let you down.\” Psychologist Wu Zhihong said that being obedient is a scam that is passed down from generation to generation. Control is a form of abuse that hides under the \”guise of education.\” Swiss psychologist Alice Miller denounces harm caused by traditional education-The purpose is to break the will of children in order to mold them into docile, obedient people. Children face \”the overwhelming power and authority of adults, have no room to speak, and are even deprived of consciousness.\” They are powerless to resist. Many of us have been taught to be \”obedient\” since childhood. Just like in \”Mom is Superman 3\”, Andy, the \”overbearing president\” who initially disliked \”Black Hole Mom\” ​​Huang Shengyi and was indifferent to her mother\’s advances, would also express his concerns in front of his mother: \” Only if I am obedient and sensible can my mother love me.\” In \”Cold Violence\”, \”obedience\” is a means of controlling children, and children will also make excuses for their parents, accept their arrangements, and will The problem is transferred to oneself and considered to be one\’s own problem. Once, when we visited a relative\’s house, she entertained us warmly and went to the kitchen to cook a table of delicious food. Her children pestered her, sometimes asking her to tell stories and sometimes asking her how to put together toys. It was as if the sound was filtered. No matter how much the child cried, she would only be busy and talk to us. Later, she answered our questions: The child didn\’t eat breakfast in the morning and even threw an egg on the ground. He was so disobedient. She was very angry and didn\’t want to deal with him today. Parents are still angry and punish their children by refusing to communicate. When a child does not realize that they have done something wrong, it can create feelings of insecurity and distrust. If you understand that you are wrong and blindly obey your parents, you will also hide pain in your heart. On YouTube\’s \”School of Life\” channel, the film \”The Danger of Being a Good Kid\” tells the story of children who are too obedient and prone to excessive depression in the long run. 2. Denying the child’s personality and sending out bad hints – “Look at other people’s children.” Parents and children often have such conversations, which deeply shocks the children: “Look at how smart other people’s children are, how hard it is for you to learn. What?\” \”Look at how hard other children work, why don\’t you want to go to tutoring on weekends?\” \”Look at how clean other children are, why don\’t you clean or tidy up?\”… In June 2018, a TV show called \”Youth Talk\” \”In the variety show, teenagers and girls \”shouted to their parents\” on the rooftop, shouting out the unhappiness that had been building up in their hearts for a long time. Among them, there was a little girl who was deeply persecuted by \”other people\’s children\”. She had a best friend who was a top student and was compared to her by her mother all day long. The mother spoke plausibly in the audience: \”Because I think in your character, if you don\’t attack, you are a bit arrogant.\” The little girl was so wronged that she almost cried: \”I am in pain!\” Until the end, the mother still insisted that her approach was Yes, the little girl ran off the stage wiping tears. In the book \”Cold Violence\”, the author believes that the rational reason for parents to do this is that it is all for the good of their children, and the purpose is to discipline the children, but in fact it destroys the inner nature of the children. The child feels pain but has nowhere to vent, because this is just a common attitude or speech in daily life. People would say that it is the children who have trouble with themselves. All of these unsettling or seemingly random, bad suggestions gradually undermine the child\’s personality until the child himself believes it and makes the statement come true. 3. Deny the childPersonality, sending out bad hints – \”Why are you so bad?\” The neighbor\’s child is in the first grade of elementary school. Recently, he has acquired bad habits. He likes to take home his classmates\’ beautiful pens and rulers. Before his mother went upstairs, she found three new and unfamiliar rulers in his schoolbag, and scolded him: \”You steal things at such a young age and don\’t learn well. Do you want to be a thief in the future?\” The child is too bad and has a problem with his character.\” The child\’s cries echoed throughout the neighborhood, and the uncle passing by asked, \”Why did you take other people\’s things?\” His voice was choked and he said a few words: \”friend\”, \”play\” and \”will return\”. Children should be stopped in time when they take other people\’s things, otherwise they will cause endless harm. However, it is possible that in the child\’s world, he has no concept of \”stealing\”, and blindly labeling his character as \”bad\” will only make him feel guilty, confused, and not know where he went wrong. Psychologists have long told us that if you always yell at your children, \”You are so bad\” and \”You have bad conduct,\” over time, the children may actually become what we call \”bad people.\” Positive guidance is more conducive to children\’s growth than blind criticism. Children who are abused may become problem children. Their parents will be disappointed, have headaches, and complain, and the reason for this is simply that their children do not meet their expectations. Many parents feel that if I don’t beat or scold my children, how can they say I am abusive? But in fact, reprimanding your children angrily, sarcasm, and joking intentionally or unintentionally may seem like a casual sentence, but it may have an unexpected impact on your child. If this continues for a long time, the child will become timid, inferior, and sensitive. Some children will gradually become taciturn, and some children will have a long distance from their parents in their hearts. More often, they will lose their self-confidence, hesitate to do anything, and be timid and easy to do. Frustration leads to a life of inaction. In the end, if you look for the reason for your misfortune, you will be like the actor in the opening video, accusing your parents of planting a negative and tragic seed at the beginning of your life. Parents will not actually kill their child, they will just continue to degrade his character until the child becomes worthless. The parents appear good to the outside world, but the children lose their sense of self. Japanese writer Kotaro Isaka once said: \”It\’s terrible to think that you don\’t have to pass an exam to be a parent.\” The greatest self-discipline for a parent is to keep one\’s mouth shut. Some parents will also say that they do this all for the benefit of their children. However, there are so many parents who love their children in the world, why are there so many children with devastated hearts? In this regard, \”Cold Violence\” gives suggestions: Maybe our punishments are all out of good intentions, but sometimes good intentions can also bring harm. As a parent, when your children make mistakes, ignoring or ridiculing them will never make your children aware of their problems. Sometimes, children don’t even know that they have done something wrong, and what parents need to do most is to tell them what they should do. Don\’t compare your children with others, and don\’t make personal attacks. Talk about the situation and use positive language to encourage your children to make the right choices. Sometimes, when children are naughty, they are actuallySeeking attention. At this time, parents also need to reflect on whether they have neglected their children too much. They should respond in a timely manner no matter how busy they are. Stop and tell their children that we are a little busy now and will help them solve the problem later. The more love a child has in his heart, the less likely he is to act up. There is no wrong love in the world, but many people love in the wrong way. As parents, we must be more careful not to let love become harm. Give children warmth and protect them from cold violence.