What is the best love for children? Hope your son will become a talented person?

The author of \”Dear Andre\”, Long Yingtai, is a famous writer. Of course, she has many shining identities: PhD in English, Taipei\’s cultural director, visiting professor of the University of Hong Kong, selected by \”Southern People Weekly\” One of China’s “Fifty Most Influential Public Intellectuals”. But facing Andre, who was born in Taiwan in 1985 and moved to Germany when he was eight months old, Long Yingtai was just a mother, a mother who wanted to get into her son\’s life but couldn\’t find a way. When Long Yingtai left Europe, Andre was 14 years old. When she left her government job and had the energy to take care of her family, Andre was already an 18-year-old young man, 184 centimeters tall, with a driver\’s license and could go in and out. The bar is for college students. Andre was no longer the little boy she let her kiss and hug, he became a person she didn\’t recognize. As a mother, Long Yingtai doesn\’t know what he likes and what he hates? What do you care about? Like all mothers and children who have nothing to say, their daily conversations go like this: \”How are you?\” \”Okay.\” \”How\’s school?\” \”No problem.\” And their situation is worse than that of ordinary mothers and children, they Not only are they two generations separated by 30 years, but they are also two people separated by Eastern and Western cultures. Moreover, Long Yingtai\’s marriage to Andre\’s father broke down. But Long Yingtai refused to accept her fate. She wanted to get to know her grown-up child again and proposed to write a column with him through correspondence. Andre agreed. The mother and son then spent three years corresponding with each other and compiled the book \”Dear Andre\”. One stone stirred up thousands of waves. Millions of readers found it incredible and lamented that their communication was \”astonishingly equal.\” Countless readers also took this book to show their parents and their children, and because of this The key and bridge of communication between the two generations were found. For the two authors, they gained more. The mother met her eighteen-year-old son, and the son also met his mother for the first time. Today, we will introduce to you this rare book written by parents and children. Understanding each other\’s growth is the cornerstone of communication. 18-year-old Andre lives in a small town with the highest per capita income in Germany. He is a middle school student. He often participates in football matches and goes to bars to drink at night. He is already taking the driver\’s license test and plans to go to Italy in the fall. travel. But he doesn\’t know what he will do in the future? He asked his mother: \”Mom, what did you know when you were eighteen?\” Long Yingtai answered his son\’s question with candid memories. Eighteen-year-old Long Yingtai lived in a barren fishing village in Taiwan in 1970. There was no TV at home, so she didn\’t know about highways, sewers, environmental protection, or political freedom… She was a gnawing girl wearing white clothes and black skirts. Girls with books go back and forth between school and home, with endless homework in their schoolbags. The world she knows is like this: when a tsunami hits, the fishing village stinks because there is no drainage system; people burn abandoned cables on the coastline, and the toxic gas produced will cause many brainless babies to be born in the village; grandma will Because of poverty, she sold her daughter to a \”vegetable shop\”… These days of struggling in poverty made Long Yingtai lack the sensitivity and appreciation for material things, but it deepened her appreciation forUnderstanding and sympathy for the weak. There are two generations like this around us – parents lament that their children are ignorant and do not understand their parents; while children also resent their parents\’ old-fashioned ways of doing things, old-fashioned clothes and stubborn ideas. In fact, this is all related to their growth experience. Only when parents and children understand each other\’s growth experience can they understand each other\’s way of doing things. This may be the fundamental reason why Long Yingtai wrote about his life at the age of 18 in his first letter home. Not using his own experience to kidnap children. 19-year-old Andre is heartbroken. The girl he had a crush on didn\’t know his feelings and thought they were just good friends. When he met a boy who made his heart beat, the girl fell in love. In the 10th letter, the troubled Andre was worried that his mother thought he was complaining for nothing, and asked: Should I take care of her emotions and pretend that nothing has happened and continue our \”friendship\”, or should I just \”heal\” myself and talk to her? Broken? Long Yingtai paid enough attention to the issue of her son\’s love that she had been waiting for 19 years. She said: \”I have been in a caring mood all day… Anyone, at any stage of life, Frustration in love is a very \’hurtful\’ thing.\” However, as someone who has experienced it, Long Yingtai did not give specific guidance. She just shared her \”experience report\” on love: \”Life is like a river, maybe the scenery is beautiful. , more likely to be rough seas. The partner you need is preferably the one who can stand side by side with you on the bow of the boat, sing softly about the scenery on both sides of the Taiwan Strait, and at the same time, be able to hold your hand tightly in the rough seas. In other words In other words, it is best that she is not the stormy sea you have to deal with.\” However, just when the reader thought that the wise mother was implying that the girl was not Andre\’s best partner, Long Yingtai changed the topic: \”But, I can\’t I don’t realize that any words I say must be nonsense. Because the obsession with beauty can defeat the self-righteous report of any wise man. I can only watch you fall, and I can only hope that you will get up where you fell. Hope The sun shines over, illuminating your hidden sad heart and illuminating the invisible road in front of you.\” In daily life, we often see parents like this who use decades of life experience to protect their children and wish they could leave their children in front of them. All obstacles have been cleared, so when a child faces a love relationship, the first person to hide it from is his parents. There are dangers for children to hide their love, so we often see situations like this. A daughter is pregnant, but her parents don’t know anything about it; a son is visited by the woman’s parents, and the parents think that their son’s feelings are completely blank… There is a scarcity in this world. Children like Andre who take the initiative to talk about their love experiences with their parents are even rarer than Long Yingtai\’s mothers who have the courage to stand by and understand and respect their children\’s heartache due to broken love. They are willing to give their own \”love experience report\”, but do not take advantage of themselves. experience to \”kidnap\” the child\’s emotions. I have protected you ten thousand times, why not let you go and train? Not only for love, but for \”trouble\”, Long Yingtai also dared to let go. Before Andre graduated from high school, he offended an English teacher. He thought the teacher had a problem with his ability. During English class, Andre would sleep in class, refuse to hand in homework, and when discussing literary works, he wouldAsk questions that will make the teacher’s jaw drop. The teacher complained to Andre\’s tutor, guessing that his lack of energy in class and failure to do his homework were due to \”drug abuse.\” The tutor therefore talked to Andre, and even the students thought this was true. After receiving the letter, Long Yingtai immediately asked Andre if she needed to call the English teacher. After receiving a negative answer, she gave her own thoughts. \”Andre, you are not the only teenager who has to think about how to deal with extremely complex interpersonal relationships. Interpersonal relationships are often a power relationship. The problem your English teacher caused you is just a small training . Before you decide to rebel, have you thought about what kind of opponent he is? What kind of gains or disasters will a \’rebellion\’ bring you? What do you want to achieve? What is your logic?\” Around us There are many parents who are ready to go 24 hours a day in order to protect their children. They fight all their lives under the banner of \”being good for their children\”. Because their children were pushed, two families can fight. In order to buy a house in a school district for their children, they can sell their cars and their family property. . But they forget that children are also thoughtful individuals. Even if it is good for him, please ask for his consent before doing anything. It is better to teach people to fish than to teach them how to fish. It is better to protect him ten thousand times than to let him train once. Child, I can accept that it is no longer the most important part of you. The German way of education allowed Andre to have a group of close friends from elementary school to high school. They formed a deep friendship in each other\’s company. Therefore, when Andre graduated from high school, he thought about leaving the small town where he had lived for many years, and said frankly: \”Mom, don\’t be angry, think about what my \”home\” is. The most important thing is not my parents, but my friends.\” \”In fact, as early as the fifth letter, Long Yingtai had already given his own opinion on the friendship between teenagers: \”Life is actually like a road from a broad plain into a forest. Friends can walk together on the plain. People jostle and support each other happily; once they enter the forest and grass and thorns block the road, the situation changes. Everyone concentrates on walking their own way and looking for their own direction. The group emotion of pushing and jostling and singing together. , that carefree and jealous peer affection can only be found in adolescence in a person\’s life. Without this pure and bright stage, the road may actually become more lonely.\” But for Andre, friendship is greater than family affection in Andre\’s heart. However, Long Yingtai gave an open-minded reply in the 17th letter: \”You don\’t need to apologize. I understand that I am not the most important part of you. That stage has long passed.\” Born as a parent, as a child It is really difficult to accept that someone who was so deeply attached to someone in childhood has to settle for being second, or even third or fourth tier in their children\’s hearts when they become adults. That’s why we often encounter mothers-in-law who are jealous of their daughter-in-law, mothers-in-law who interfere in their daughter’s family affairs, and mothers who raise their children to be giant babies. And these should actually be accepted and digested by parents as early as when children reach adulthood. It is said that parental love is an elegant exit. In fact, it turned into a sentence, just the sentence of Long Yingtai: \”Child, I understand that I am not the most important part of you. At that stage,It\’s long gone. \”Efforts are not to avoid mediocrity, but to be happy. In this society with fierce competition and extremely high unemployment rate, if your children avoid the question of \”what they want to do in the future\”, if they give up their bright future, choose a job you see If you don\’t have a career, will you go crazy as a parent? Long Yingtai once mentioned a little thing that impressed her. One night, mother and son were talking on the balcony. Andre said: \”Mom, you have to clearly accept a The fact is, you have an extremely mediocre son. \”It is a common psychology of Chinese parents to hope that their sons will succeed and their daughters will succeed. Even Long Yingtai is not exempt from this trend. She has always asked her son who is studying in college to study hard, but in the 28th letter, she stated a deeper reason:\” The most important thing to me is not whether you have achieved something, but whether you are happy. What kind of job is more likely to make you happy? First, it gives you meaning; second, it gives you time. Your work is meaningful to you. If your work does not kidnap you and make you a prisoner of your work, but allows you to fully experience life, you will be happy. I ask you to study and study hard, not because I want you to compare your achievements with others, but because I hope you will have the right to choose in the future and choose a job that is meaningful and time-consuming, rather than being forced to make a living. \”As a mother, Long Yingtai hopes that her son will have the right to choose in life, and at the same time respect his own choices. If his son can go to Wall Street to be a bank manager, he can also go to the zoo to be a caretaker. If his son prefers to do animal research, the mother Then you won’t feel that being a bank manager is more fulfilling, but being an animal caretaker is more “mediocre.” As a manager, struggling with the ups and downs of money is probably not as fun as bathing an elephant or brushing a hippo’s teeth every day. Mediocrity is comparing with others, but happiness is one\’s most precious feeling. Fortunately, more and more parents in modern society understand this. When a child is not sensible, parents ask him to study hard in order to succeed in life. After he becomes sensible, he will not be passive and have the right to choose. When the child makes a choice when he grows up, as a parent, he should not override his own values ​​​​for the child, but give him enough freedom and respect to outline a happy life. This book The book is actually an attempt to communicate by a mother and son who have nothing to say. The mother got to know her grown-up son through the letters, and the son also got to know his mother for the first time when all the letters came to an end. . However, as a well-known book on parent-child communication, we still see a naked emotion of \”separation\” in the book. That is, as a close mother and child, the way they get along will change dramatically when their son grows up. Take Andre Take smoking as an example. Long Yingtai said frankly that every time she saw her son smoking, she wanted to pull the cigarette out of his mouth and throw it into the sea. But she knew she couldn\’t do this. Long Yingtai warned herself in her heart: \”Please remember , the person sitting in front of you is an adult, you should treat him like all adults in the world. You wouldn\’t take the cigarette out of your friend\’s or a stranger\’s mouth, and you can\’t take the cigarette out of a child\’s mouth. He is no longer your \’child\’, he is a human being. He is just an ‘other’.” But even if he isWriters and thinkers, it is not easy to regard one\’s children as \”others\”. Therefore, Long Yingtai would occasionally slander like this: \”Andre, it is not easy for young people to grow up. Everyone knows it; but you have to learn from the mother who held you, nursed you, and protected you when you grew up.\” It\’s not easy to let go and treat you as someone else to a certain extent.\” Moreover, even though Long Yingtai has done a good job compared to most mothers, she is still not completely satisfied by her son. . In the 34th letter, Andre complained that he was already 21 years old, but the way his mother interacted with him was still that of a 14-year-old. She would say: \”Your room is so messy\”, \”Have you finished your homework?\”, \” It\’s two o\’clock, is it time to go to bed?\” In the 35th letter, Long Yingtai also wrote such a heartbreaking thing. Because Andre and her brother went to Shanghai for a summer internship, she also happily put forward the research My schedule is to come to Shanghai. I want to live in Shanghai with my children for a month and introduce them to mainland China. However, the children rejected her very directly, and the reason was very good: \”Why do you have to live with your mother when you can finally have your own independent space?\” Not only that, when the mother took a walk to her son\’s residence, they saw themselves When the washed clothes and socks were scattered messily on the sofa, she would carefully suppress the thought of helping to clean them up. Just like the sentence in the book: When a child grows up, he must \”leave\” in order to develop himself; and the so-called parents are those who are constantly happy and sad at the back of their children, who want to hug back but dare not The one who made the statement. The change in the way of getting along really made my mother very disappointed, but no matter how disappointed she was, she still had to fulfill this destined \”separation\”!