What is the best way to praise your children?

Let\’s first take a look at some of the following expressions: \”Look at my child, isn\’t he smart? You can understand when he plays with his mobile phone. He is very smart, but he just needs to study.\” My child just doesn\’t have his mind on business, otherwise , You have such a flexible mind, how could your grades be bad? \”You, if you are willing to use your energy for playing games in studying, what can you not do well with your intelligence and energy?\” \”Smartness seems to be an inescapable term when evaluating children. However, what we are going to talk about today is that we do not recommend that you praise your children too much – intelligence. Only a few are truly intelligent. In fact, most of us are intelligent. Ordinary people. First of all, of course we are not stupid, but we are not gifted either. Even in primary and secondary schools, the top students in various schools are not necessarily intelligent. Children have not taken professional intelligence tests. We only rely on our subjective judgment to evaluate the intelligence level of our children. Of course, no parent does not want their children to be smart and lively, so this \”subjective judgment\” naturally has elements of selectivity and bias. As the saying goes, \”Hedgehogs see their own children as naked.\” There must be an element of psychological comfort in this. The children are probably smarter, but they are far from being geniuses. From a genetic perspective, intelligence is one of the traits with the greatest chance of being inherited. Saying that your child is smart is about the same as saying \”humbly\” that you are smart. On the other hand, as long as you firmly believe that your child is smart, then \”as long as he puts his mind to it, there is nothing he can\’t do.\” This conclusion is also true. We need This kind of belief is reflected in the long years of accompanying children as they grow up. Therefore, no matter from any angle, we hope to dig out evidence of children’s intelligence from clues. Does being able to play with mobile phones count? Does being able to speak well count? Does quick reaction count? Doesn’t count? It can all be counted. Thinking determines destiny, and cultivating children’s growth mindset is the king of education. In fact, except for those with real intelligence problems, most children with average intelligence are smart in the eyes of their parents. However, , this kind of appreciation is more suitable to be kept in the heart. Mentioning it too much in front of children may become a subtle hint. The stability of intelligence has also been mentioned before. From a genetic point of view, intelligence is most affected by heredity. One of the factors. In other words, intelligence, almost innate, is a stable and uncontrollable factor. In attribution theory, this is the easiest way for people to lose motivation and fall into a self-denial mode. No matter how hard you work, It’s impossible to become smarter, so why bother? Just settle down. American psychologist Bernard Weiner believes that people’s analysis of the reasons for success or failure in behavior can be summarized into the following six reasons: Ability: based on one’s own evaluation Whether the individual is qualified for the job; Effort: Personal reflection and review whether he has tried his best during the work process; Task difficulty: Determine the difficulty of the task based on personal experience; Luck: Whether the individual believes that the success or failure of this time is related to luck Relevant; physical and mental state: whether the individual\’s physical and emotional state during the work process affects work effectiveness; the above five factors are the explanations or categories for ordinary people\’s attribution of success or failure. Weiner included the following three dimensions according to the nature of each factor: ①Control point: SimpleThe simple understanding is whether it is internal attribution (personal conditions) or external attribution (external environment). ②Stability: refers to whether the factors that the parties believe affect their success or failure are stable in nature. ③Controllability: refers to whether the factors that the parties believe affect their success or failure can be determined by personal will in nature. Obviously, personal abilities (including intelligence) belong to personal internal conditions and are stable and uncontrollable. Such an attribution method may seriously damage a child\’s motivation. If you attribute failure in exams to lack of ability, then in terms of psychological expectations, there is a high probability that you will continue to fail in future exams. Because you are not good at it, you will not be able to learn anything, and you will naturally not do well in the exam. If failure in an exam is attributed to bad luck, then there is a possibility of success in subsequent exams due to psychological expectations. Over-emphasis on the trait of intelligence may affect children\’s attribution methods, attributing failure intentionally or unintentionally to – I am not smart. Smart Personality If children want to maintain their \”smart personality\”, they should not work too hard. If they study casually, they will get good grades, and only then can they be worthy of their own intelligence. You put in 100% effort, but the final result is still not good, how can you justify it? Doesn’t that prove that you are “fake smart”? This creates a psychological defense: In order to maintain my smart persona, I just can\’t work too hard. In fact, too many children have such ideological baggage. In order to maintain their self-esteem, they deliberately play around and dare not devote themselves wholeheartedly. If you don\’t work hard, even if you fail, you can still find the psychological comfort of \”I didn\’t try my best, but if I study hard, I will definitely be good.\” For this psychological comfort, sometimes we would rather give up the chance of success. Because, at the very least, that would greatly reduce our chances of feeling like a failure. In the end, for the sake of an illusory \”smart character\”, a lot of opportunities that could be used to make every effort were wasted, and success passed by in the process. Persistence is more important than intelligence. Whether it is academic study, or skills such as piano, dance, roller skating, etc., if a person wants to achieve success, there is a spiral process, during which he will inevitably experience one bottleneck period or plateau period. When encountering a bottleneck period, the most important thing for children to do is to repeat, repeat, and repeat. In this repetitive process, look for subtle improvements and perfections until quantitative changes accumulate into qualitative changes, break through the bottleneck period, and usher in a new rising period. Repeat this cycle until you become a master. In the process of breaking through the bottleneck period, this kind of continuous repetition does not appear to be smart, or in other words, it has little to do with whether one is smart or not. For children who have been praised as \”smart\” since childhood, the people around them only rely on two points: first, they are quick to learn, and second, they are flexible and quick to respond. For example, you can understand what the teacher tells you once. Another example is that he can do the questions faster than others and is always the first to hand in the paper. Even including the mobile phone that no one else could understand, he got it in his hands and figured it out twice. The self-confidence of \”I am smart\” that children have built up in these aspects is actually very vulnerable. Once they encounter the bottleneck period mentioned above, they will feel very frustrated and feel that they cannot get through it again because they are not smart enough. To escape this frustration, the only thing they do isThe only options are to avoid repeated practice or to give up on the skill altogether. Intelligence will not disappear. On the other hand, intelligence is not something that will disappear or weaken if we do not deliberately emphasize it. Of course, the premise is that the child still maintains a basic state of learning and thinking. Moreover, parents do not suppress in the opposite direction: \”Why are you so stupid? You are as stupid as a pig.\” Then, the child\’s intelligence will continue to help and promote him in his life and study. Being smart is not a bad thing, but a real resource. But just as beauty is a girl\’s resource, how to make good use of this resource is the key. If you combine intelligence with persistence, humility, and enthusiasm, you will become even more powerful. On the contrary, if cleverness is coupled with self-righteousness, burdensomeness, and complacency, it may be a disaster. As a matter of fact, the best policy is to help children improve their intelligence and add traits that can bring them into full play.