What is the root cause of outstanding children but lack of confidence?

Your child has good grades, but does he dare to give a speech to the whole class? Will you take the initiative to express your opinions when there are many people? When you encounter a problem, do you solve it yourself, or do you rely on your parents? Do you have your own clear interests and hobbies? It is not easy for many excellent Chinese children to do the above. Although American children have different abilities, they all seem to be very confident. What deficiencies does this reflect in our education? This American mother with three children may be able to give you the answer. Is the love you give your children conditional? Psychologists believe that children\’s self-confidence and affirmation of their own value as a person fundamentally come from the unconditional love of their parents. What is unconditional love? When a child comes into this world, American parents will say to their child: Baby, no matter whether you are healthy or sick, smart or stupid, obedient or naughty, beautiful or ugly, good or poor in academic performance, mom and dad will always love you. , raise you until you become an independent person. This is unconditional love. Just because you are my child, I love you, it has nothing to do with what kind of child you are. With the support of his parents\’ love, the child will be fearless no matter what he encounters outside: \”My parents love me and affirm me.\” He is very at ease in his heart, knowing that he has inexhaustible strength and can face it. The whole world. Parents who can love their children unconditionally are also confident people and have a positive attitude towards themselves, so they will not impose their unfulfilled ideals on their children, or force their children to do things they have not achieved. Go and do it for you. What a child desires most is the love and unconditional love of his parents. Because he is his parents\’ baby, not because he is a \”piano prodigy\” or a \”mathematical genius\”, or because he has won any awards. If parents\’ love is conditional: your parents will be satisfied only if you study well, and your parents will be happy only if you win the Mathematical Olympiad, the children will doubt themselves, lose confidence in themselves, and learn to wear snobbish glasses. Face love and care. Why don\’t you respect your children? Confidence comes from self-esteem. A person first has self-esteem and then becomes confident. Self-esteem initially comes from the respect given to him by the outside world. If you want a child to be confident, first of all, parents and society must respect him. American schools have always emphasized \”encouraging education\” and \”respecting education\”, hoping that students will establish a positive self-understanding, not feel inferior due to comparison with other people\’s strengths, and realize that everyone is a unique individual and has their own shining point. point. Maybe he is not good at mathematics, but he is popular and has leadership skills; maybe he is not good at writing, but he is good at painting and has artistic ability; maybe he is not good at expressing, but he is good at sports. Teachers and parents should help children find their strengths and create opportunities for them to develop, thereby establishing their self-confidence. A friend has been a top student since he was a child. He was admitted to the Department of Biology of Peking University and later received a PhD in molecular biology from Princeton University. After graduation, he worked in a well-known large pharmaceutical company. She often feels annoyed in the company because her American colleagues are far less technical than her, but they allI felt great, and I opened my mouth and said: \”I have the deepest understanding of this problem…\” \”I have made breakthrough progress on this topic…\” But she was always looking for her own shortcomings. She never had the courage to say how well she did. In fact, she contributed more than anyone else. She feels that compared to Americans, she is the strongest in terms of strength. What she lacks is self-confidence, and she has lost many opportunities in the company because of this. When her own children went to school, she participated in school activities and said with emotion how much American parents and teachers respect their children. There was a child in his class who was obviously mentally ill. The teacher was always encouraging him. After he answered one of the ten questions correctly, the teacher immediately asked him to go to the front and show that question to everyone. Everyone applauded and encouraged him to continue working hard. Not even a hint of sarcasm. Can children who grow up in this kind of environment lack self-confidence? How is it like when we were children, when we failed to do well in the exam, our parents scolded us whenever they asked, and we violated discipline. The teacher asked us to stand in front of the classroom and accept everyone\’s criticism. Where is the dignity at all? She said: \”The best students like me, who are number one in the school, have been beaten to the point of losing their self-confidence. Not to mention the poor students, it\’s no wonder that so many students who don\’t study well are ruined.\” Why are you always picky? The child’s shortcomings? Everyone has a psychological need for recognition and appreciation. If a child feels that he is appreciated by others and that he is important and meaningful to others, then he will naturally have a happy and self-conscious mind. A feeling of certainty. Children\’s mental development is not yet mature, and they often position themselves based on other people\’s evaluations of themselves, especially the evaluations of their parents and teachers. If he is praised often, his heart will be full of pride and confidence, and he will feel that he is excellent and special. On the contrary, if the child usually hears reprimands, faults, blames and even sarcasm, and if the parent catches a small mistake and criticizes it endlessly, he will feel that he is a failure and can\’t do anything well. . Over time, he will deny his abilities, develop an inferiority complex, and lose his enthusiasm for learning and life. In the United States, families, schools and society as a whole adopt an encouraging and appreciative attitude towards children. When my daughter was in second grade, her class collaborated with another class to rehearse a program for parents to report on. That day, in the school\’s large conference room, parents of students from both classes sat in rows with cameras in hand. The children took turns singing, dancing, reciting, and performing short plays on stage. I noticed that everyone takes turns in poetry recitation, and each student has basically the same opportunity to perform, with three or four opportunities to perform independently. Children with strong abilities would memorize their lines and recite them while others held their lines in their hands and recited them. All the performances received the warmest applause from their parents. Every child has to participate in the elementary school sports meeting. There are basketball, football, baseball and other sports teams as well as orchestras and string bands. Anyone who wants to participate can sign up. They are not selected based on personal ability. Whether it is a performance or a competition, the audience applauds thunderously to encourage the children. Starting from the first grade, the class cadre is everyone taking turnsOf course, when it comes to speaking on the podium, everyone is qualified and can speak whatever they want. Some children speak in a disorganized manner, stumbling, and their introductory words are inconsistent with what they say. The teacher will praise them for their unique viewpoints and commendable courage. Teachers always try their best to pick out the children\’s strengths and highlights and praise them, while ignoring the children\’s shortcomings. Over time, the child\’s good qualities will become better and better, and his strengths will become longer and longer. Children gain confidence because of their strengths. Do you trust your children enough? Parents often deny their children\’s feelings intentionally or unintentionally, and say words that do not trust their children. For example, if a child says it\’s too hot and doesn\’t want to wear a coat, we will scold the child: Why is it hot? Mom is not hot at all. When a child wants to help carry the plate, the mother immediately says, \”You can\’t hold it steady. Look, you\’ve hit the plate.\” If the child complains that the homework is difficult, we will say, \”Why can others do it but you can\’t? You must not have done it in class.\” Listen carefully.\” If a child wants to try something new, some parents will say, \”Come on, I didn\’t know what you did, so don\’t be embarrassed.\” Even when the child becomes an adult and wants to find a partner, the parents are still worried about the child. vision. In the eyes of their parents, children will always be \”talkative but weak in action\”. Even parents do not believe in their children\’s judgment. Where does his self-confidence come from? When parents repeatedly deny their children\’s ideas and actions when they are young, they kill their children\’s self-confidence and independence bit by bit. Therefore, as parents, you must trust your children\’s feelings and judgments. If your child refuses to wear a coat because it is hot, then touch your child’s little hands to see if they are very hot. You can hold the coat for him and put it on when he needs it. He felt that the course was too difficult, so we worked with him to analyze the difficulty, find the crux, and help the child solve it. Whatever he wants to try, give him a chance to try, give him full trust and a chance to learn. Self-confidence, a person\’s true inner self-confidence, is cultivated from childhood, and the most important way to cultivate it is for parents to set an example and have enough confidence in their children first. No matter whether the child has won an award or not; no matter what the child\’s test scores are; no matter what major the child studies or which university he goes to; or even whether he goes to college or not; as long as the child has good moral character and knows what he is doing now, What do you want to do in the future, and pursue your ideals in a down-to-earth manner. Then, he will develop his own sky in the future world. A truly confident person does not rely on external value support such as academic qualifications, work achievements, money, and appearance. He determines his own value, and his inner peace comes from this.