What kind of family can allow children to grow up healthily and happily?

I have been engaged in psychological counseling for children and adolescents for more than 30 years, and have conducted nearly 10,000 psychological counseling sessions. Especially after 2000, cases increased exponentially. Through in-depth exploration of these cases, I found that children’s problems are almost always family problems. Only when each family member performs his or her own duties and finds his or her own role can he or she help children grow up healthily and happily. Mother is not in a good position to let her children have psychological flexibility. \”In class today, did you understand what the teacher said? Have you finished your homework? This exam is one point lower than the last time. I will give you a few more questions of the same type. As soon as you do it…\” Are you familiar with this scene? In many families, the main manager of children\’s learning is the mother. As long as we meet, my mother will always talk about studying. Even if the things she talks about at the beginning have nothing to do with studying, they will eventually get around to studying. In recent years, as social competition has intensified, family culture centered on children\’s learning has gradually become deformed. Some children say that they have a mother, but they don’t seem to have a mother. Because in the child\’s mind, mother is no longer a mother, but a teacher and supervisor. This serious misalignment of family roles puts children under great pressure for a long time, causing various problems such as test anxiety and study weariness. The reason for the misalignment of the mother\’s role is often related to anxiety. Among 10 anxious parents, 9 are mothers and 1 is father, because the more people are in charge, the more anxious they become. Why the anxiety? The common reason behind this is that they have not yet reached the height of the spiritual and soul level. After rising to a high level, our structure will become larger, and we will focus on thinking about public affairs and not be too entangled in the gains and losses of personal interests. Of course, this requires continuous learning to achieve. People who can\’t achieve it are anxious about everything they do, and children\’s learning is the point where anxiety is concentrated. This anxiety is reflected in the interaction with children, which is constantly pushing. I have asked many children: \”Which sentence your mother said impressed you the most?\” \”Hurry up, hurry up.\” This is the answer of most children. If children are pushed and compared with others for a long time, they will lose their psychological flexibility and easily go to extremes. One extreme is suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, excessive pursuit of perfection, writing words like print, and crying when you don\’t get 100 points on the test. But most will go to the other extreme – being tired of learning, losing the motivation to learn and grow, and not wanting to do anything. Once, our psychological consultation room received a girl. As soon as we met, she couldn\’t wait to ask me for help: \”Teacher Chen, please help me, how can I not slack off?\” She is a sophomore in high school. She has been ranked first in the school many times. Her greatest happiness is to get a good ranking. But now she often falls into deep self-blame and serious internal conflict. The reason is that she does not allow herself to relax at all, even if she chats with her mother for half an hour. The mother also felt that something was wrong with her daughter\’s condition. I asked about her past experience in detail and found out that she was a mother who had been anxious for a long time. She had enrolled her daughter in various cram schools for advanced learning since elementary school. When she graduated from elementary school, she even let her daughter learn physics in the second grade of junior high school ahead of schedule. \”My child is always in front, so others can\’t catch up.\” The only common topic between mother and daughter is study. For this case, we can onlyStart by subverting cognition. I analyzed the root causes and serious consequences of this phenomenon and said, \”If this continues, the child will not go to school at best, or end up in a mental hospital at worst.\” I suggest that mothers stop interfering in their children\’s studies, let nature take its course, and only take care of their children\’s basic life and emotions. Later, the girl\’s condition improved greatly and she was able to accept herself and correctly view the relationship between study and entertainment. If you want your children to face study and life with a healthy attitude, mothers must return to their roots. First, be a “healing” mother. When your child encounters stress and setbacks outside, protect him from wind and rain. For example, when a child comes home frustrated, his mother asks with concern: \”What\’s wrong with you? Are you unhappy at school?\” \”The teacher asked me to copy the words 5 times!\” \”It would be a mother who would be unhappy. But you see the teacher makes you Copying words is not all bad, you can write quickly and skillfully now.\” The mother\’s words healed the child\’s injuries in time and acted as a refueling station. The next day, the child can go to school happily as usual. Secondly, be a \”Dinghaishenzhen\” type mother. Mom should cultivate herself and overcome anxiety. Mother\’s emotions are the soul of the family. An emotionally stable mother brings peace of mind to the entire family. If the mother cannot manage her emotions well and quarrels with her husband all day long, the children will think: It is all my fault. If I study well and become better, they will not quarrel. As a result, he fell into endless self-blame and pressure, and his studies became even worse. When a mother no longer plays the role of teacher and supervisor, but becomes just a caring person who accompanies her children, only then can the children find warmth and attachment from her, and gain a source of strength to keep moving forward. The father is not absent and inspires his children’s upward power. American psychologist Eric Fromm said that a father is the one who points out the way to the world to his children. In family education, father\’s intervention means presence. Even if the person is not present, the role and position must be there. The father\’s participation will add a sense of rules and new vision to the family education that was originally led by the mother, allowing the children to feel the power of competition and see a wider world. This is crucial for a child\’s growth. The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! I once saw a piece of news: During the summer vacation, a 14-year-old boy and his father rode 2,200 kilometers on the Sichuan-Tibet Line of National Highway 318 for 24 days. At the peak of the day, the two climbed four 4,000-meter mountains, and the daily distance was equivalent to a full marathon. In a later interview, the teenager said that the most important reason why he was able to persevere in a difficult environment was that, \”Dad is with me. If dad can do it, I can do it too.\” The father\’s attentive companionship and role model gave the child endless power and made him a sunny, confident and brave person. Of course, children develop in stages, and different stages have different psychological needs. For example, there are two periods when the father\’s role must not be absent and he must have time and space alone with his children. In early childhood, fathers often play with their children. When they reach 13 months old, children will go to the ground to explore the world. At this time, dad will be the safety for the child to explore the worldGuarantee. If father\’s love is lacking, children\’s courage and desire to explore the world will be reduced. Some boys\’ timidity, fragility, lack of perseverance, willpower, frustration resistance, bravery, hard work and other traits are all related to the lack of father\’s role. Dads must be willing to spend time and energy accompanying their children as they grow up, squat down to talk to them, and watch over their children from a moderate distance. Especially when a child is in need, extend a warm and strong hand without hesitation and let him feel safe and protected at all times. Only then will the child\’s psychological strength become stronger. If you are really too busy, you can even take out 10 minutes a day to play with your children for a while, give them a hug, or read a book together. The teenage period of twelve or thirteen years old is also a critical period when father\’s love cannot be absent. Children at this stage need even more equal and respectful companionship and invisible guidance from their father. Research shows that children whose fathers accompany them well can show better emotional self-regulation, stronger ability to interact with peers, fewer problem behaviors, and fewer illegal behaviors in childhood and adolescence. Of course, every family has its own situation, and we cannot force every father to spend a lot of time with his children. But there are still some ways to be a father who is not absent and try to make up for the shortcomings. Dad should leave precious time for his family and children according to his own schedule, and play ball and swim with his children. Whatever you promise your child, you must find a way to do it, never break your promise to your child, and let him feel his father\’s unconditional love. Try not to be absent from important events for your child, such as birthdays, 18-year-old coming-of-age ceremonies, parent-teacher meetings, etc., so that your children can feel valued and gain confidence. During the holidays, you can arrange a short-term trip for father and son (daughter), which can not only enhance the relationship, but also broaden your horizons and shape the child\’s character. The famous educator Richard Evans once said: \”Children will not remember you because of the material things you provide, they will remember you because of the feeling that you cherished them.\” A person only grows up once, and his father\’s attentive companionship will lead him. The spiritual wealth that comes from this is the greatest wealth in a child’s life. Elderly people should not be offside and create a healthy environment for children. As the pace of life accelerates, some dual-income families encounter difficulties in time and energy when raising children, so the elderly at home step in to help. However, in the process of intergenerational upbringing, if the two generations cannot reach a consensus and their roles are confused, conflicts will also break out and affect the healthy development of children. Most of the conflicts in intergenerational parenting arise from the fact that the elderly completely replace the parents and assume all the responsibilities of parenting. A healthy family structure should be one in which parents are not absent when educating their children. The father takes on the responsibilities of a father, the mother takes on the responsibilities of a mother, and both husband and wife jointly give love and care to the children. If you live with an elderly person, the elderly person is positioned as a helper. Be clear about their respective positions and authorities, and don\’t cross the line to dictate. But is it really not okay for the elderly to take care of their children? the answer is negative. When children are young, nurturing comes first. The children have not been raised well, let alone educated. The elderly have rich experience in raising children and can learn from them. In terms of education, young parents must have certain knowledge of parenting, grasp the most important factors that affect their children\’s growth, and be well aware of them. If you find oldHuman ideas are indeed unscientific, and we can use another method of admonishment. For example: The old man doesn\’t let his children wear their own clothes. Parents can advise their children to dress themselves, which can exercise the fine movements of their hands and help them learn to write well in the future. Moreover, this will allow children to find the confidence of \”I can do it\” and excel in kindergarten. Seeing that there are so many benefits for children to wear their own clothes, the elderly will basically agree. In case of encountering an old man who is stubborn and cannot be persuaded no matter how hard he tries, parents may wish to give up verbal persuasion and take more actions. For example, when accompanying their children on weekends, they can appropriately arrange activities to train their children\’s corresponding abilities, and there is no need to argue to correct the old man. Another reason why the old man is offside is that the parents of the child are confused and don\’t know how to educate them well, so they simply let the old man make the decision. Therefore, if the elderly do not go offside, the key is that parents need to continue to learn. Only by truly studying in place can we know where the principle mistakes that cannot be made at each age stage are and where to focus. According to my observation, the psychological needs of children born after 2000 have changed greatly compared with children in the past. I once attended a parent-teacher conference in an elementary school and asked students to write letters to their parents. Most of the children wrote: \”Do you understand me? Do you understand me?\” \”Do you regard me as an important person?\” The desire for respect and emotional satisfaction are the common characteristics of this generation of children. Therefore, from the day a child is born, parents must carry this respect and love through every day of their upbringing. Read the full text of Decoding Puberty for free pdf+epub+azw From the age of 30 to 3 years old, you should pay attention to him all the time. This is a critical period for children to establish a sense of security. Mothers should try to minimize socializing, go home immediately after get off work to be with their children, and tell them \”I love you\” 100 times a day is not too much. From the age of 3 to 6 years old, you should accompany him sincerely. This is a critical period for children to develop their desire to explore. Dads should spend more time with their children. When children feel safe, their desire to explore will be strengthened. From the age of 6 to 12, you must really like him. After going to school, children may have low self-esteem because they were hit at school, or they may have done wrong things sometimes. Parents should provide enough patience, understanding and love so that he can experience unconditional love from his parents. After the age of 12, you must truly believe in him. At this time, the child has entered adolescence, and parents have to trust him again and again. As trust increases, children will have a stronger and stronger sense of responsibility and eventually become a person who knows how to control themselves. Only when the mother is in her right place, the father is not absent, and the elderly are not offside, can everyone find their own role in the family and jointly create a happy and healthy growth environment for the children.