What kind of family is likely to raise a child with a sense of relaxation?

There was a very popular post on Douban recently, which resonated strongly with many people. The general idea is that a girl and her boyfriend both seem to have a glamorous life and decent jobs. However, the girl lives in pain every day, but her boyfriend is very happy. For example: They all learn musical instruments. But she took the exams all the way through pain and never touched it again, while her boyfriend never took the exams and just practiced his favorite music; they both have good jobs. But she was stressed out and miserable, and her boyfriend was doing something he loved; they both loved cats. But she can train the cat to learn skills, and the cat will get angry if it can\’t do it, but her boyfriend has always been very patient and gentle with the cat. She doesn\’t understand: Why are the two people\’s mentality so different despite growing up in similar family backgrounds? Until she saw the relationship between her boyfriend and her parents, she felt that she had found the root cause. My boyfriend and his parents care and love each other, but maintain appropriate boundaries and know how to respect each other. Only then did she discover: It turns out that there are really people in this world who can be so happy and loved so lightly. The relationship between her and her parents was not so \”relaxed\”, so she lived a very \”tight\” life. Different origin families make her and her boyfriend\’s life situations completely opposite. After reading it, many netizens envied the girl\’s boyfriend and wished they could live in such a family. So, today I want to talk to you: What kind of family can raise children with a sense of \”relaxation\”? These three types of parents are likely to give \”wrongy\” children a sense of relaxation, which usually means that they are not clumsy, less anxious, have stable emotions and strong self-regulation ability; and behave comfortably and naturally in handling most things. It essentially reveals that the person is secure and has a high sense of self-identity. For example, the boyfriend mentioned by the girl at the beginning is someone who has a strong sense of relaxation. He focuses on enjoying the things themselves, rarely being affected by external judgments, and living life at his own pace. Obviously, it was his parents who provided him with a healthy and relaxed environment to grow up. Girls are just the opposite. Although they are excellent, they are always anxious and awkward, and it is not easy to feel happy from the bottom of their hearts. In contrast, she believes that this is related to the parenting style of the parents. Lack of relaxation is the result of living in a stressful environment for a long time. Psychologically speaking, these three types of parents may be more likely to raise children who are not relaxed enough: a. Emotionally unstable parents. Parents\’ own emotional instability may cause tension among family members, such as frequent conflicts and quarrels. Or the child\’s own emotional management ability is poor, which manifests as venting emotions on the child, and the attitude towards the child is sometimes good or bad, etc. As the weaker members of the family, children need to deal with the pressure caused by their parents\’ emotional outbursts. As a result, it is more likely to cause a series of chain reactions such as decreased concentration, sensitivity and low self-esteem, lack of security, and excessive internal pressure and conflict. In response to stress, a child\’s brain secretes a type of \”cortisol.\” \”Cortisol\” is a hormone produced by the adrenal glands in response to stress. If the amount of secretion is too large, or the secretion continues for a long time, it will affect the development of brain nerves, and in severe cases, children will develop \”mental disorders.\” b. Negative parents. Parents who oftenFighting and denying children, and facing children\’s negative emotions, \”emotional rejection\” will occur. That is to say, parents hold the idea that negative emotions are harmful and try to change or eliminate negative emotions as soon as possible. They eliminate their children\’s negative emotional reactions by ignoring, diverting attention, or punishing them, and make their children feel that negative emotions should be rejected. . Let\’s say a little boy is afraid of the dark and starts crying. At this time, if his parents often say: \”What is a boy afraid of the dark?\” he will feel ashamed of this. In order to win the approval and love of his parents, he is likely to deny his feelings and tell himself that he is not afraid of the dark. However, his fear of the dark still exists, and conflicts easily arise between his mind and his heart. When more and more of his inner feelings, especially vulnerability and mistakes, are not accepted, the greater the extent to which his own true experience will be distorted, and the inner conflicts will become greater and greater. This can easily lead to low self-esteem, defensiveness, and anxiety, which can easily lead to physical and mental stress in children. c. Controlling parents. Parents of this type often control their children through behavioral control and psychological control, consciously or unconsciously. They control the child\’s psychology through resource control, or by expressing disappointment, disapproval, threats, etc. emotionally to make the child feel guilty and ashamed. Furthermore, they hope to keep children emotionally dependent on their parents for a long time without achieving true independence. Children who grow up under excessive control are more likely to develop low self-esteem and mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, and antisocial behavior. As the girl mentioned above said, the way her parents got along with her made her consciously want to be a filial girl, earn money to send home, and be a good girl to her parents. However, she will still be accused of \”not caring about the life and death of her family at all.\” This accusation made her feel particularly aggrieved and successfully aroused her sense of shame for being \”unfilial\”. This \”wrong\” relationship with her parents prevents her from moving forward as easily as her boyfriend. What kind of family is better able to send out \”relaxed\” children? There are indeed many imperfect parents in reality, but there are also many parents whose practices are worth learning and discussing. We have concluded that children who have a greater sense of \”relaxation\” mostly come from these three types of families: a. Let the children believe that they are worthy of love. I saw a mother online who did something to prepare for a rainy day for her daughter: every month They all save a sum of money called \”breakup fee\” for their daughters in order to give them enough confidence. I have the confidence to break up with people I don’t like, break up with a city I don’t like, break up with food I don’t like, break up with a job I don’t like… “No matter what I encounter, I am the person who is deeply loved by my mother. \”. This love is the armor we use to fight monsters and upgrade in life! Parents\’ unconditional love and acceptance can easily make children feel safe enough and filled with positive energy. It will be easier to face life with ease, and even if you encounter difficulties, you will have more strength to get through those relatively difficult moments and explore the world freely. b. Truthfully accept children’s mistakes and vulnerabilities Whether parents can accept their children’s mistakes and vulnerabilities greatly affects the boundaries of children’s free exploration, and also deeply affects children’s self-perception and evaluation. recent, a hot topic on Weibo, \”How happy are families with a high fault tolerance rate?\” has aroused heated discussions. It is a collection of videos. The parents in the videos all have one thing in common. After their children get into trouble, no one loses control of their emotions, and no one blames or complains. Instead, they actively calm their emotions and find ways to solve the problem. In the comment area, many people said, \”I\’m so envious.\” Because these children are more emotionally stable and have stronger mobility than the collapse and anxiety they experience after making mistakes. Such a family, no matter how difficult it is in life, will work together to face it together. The famous psychology professor David Hawkins said: \”People full of positive energy can drive the people around them to become orderly and beautiful.\” He deeply agrees. Since things are broken, don\’t damage your feelings. Parents truthfully accept their children\’s true feelings, even if these feelings are unpleasant, allow their children to make mistakes, and give them room to grow. If their children\’s inner feelings are empathized with, they will not be prone to fear, relax physically and mentally, and thus have energy and Courage to experience life. Parents allow themselves to make mistakes, and at the same time allow their children to make mistakes. Such families will be more likely to be happy. c. Cultivate children\’s \”blunt sensitivity\” In life, we will find that \”thick-skinned\” people often have a good mentality, strong ability to resist setbacks, and live more relaxed lives. This is similar to the \”insensitive force\” mentioned by Junichi Watanabe. Insensitivity is the opposite of \”over-sensitivity\”. Junichi Watanabe described in the book \”Insensitive Power\”: \”Insensitive power is a kind of talent, a kind of power that allows people\’s talents to blossom and bear fruit. Insensitive power is a kind of endurance against difficulties. It is a kind of endurance. The ability to face the outside world with a thick skin is a positive attitude towards life. \”People with blunt sensitivity sometimes seem to not care about many things, and behind this indifference is a strong \”self-awareness.\” , can also be said to be \”self-confidence\”. They often don\’t care that much about the comments or setbacks of people around them. Parents can lead by example and guide in this aspect. Recalling that some time ago, a little boy said to his mother in frustration: \”I raised my hand three times in kindergarten today, but the teacher didn\’t call me…\” After the mother listened, she first confirmed the child\’s feelings: \”Do you feel that you are being criticized by the teacher?\” Ignored, a little sad, right?\” After the child nodded, the mother calmed him down, and then used the example of peeling a pea to guide him: \”Why don\’t you peel this pea? Is it because you don\’t? Do you like another one?\” The child replied: \”No, it\’s because there are too many peas and I can only peel them one by one.\” Then, the mother told the child: \”You raised your hand and the teacher didn\’t ask you to answer. I don’t like you, but because there are too many children, the teacher has to take care of them one by one. \”So you can be patient. In the past or in the future, the teacher always asked you to answer, right?\” This kind of guidance is gentle. It comforts the child, stops internal friction, learns to look at external evaluations objectively, improves \”insensitivity\”, and will have a better mentality when facing similar things in the future. Relaxation can also be learned. Many people may ask: \”What if I grew up in a tense, high-stress family?\”Does it mean that it will be difficult for me to move forward easily and live a happy life? \”The answer is of course no. As psychologist Adler said: \”Neither genetics nor psychological trauma can control you. No matter what you have experienced, you can choose the future now. \”I met a friend recently, and he seemed to be a lot more transparent. In the past, he grew up in a family with relatively strict parents, and he always had high demands on himself. In addition, he worked as a lawyer, and he was physically and mentally stressed for a long time. It developed to the point where he had insomnia and anorexia, and had to quit his job and go home to rest. I was curious about why he had changed like this. He told me that a few years ago, he found a suburban B&B where he could work in exchange for room and board, so he went to work there. . Work at sunrise and rest at sunset, eating home-grown ecological food, which is very healthy. The work given by the landlord and his wife is mostly manual labor, and he has no chance to overthink. In addition, he has relaxed a lot in the past few years. He has been following a very good psychological counselor, and his mood has gradually improved, and his physical problems have diminished. More importantly, he has learned how to better deal with his children. \”Relax.\” Inspired by his changes, perhaps we can try to reacquire a \”sense of relaxation\” from the following two points: a. At the cognitive level, try to jump out of identity, or under the guidance of a counselor, use a third-party perspective , to understand the relationship between yourself and your parents, and learn to take full responsibility for your own life and no longer be immersed in the role of \”victim\”. Whether you do it or not does not determine your own happiness. It is better to save the energy of transforming your parents and create a new \”object relationship\”. A good relationship is like a container that can accommodate your negative emotions and help you expand your psychological space. , let you grow. It is a pity that there is no perfect start, but we can still pass the level little by little, and release the power of life little by little. b. Care for yourself from the physical to the spiritual level, and do subtraction. , let the body rest, choose ways to relax, such as yoga, meditation, etc., to arouse the body\’s sensitivity and let the energy flow. Or, for example, be more in touch with high-energy people and things. Connect with them, learn from their positive energy, etc. Emotions are contagious. After spending time with such people, you will become more positive and relaxed. It may be a pity that you did not grow up in a relaxed family environment, but we can. Try to gradually cultivate your own mental strength and create such a space for the next generation. Finally, may you and I create a loving family environment in a lighter state, nourishing ourselves and our children, and loving you.