What kind of parents do children who had an unfortunate childhood become?

I like to observe the people around me. There are always some people who confuse me. For example, there was once a mother-in-law who spoke emotionally about her daughter-in-law, her tone full of pity: \”It\’s not easy for so-and-so in our family. My grandson is very difficult to take care of. She works and teaches her children at the same time.\” , we have to communicate with the school frequently, and we are so busy that we, so-and-so, are tired.\” \”So-and-so\” is the name of the daughter-in-law, and this mother-in-law specially used \”our family\” to modify it, which makes her look particularly kind and unlike her. Mother-in-law is like a mother who cares about her daughter. I was still young at that time, and I was deeply moved after hearing this. I felt that this was the most harmonious relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law I had ever seen. According to common sense, since the mother-in-law loves her daughter-in-law so much, even if she does not live together, she will probably help her, often helping with the children and housework, so that her daughter-in-law can have a short rest. However, for several years, such a scene almost never happened. My mother-in-law spends most of her daily life playing cards and chatting, which is quite comfortable and relaxing. Once, I mentioned to this daughter-in-law how much her mother-in-law loved her. She said calmly: \”She says this to everyone, but she never pays attention to us.\” This confirmed my observation and made me even more confused. As a mother-in-law, she is free to help her daughter-in-law or not, but this kind of enthusiasm in words and indifference in behavior form a sharp contrast, which makes people feel awkward and uncomfortable even as a bystander. What makes people even more uncomfortable is that she can always give an appropriate explanation for her attitude: For example: It is really difficult for us so-and-so. I have been thinking about how to help her, but you see, my family is enough for me. I\’m busy, I have no time to spare all day long. Just say yesterday, I was busy from morning to night… This kind of logic may sound believable, but as long as you compare it with real behavior, it\’s like colorful soap. Bubbles burst instantly. I have heard this sentiment full of affectionate care and extenuating explanations dozens of times over the past few years, and I am not their close friend, I am only familiar with them. Although there is no way to count how many times she said these words, it must be a very astonishing number. Over the years, I heard many stories, and I was surprised to find that this mother-in-law was not an exception. She became the \”prototype\” for me to observe a type of people. Moreover, such stories do not only happen between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but more often between parents and children. Many people recall their parents and are surprised to find that they used to think that their parents were very good to them, enthusiastic, loving, and considerate. Later, they found out that it was mostly an illusion created by language. At the behavioral level, they were actually mixed with a lot of indifference and even hostility. The moment many people saw the truth, they felt unspeakable anger. For example, one parent talked about her relationship with her mother. She said that over the years, her mother always talked about how good she was to her when she was a child, and repeatedly said how difficult it was to take care of her at that time. She would stay up at night and cry all night long. She would not be able to fall asleep even if she held her every day. How sleepy you are at work, how tiring your life is. I had an excellent career opportunity, but I gave it up because of the drag of my children. As a child, sheI always felt very guilty, thinking that it was my fault that made my mother so hard and helpless. As I grew older, my mother said this over and over again, and she found it annoying. She began to observe the way other mothers and daughters got along, and she discovered that she had never had that kind of intimacy, tenderness, and soft maternal love. When she became a mother herself, she realized more clearly that her children would also cry at night. This was what a mother had to face every day. She would never take these as evidence of love and exaggerate to her children for dozens of times. Year. At the same time, she gradually saw the truth in the relationship. For example, she was diagnosed with hepatitis when she was six or seven years old. Her mother led her from door to door in the compound and said: \”Our child has hepatitis, don\’t let your child follow She plays with her.\” In the next few years, even though her hepatitis had long been cured, she still had no playmates and suffered from neglect and rejection. She said that all she had to do was isolate herself when she was sick. Looking back now, this way of parading in the streets simply pushed her little self into a desperate situation. A parent once said that the same was true for her own mother. When she realized that her mother didn\’t know how to love her at all, she felt endless sadness in her heart. What made her even more devastated was that she found that there was no communication between mother and daughter. Her mother was almost incommunicado, and she was not on the same page for big and small things. For example, she repeatedly told her mother that the clothes should be washed in the washing machine and she did not need to wash them by hand, especially not to help her wash clothes late at night. However, no matter how many times she said it, no matter how fiercely she emphasized it, her mother still went her own way. He took this as evidence that he was good to his daughter. This parent said that when she was a child, her mother prevented her from playing with her classmates in the name of fear of bad learning. She occasionally went out to play with her classmates secretly, and her relatives used extraordinary means to track exactly where she went at what time. I know exactly what time it comes out. When she became an adult, her mother actually gave away her pet dog privately, completely ignoring her heartbreak, on the grounds that it would cost money and make people prone to becoming withdrawn. In her opinion, her mother\’s ears seemed to be blocked and she could not hear any of her own sounds. Day after day, this feeling made people collapse, crazy, frustrated, and helpless, as if facing an iron wall, and finally , all the emotions gathered into only two words: despair. Right & wrong for the same person, in the eyes of outsiders and family members, there is a huge difference. What outsiders see is enthusiasm, kindness, friendliness, full consideration for others, and seems to be full of positive energy. What the family saw was indifference, stubbornness, and inconsistent words and deeds. At the same time, he is very good at rationalizing his behavior and can explain everything just right. It\’s hard to imagine how these two completely opposite qualities could come together in one person. After being in contact with each other for a long time, you will find that they have a set of common rhetoric to bridge the gap between the two. Sometimes, you clearly know that there are loopholes in your logic, but you can\’t catch it for a while. That\’s because they have a script in their minds and have rehearsed every detail countless times. In this sense, they are absolutely impeccable actors. At a certain dazed moment, they couldn\’t help but marvel at their explosive acting skills. The case was amazing. as a bystanderOtherwise, I feel so tired for them, and it’s not worth it for them. In a person\’s life, he spends so precious time weaving an illusory scene. Why can\’t he live sincerely? After thinking for a long time, I finally realized that they did not have such ability, so they chose a complicated and insincere way of living. In fact, the idea to understand is very simple. You only need to ask one question: How did they grow up? I have noticed that people of this type usually have an extremely unhappy childhood. Compared with happy children, they have one thing less and one thing more. The less is love, the more is blame or even abuse. Because they have not received love and warmth since childhood, they lack the emotional ability of ordinary people. For example, the mother-in-law cannot truly feel the hardship of her daughter-in-law on a sensory level, and the mother cannot feel the loneliness of her daughter being rejected and the anger of being followed. Maybe you will say, but how to explain their considerate side? In fact, it is just out of reason. They know what is \”good\” and what is \”right\” and force themselves to get closer to this appearance. For them, it\’s enough that it looks right. In this way they escape the most terrible reproach. It was their childhood nightmare. Therefore, you will find that this type of personality and behavior can be summarized in one sentence: I am not wrong, I am particularly right. If you understand this type of person from this core, everything will be easily solved. If you don’t know how to love others and are afraid of making mistakes, you can only pretend to love others. Compassion and Compassion describe this type of people, not for crusade, but only for seeing. In my life and work, there are surprisingly many people of this type. If you happen to have someone with this kind of personality among your closest relatives, your heart must be filled with extremely complex emotions like the daughter-in-law and daughter described above. If a child lives in an environment where there is no love but only blame, then his sensory system will always be in a state of contraction and defense. Their feelings for the kindness of others will be slow, even insensitive or even doubtful. The common sentence pattern \”He is not good to me just because…\”, but when it comes to criticism and hostility, it reaches the point of neurosis. For example, some people hold grudges against someone else\’s unintentional comment for 20 years, and eventually become their own imaginary enemy. If a person\’s sensory system has been damaged since childhood, making him insensitive to love and sensitive to blame, gradually the sensory system will lose balance and become distorted. Whether it is our peers or our elders, the level of respect we received in childhood was far less than that of children today. As for the unfortunate children, their childhood experiences are simply a history of blood and tears. Just like the mother mentioned above, her own childhood experience can be summed up in eight words: both her parents died and she was left to live under someone else\’s roof. Even if we use a little imagination, we can imagine how difficult it was for her to grow up. They live in their own pain all their lives, and at the same time, they also cause pain to those closest to them. It is difficult to judge with right and wrong. I just hope that there will be more happy children now and more happy adults in the future.