What should I do if a couple quarrels? What happened to the children who were \”tricked\” by the quarrel?

Recently, Pan Yueming\’s former agent Chen Zhixi angrily criticized Dong Jie in the circle of friends, saying that she did not allow her son to visit Pan Yueming\’s father after he fell ill. She \”looks like a white lotus\” but is actually a \”poisonous mushroom\”. As soon as this incident came out, it immediately made it to the hot search list, but neither Dong Jie nor Pan Yueming responded to this incident. Most netizens are dissatisfied with this matter and feel that Dong Jie should not pass on his grudges with Pan Yueming to his children. After all, the children have no chance to make independent choices. He may lose some life experiences that should belong to him because of the discord between his parents. . There are not a few cases like this where parents\’ discord affects their children. The two most notable characteristics of Mr. Tony Leung Chiu-wai are his actor status and his introverted and reserved character. However, many people may not realize that a person\’s personality and temperament are actually an annotation of his or her original family. Tony Leung\’s father was addicted to gambling and alcohol. He often lost money gambling outside, returned home drunk, and had quarrels with his family. Tony Leung\’s childhood was spent in countless quarrels between his parents. Later, his father He also ran away from home repeatedly, adding another wound that was difficult to heal to this already broken family. As an adult, Tony Leung recalled the past and said that when he was a child, he was most afraid of mentioning his family, even if it was mentioned by others. He was also unwilling to open his heart to others, and could only bear the depression and loneliness brought by family life alone. Huang Guanzhong Huang Guanzhong looks cold and a little ruthless, but his personality is indeed the same. He once warned his father on Weibo: \”If you dare to make my family uncomfortable again, I will kill you.\” The certainty of his words is shocking. Afterwards, many netizens learned that Huang Guanzhong had witnessed his father killing his mother when he was a child, and he himself was often beaten by his father. The fear and hatred in this are difficult for ordinary people to understand. It wasn\’t until a conflict between Huang\’s father and his daughter-in-law Zhu Yin that Huang Guanzhong became furious that he issued such a fierce warning on Weibo. Xu Jinglei Xu Jinglei, a 44-year-old talented woman, once put down her bold words and claimed that she \”has never had a boyfriend since she was 19 years old.\” The reason why she is still unmarried is actually closely related to her childhood experience. When she was a child, she often saw her parents quarreling, so she was afraid of marriage. In addition, her father\’s extremely strict management style towards her may have also increased her resistance to her parents invisibly. Hiding discord will not solve the problem. Families with unhappy marriages will make children miserable. Most people understand this truth, but in fact, conflicts between parents can also affect the physical health of children. British anthropologists Mark Flinn and Barry England once conducted a survey. They measured the levels of certain stress hormones in a group of children. The results were obvious. Children who grew up in discordant families had significantly higher hormone levels than those who grew up in harmonious families. For children who are pregnant, excessive hormones will naturally affect their sleep quality and emotional stability. Only in a very calm and comfortable environment can they recover. This is one of the reasons why many children who had an unfortunate childhood like to be alone. In order to gain physical and spiritual balance, they just want to hide in a quiet space with no one around.within the room. Nowadays, more and more parents are beginning to understand this truth and do not want to inflict their own pain on their children. They are trying to resolve conflicts with tolerance and avoid disputes with a cold war. But is this approach really good for the children? Don’t use forbearance to resolve conflicts. Children are more sensitive than we think. From about 5 months after birth, they gradually learn to judge and respond to their parents\’ emotions at the moment based on changes in their family members\’ facial expressions and voice intonations. Girls, in particular, have a stronger ability to understand emotions. When the family sits at the same table for dinner but no one speaks, or when the mother makes sarcastic remarks in a slightly sarcastic tone, do you really think that the child can\’t see anything? Maybe he doesn\’t know what happened specifically, but his family\’s behavior and atmosphere still make him feel depressed. Family is a miniature world in a child\’s mind. If in this world, he or she sees a mother who can only cry secretly after being wronged or a father who comes home late to make silent accusations, then what they have learned is to escape. Of course, sometimes it leads to the other extreme. In order to avoid repeating the pattern of their original family, children simply magnify all problems and solve them. No matter what the situation is, I\’m afraid it\’s not what the parents want. Don’t use a cold war to avoid disputes. Perhaps the most mainstream method parents choose to avoid quarreling in front of their children is a cold war. Previously on \”Youth Talk\”, a middle school student felt very sad when he faced his parents\’ cold war every day. He made a statistics and found that his parents said no more than 5 sentences a day, and the duration of each speech was no more than 5 seconds, and the content of their speech was also Staying at \”what\’s wrong\” and \”nothing\’s wrong\” are words that are neither nutritious nor emotional. In fact, the insecurity that quarrels bring to children will also be the same as a cold war, or even more profound. After all, sometimes the most hurtful thing is not verbal attacks, but indifference. When you walk in a familiar home but no one looks at you, everyone lives alone tacitly as if they don’t know each other. Isn’t this the greatest denial of emotion? ? The children see that their once-loving parents are now strangers. How can this situation make them trust each other in their future marriage and love? Just like this young man loudly said: Don’t stop the cold war. This makes me so sad. Happy families sometimes make these mistakes. Even in families with a harmonious atmosphere, parents sometimes unintentionally pass on their anger and dissatisfaction to their children. Of course, this impact is certainly not as great as that of a discordant family, but it still needs to be paid attention to. . \”Your dad/your mom is always like this.\” When couples have conflicts but have nowhere to talk, they sometimes say bad things about their spouse to their children. Such bad words often have a strong negative nature, such as \”Your mom is always like this.\” \”You don\’t mean what you say\” or \”Your dad has no skills, don\’t learn from him in the future.\” Not to mention whether this argument is untrue, at least it creates an impression in the children\’s minds that there is no mutual respect between family members. So important. As time goes by, maybe one day the child will imitate his mother\’s tone and scold his father: \”Look, you can\’t do anything well, you\’re not as good as me.\” On the other hand, if a daughter listens to her mother scolding her partner all day long, she will inevitably become a little domineering and arrogant when choosing a mate in the future. If it is a son,Listening to his father scolding his mother every day will make it difficult for him to maintain respect for women in the future. Parents are the source of children’s understanding of gender. Only by respecting each other can children learn to respect others and themselves. When parents join forces with their children to crowd out their partner, sometimes when parents have a dispute, they will pull their children to take sides and say to them: Look at how good dad/mom is, let’s ignore them. More seriously, they might say: Look at who does your laundry every day. Damn, why do you have the nerve to help your father/mother bully me? A sensible child is naturally embarrassed because he doesn\’t want to make anyone sad. In the short term, the impact may not be big, but if it happens too often, the child will feel very tired. He is not the creator of the conflict, but he is forced to choose a side. When Japanese painter Yayoi Kusama was a child, her mother forced her to follow her father to find her cheating partner. If she couldn\’t find her, she was scolded by her mother. This was too cruel for a little girl, and it affected her later mental problems to some extent. When parents consciously create a sense of division in the family, they also increase the child\’s insecurity, because he does not want to lose either parent, nor does he want to participate in the family \”war.\” The resolution of family conflicts cannot be explained in a few words, and the specific circumstances of each family are different. However, if you want to resolve discord, you cannot avoid these two points: the first is to face the problem head-on instead of escaping; the second is to face the problem head-on instead of avoiding it. It is a matter of rational resolution rather than amplifying conflicts or minimizing major problems. There is never a one-size-fits-all solution. Family management requires persistence day after day, and constant summarization of experience and changes in methods.