What should I do if I can’t control myself and yell at my children every day?

As a parent, you will inevitably yell at your children for various reasons. Sometimes it’s yelling, sometimes it’s scolding. There is an old saying in China: \”Hitting is a sign of affection, scolding is a sign of love.\” This has also become an excuse for many parents to rationalize yelling and scolding their children, allowing their anger to be vented on their children, and even saying some mean words. How will a child feel after being scolded? Lorna Reiner, an American parent-child education expert, told a story: During a certain therapy consultation, she asked a 7-year-old boy: \”If you had a magic wand, you could realize a wish and change your father, what would you like to change?\” What is he?\” He replied without hesitation: \”I hope he will stop yelling at me and my mother.\” After hearing his son\’s words, the father, who usually had a straight face, softened his expression, and he immediately Make a commitment to your child and find ways to manage your anger. Prolonged scolding is an unbearable psychological burden for children. When we say \”harsh words\” to our children, on the surface they will remain silent and cooperate with you, but in fact they have already left clear scars in their hearts. Different children react differently after being scolded, and they express their pain in different ways. PART.01 The first reaction after a child is scolded: Turn a deaf ear. Parents who often cannot help scolding their children will have this feeling: their children will not change despite repeated admonitions. They always make mistakes on the same thing over and over again. They still don\’t do their homework after being reminded a hundred times, they still play secretly when they are not allowed to play with mobile phones, and the room is always so messy… No matter how many times they are told, the children don\’t make much progress. A cycle is formed: making mistakes – being scolded – temporarily correcting – and then making mistakes. It is difficult for many families to break this cycle. Parents always need to use a louder voice and say more hurtful words to educate their children. This is one of the disadvantages of scolding a child for a long time: the child\’s brain automatically switches to an escape mechanism, and all his attention is focused on how to escape. When this vicious cycle becomes more and more frequent, children will think that it doesn\’t matter as long as they don\’t get scolded for making mistakes. The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! His silence was just a pretense of cooperation. Only when parents lose their temper will they really get attention. Such children seem to be numb after being scolded. When they face mistakes, they don\’t think about correcting them, but think about how to do it next time so as not to be discovered by their parents. They regard their parents\’ yelling as a normal way of getting along with each other. If they scold a lot, the children will be \”immune\” and naturally become more difficult to discipline. PART.02 The second reaction of children after being scolded: \”retaliating\” with rebellion. The more children scold their parents, the more they will become rebellious. When your children are very young, your harsh words often have an effect, but as they grow older, this effect will gradually disappear. When children enter adolescence, the anger accumulated since childhood will turn into rebellion, and many problem teenagers are slowly developed from this. In \”Children Are Not Stupid\”, a child named Chengcai is in adolescence and has some rebelliousness. He is a fighting king and a \”rotten apple\” in the eyes of adults. His father\’s way of educating him is also very simple – punching and kicking, rough and rough.Wait for what you say. In his father\’s eyes, it seemed that all of Chengcai\’s problems could be corrected through physical abuse and abuse. The son was particularly resistant to his father\’s education methods. After he was dropped out of school, he had nowhere to go. He made friends with some bad boys in the society and learned to smoke and steal. A child who has been scolded by his parents for a long time not only cannot listen to his parents\’ teachings, but also loses confidence in himself. Such children have deep despair in their hearts, and they ultimately choose to give up on themselves. They hope to take revenge on their parents in this way, and making adults \”displeased\” may be the only powerful attack they can do. The more his parents scold him, the more he will do it. Because in the long-term education of parents, what they see is an extremely failed self, unable to do anything well, and not understood and accepted. Lack of love and support is the main reason why children give up on themselves. PART.03 The third reaction of children after being scolded: Thinking that they are as unbearable as their parents yelled at them. In early childhood, children define their own image through the caregivers around them. Regardless of whether adults mean it or not, their evaluations and emotions It will affect the child\’s sense of self. In other words, the image of themselves in children\’s minds is often shaped in their childhood. However, in the process of raising children, adults often evaluate children too casually and negatively. Especially when we yell and scold our children, we always mix in too many negative words, such as \”You are so bad\”, \”You are so bad\”, \”You will never achieve anything\”… This kind of negative voice eventually becomes a This kind of prejudice is a very bad hint for children. Dana Suskind mentioned in \”The Language of Parents: 30 Million Words Shape a More Powerful Learning Brain\”: Human intelligence or psychology is the result of the interaction between genetics and environment. The early language environment has a profound impact on children. Have an important impact on intellectual development. The language environment is not just related to the input of vocabulary. The use of affirmative language and negative language will also widen the gap in children\’s intellectual development. \”You\’re right,\” \”You\’re good,\” and \”Well done!\” Correctly using these words of affirmation will help children believe that they can accomplish anything as long as they work hard. If the child is overwhelmed by negative suggestions all day long, he will believe that he is a \”bad boy\” or \”stupid boy\” as his parents say, and he will repeat those bad behaviors. After all, his understanding of himself determines his behavior. People often say: \”The more children are scolded, the stupider they become.\” This is the truth. No matter how much his parents actually loved him, it was difficult for him to overcome the mountain of prejudice. Parents use words to define their children every day, and the children gradually become what their parents describe. The pain they suffer will continue to deepen as they grow up, and eventually they will become more and more inferior. PART.04 The fourth reaction of children after being scolded: They will become more clingy to you and feel insecure. This is the most common reaction of children after being scolded. I remember there was news a long time ago that a 2 or 3-year-old child was abused by his mother. When the police arrived, the child was already dying, but he was still chanting: \”Mom hugs, mom hugs.\” In public places, there are From time to time, I also encounter those children who chase after their parents in tears after being scolded by their parents.The pity look is really heartbreaking. People say that parents all over the world love their children unconditionally. In fact, children also love their parents unconditionally. It can even be said that the love parents have for their children is far less pure than the love children have for their parents. When children are disobedient, not excellent, not smart, and uncooperative, we will show rejection, disappointment, and disgust. In the morning, you are still kissing the child\’s cheek and saying: Mommy loves you the most, but in the evening, you may make yourself angry because of the child, withdraw your love, and let him go away. But children are different. In this world, no matter how cruel you are or how much you scold you, the only ones who can hug you and cling to you without thinking are children. They never seem to hold grudges. After experiencing yelling and scolding, they will be scared, frightened, and worried that you will no longer love them, and they will immediately become good and even try to please you. This reaction is a manifestation of insecurity. Because I can\’t stand the indifference you show, I choose to take the initiative to show kindness. He will never stop loving you no matter what, but the shadow of not being loved always follows him. Their active embrace is essentially caused by fear. PART.05 After reading this, some friends will say: \”Yelling and scolding have so many negative effects, so why can\’t we still scold our children when they make mistakes?\” Before answering this question, parents please reflect on one question first, that is: When When we adults make mistakes, how do we want others to treat our mistakes? A young friend took the driving license test some time ago. He was probably nervous and made many mistakes during practice at the driving school. It just so happens that her coach is also a loud-mouthed and grumpy person: put it in neutral! Put it in neutral! How many times do you have to say it? When you come out to learn to drive, do you bring your brains with you? The more aggressive the instructor was, the more nervous she became. One day when she came out of the driving school, she couldn\’t help crying. She said with a bitter look on her face: \”I finally understand how children feel when they are tutoring homework.\” As an adult, it is important to make mistakes. The last thing you want is to hear too many unpleasant criticisms from others. Instead, we give ourselves a pep talk, and we crave understanding and compassion from others. The same is true for treating children\’s mistakes. The more negative, annoyed, frustrated, and extreme our reaction is, the easier it is to push the child into an isolated and helpless situation. Therefore, in the face of many inappropriate behaviors of children, parents must first learn to manage angry voices. As Lorna Reiner says: \”It takes more time and effort to repair a relationship that has been damaged by angry words and name-calling than it does to give yourself some time to calm down.\” Second, learn to tolerate your children. When children make mistakes, sometimes they just make the wrong choice at the wrong time. Their nature is not bad, and they can even be said to be good children with positive motivations. Our real \”enemy\” is not the child, but the nature of the child. question. Parents can realize this and be compassionate when correcting their children\’s behavior. You will not attack his personality and quality and blame the person more than the person. Family education sometimes falls into a dilemma: when tutoring a child on homework, the louder it is, the more mistakes he makes; the child is dawdling in doing things, and the more you push him, the more he procrastinates; the more the child is scolded, the more stupid he becomes, and the more stupid he is, the more he is scolded… The child\’s lack of change actually reminds you to reflect on and change the way you speak. The next time a child commitsIf he makes a mistake or gets into trouble, stop scolding him loudly. Squat down, hug him, and face the problem head-on with him. You may get unexpected surprises.