What should I do if my child can’t withstand setbacks?

Parents often complain to me that their children cry when they encounter problems when doing homework; some children let their parents do it while they wait for the answer. So, what should parents do when their children encounter difficulties in learning and cannot solve them independently? Recently, our laboratory conducted a related study to answer this question. Participants in the experiment were all families with children aged 3 to 6 years old. Children are required to spell out designated patterns within two minutes, and can win their favorite prizes if they complete the task. We asked the mothers who participated in the experiment to let their children complete it by themselves as much as possible, and when designing the task, we deliberately chose a task difficulty that was beyond the child\’s ability. After the task begins, some mothers put it together by themselves as soon as it starts; some mothers will break down the task requirements and tell their children the steps and methods to observe the puzzle. During the puzzle process, some mothers will intervene in advance to prevent their children from making mistakes, and even secretly move the puzzle when the child makes a mistake or push his hand away to put it together themselves; some mothers will encourage their children to try and tell them that it is okay if they are wrong. When their children fail in a challenge, some mothers lament: \”The task is not difficult, why didn\’t you spell it out?\” Some mothers will comfort their children: \”It doesn\’t matter, let\’s go back and practice more together, and we can do it well next time.\” We divided the different coping behaviors mentioned above into two types, namely autonomy-supportive mothers and non-autonomy-supportive mothers. The so-called autonomy support means that parents provide support for their children to solve problems independently through behavior or language. Mothers who are independent and supportive have the following characteristics: a full set of warm, supportive and positive responses. Mothers who support autonomy can keenly detect their children\’s emotions when they are frustrated, and provide emotional support, comforting the children with words or actions, such as gently hugging the children and saying to them: \”Mom, I believe you, it\’s okay!\” When the child seeks When helping, you can guide him to discover the pattern of the problem and provide different levels of guidance to the child. Moderate autonomy and allow for trial and error. There will inevitably be mud on the road of life, and children grow up by making mistakes again and again. When children encounter difficulties, mothers who are independent and supportive will encourage their children to explore and think on their own, encourage their children to learn from failures, and promote their growth. The principles are clear and consistent. An autonomy-supportive mother has certain principles. For example, when a child encounters difficulties and wants to give up or terminate a task, she will encourage the child to \”come on, we still have time, let\’s try again\” instead of threatening the child to complete it as soon as possible or letting the child do so. give up. Autonomy-supportive parents pay attention to their children\’s emotional experiences, provide their children with emotional support, and allow them to try and solve problems independently as much as possible. They will also provide necessary reminders and guidance through behavior or language based on the child\’s temperament characteristics and abilities when it is difficult for the child to solve problems independently. Children who grow up in this way will have a high degree of self-discipline, strong self-confidence and problem-solving abilities. Parents who are non-autonomous supportive pay more attention to the completion of tasks and sometimes engage in do-it-yourself behavior. Expressing emotions such as anger or disappointment toward your child even when they need emotional support adds insult to injury. Children who grow up in this way will have low self-esteem and become dependent on their parents.to adapt to social life. Whether in daily life or study, children will inevitably encounter various difficulties and need the support and help of their parents. If parents provide substitution or neglect, in the long run, it will be difficult for children to gain the psychological experience of dealing with setbacks, and they will develop fear and dependence when encountering difficulties, leading to learning disabilities. Autonomy support emphasizes that parents do not solve problems for their children, but gradually help their children develop independent habits and improve their own problem-solving abilities through behavioral, language guidance and emotional support. The difference between parent-child relationship and other interpersonal relationships is that we cannot protect our children all the time, but we should gradually let go and let our children fly freely!