What should I do if my child doesn’t work hard?

An educator once said: \”The most difficult thing in education is to make children become a person who voluntarily and eagerly pursues knowledge.\” This simple sentence expresses the essence of education. But it took me 14 years to truly understand the truth of this sentence. I used to only know how to force my children to study hard and get into a good school. It wasn\’t until my son reached adolescence and was diagnosed with depression that I realized that the so-called depression and hollow disease in adolescence are actually children who are sick for their parents in many cases. Why do you say that? Douban’s high-scoring book list recommendations make children fall in love with reading, which is better than 100 garbage cartoons. You can find the answer from my story. Since I graduated from a junior college, I have always felt inferior to my academic qualifications. Because, after working for more than ten years, I know the importance of diplomas very well. My high school classmate successfully entered a key university that year and now has an annual salary of 300,000. As for me, my level of hard work may not be any less than hers, but I only get about 100,000 yuan a year. Not to mention those invisible benefits, social status, etc. In real society, the separation begins from the college entrance examination. Too many cases around me also made me realize that studying hard is too important for ordinary children. Therefore, since my son went to school, I have been a strict \”tiger mother\”, forcing my son to attend various tutoring classes, learn piano, and learn hosting… Even if my son hates it and even if I spend most of the family income, I will All kinds of threats and inducements were used to prevent his son from giving up. Elementary school was fine. Although my son was crying and didn\’t want to study, his arms couldn\’t twist his thighs. In the end, I had the final say. But starting from junior high school, my son became rebellious and his confrontation with me became more and more intense. I felt that my son was too ignorant and blamed him: \”I don\’t want to give up food and clothing, and I save all the money to train you. Why don\’t you study hard?\” My son felt that I was too controlling: \”You only know how to force me to study, and I It’s not a learning machine! I just don’t want to learn! You only get into junior college, and you still want me to get into college? If you have the ability, you can do it yourself?!” What my son said was like a knife, completely negating all my efforts over the years. , I was so angry that I beat and scolded my son and broke the clothes hanger. During that time, my son would hold his neck and quarrel with me. When pushed hard, he would get angry and smash things crazily. The house was like a battlefield filled with smoke, and there was no longer the warmth of the past. Looking at my son\’s eyes full of hatred, I refused to give in at all: I would rather let you hate me now than I would force you to do it. Unexpectedly, my strength did not lead to my son’s compromise, but instead I received a diagnosis: My son was depressed! I know how scary adolescent depression is! Over the years, I have seen too many children choose to commit suicide due to depression. I never expected that my son would also reach this point. The week I received the diagnosis result, I was stunned. I don’t dare to force my son to study anymore, and I don’t dare to scold him. I just care about his diet and daily life, but my son is full of hostility towards my concern. No matter how hard you accept it, you have to face the consequences. I began to reflect and vaguely realized that it was my education method that caused my son to be like this, but what should I do? During that dark and painful time, I was in pain every day.It\’s helpless. I had to take the initiative to read books, videos and lectures related to teenage depression, but I still didn’t understand much about it. Fortunately, I have a friend whose sister teaches psychology at Beijing Normal University and knows a lot about family education, so I shamelessly asked my friend to get her WeChat account. I asked the teacher a question I had been confused about for a long time: \”I don\’t understand. I just want the best for my child so that he can accumulate capital and live a good life in the future. Why can\’t my child understand me and become depressed?\” The teacher told me that not only depression, but also many common problems among adolescent children, such as being tired of studying, being rebellious, dropping out of school, etc., are all caused by parents and wrong family education. If you think carefully about the families with \”problem children\”, you can probably follow the clues and find the root cause of the problem. What parents see is the child\’s problematic behavior; what they don\’t see is that the child has endured a lot and finally collapsed after being unbearable. \”Many parents can\’t believe it when they hear that their children are diagnosed with depression. In fact, adolescence is the stage where depression is prone to occur!\” The main reasons are as follows: First, at this stage, children have higher academic performance Pressure and boring life between two points and one line. The learning atmosphere at school is highly stressful, and when I get home, my parents lecture me, I have endless homework and classes, and I feel exhausted every day, with little time for entertainment and relaxation. The second is that self-awareness increases and one becomes sensitive and suspicious. Adolescence is the stage of developing self-awareness. Children in this period are highly concerned about their own image in the minds of others. They are prone to impulsivity, low self-esteem and other mental states when facing interpersonal interactions, and suffer from large mood swings. Third, there is a lack of channels for emotional catharsis. Adolescent children are restless and have low tolerance for frustration, and their relationship with their parents is not as harmonious as when they were young. However, they have to face a high-pressure life and parents\’ incomprehension, and more and more negative emotions accumulate. The above factors prevent these teenage children from seeing the meaning of life. Not knowing what they are doing, such a directionless and meaningless life makes children\’s hearts feel empty. This is a very typical \”teenage hollow disease\”! \”For the sake of their children\’s good, parents constantly push their children to study hard and put extra pressure on their children. Coupled with unscientific family education methods, such as scolding, forceful forcing, and scolding, the accumulated pressure will become the last thing that breaks the camel\’s back. A straw, which eventually led to the child being overwhelmed.\” After listening to the teacher\’s analysis, the scenes of getting along with my son in the past flashed through my mind like a movie: I remembered that he begged me not to go to piano lessons, but he was ignored by me. He yelled to stop; I thought of him crying and accusing me of being overbearing and authoritarian, but I took it for granted; this was just a part of the episode, and there were so many persecutions day and night, all of which made my son depressed and cold. It turned out that it was me who was at fault, but my son fell ill on my behalf. Thinking of those children who are depressed, I am shrouded in deep fear. What should I do to reverse all this and help the children get out of depression? The teacher told me that if you stand bravely next to your child, face it together, listen, understand, accept, and become his strong support, your relationship and life will become completely different. \”Adolescent children,He has the thriving vitality of a small animal in him. As long as he is given a little sunshine, he can find his own direction and continue to grow. ” Based on my son’s actual situation, the teacher gave me three suggestions: 1. Observe and feel the child’s inner feelings, and be a good “alarm siren” around the child. Observe carefully, capture the child\’s psychological changes, and truly \”see\” the child. Many parents do not take it seriously when their children begin to experience depression, or even take the initiative to tell them \”I may have depression.\” They think that it is just an ordinary adolescent rebelliousness, and that the child is \”acting\” for adults to see. They don\’t pay attention to their children\’s cries again and again, because parents don\’t really \”see\” their children attentively and regard their children as the objects of their orders. For adolescent children, threats, scares, nagging, and tantrums are not only useless, but counterproductive. Looking back, the reason why the conflict between me and my son intensified was not only because I forced him to study, but also because of my discipline and threats to him. When he didn\’t listen to me and wanted to do what he wanted, I still used the automated model to educate him. They didn\’t \”see\” his repeated cries and just used their parents\’ power to force him. When the alarm finally rang, it was already too late. 2. See the child, affirm the child, and help the child find his or her self-worth. As adolescent children begin to awaken their self-awareness, it is normal to try to break through constraints and discipline. Even making mistakes is the price to pay for growth. Therefore, parents should respect their children’s sense of independence and avoid command-style “education”. After children encounter difficulties, problems and setbacks, they need analysis and guidance from their parents, and this analysis and guidance should be in the form of friends. Secondly, we must patiently and persistently support the child in doing what he likes. Get close to the child, understand the child, discover his strengths, and sincerely praise the child. If in the eyes of children, parents only focus on their own academic performance, are never satisfied, and always give orders from above, the communication between parents and children will be cut off. If things go on like this, serious consequences such as depression, rebellion, and depression will occur. 3. Treat adolescent depression correctly and don’t hide the disease and avoid medical treatment. Depression is a disease. Don’t mistakenly think that it can be cured by just dealing with it, just like a cold. In addition to adjusting their own mentality and education model, parents should also take their children to actively seek medical treatment and strictly follow the doctor\’s instructions for treatment. With this two-pronged approach, one day the clouds will clear and the sun will finally shine through. On the contrary, if parents regard their child\’s depression as a shame, deny their child\’s symptoms, and refuse to be honest about their child\’s current situation in front of relatives and friends, the child can completely feel the disgust without saying it. At this time, the child feels the pain of not being accepted by his parents. How can a child who is \”disliked\” by his parents not despair? Where does he get the energy to get out of the haze and become better? Compared with the future of their children, the face of parents is really insignificant. Three feet of ice does not freeze in one day. It is not easy to re-establish a good parent-child relationship and gain the son\’s trust. In the process of understanding, I became more and more aware of how much harm my wrong ways had brought to my son. One passage was deeply imprinted in my mind: Qing QingThe pain of adolescent children comes from various words and deeds of classmates and teachers, but ultimately it is directed at their parents – their depression, self-mutilation, etc. are ultimately just to win back their parents\’ attention and love. I changed my original communication mode and gave my son complete trust and acceptance, as well as enough time. I no longer care about grades or studies. I just hope that the sun will shine into my son\’s heart as soon as possible. I respected his opinion and stopped all the interest classes I didn’t want to take. What surprised me was that my son took the initiative to keep one of them: \”Although I don\’t really want to learn it, taking this class has helped me a lot. I\’d better keep it if I think rationally.\” It can be seen that children can communicate, and they could not before. It is actually me who communicates. And when I truly reflected on myself and stopped being so eager for quick success, urging, preaching, and blaming, my son gradually allowed me to see his changes: from being irritable and \”I don\’t want to say anything anymore\” after saying a few words at the beginning, to You can have a peaceful conversation with me about your next study plan, and everything will naturally develop in a good direction. When I took my son for a follow-up visit a few months later, the doctor told me that my son’s depression had improved a lot and that he could stop taking the medication. My son also said to me: Recommend a good British drama Sherlock Season 3 for download in ultra-clear 1080P [Cockney accent learning quality] \”Mom, I feel like I can no longer control my emotions like before. Don\’t worry. !\” At that moment, the huge stone in my heart finally fell to the ground. When I walked out of the hospital and looked at the blue sky and white clouds, I felt a sense of relaxation that I had not seen for a long time. After walking through that long dark tunnel, I want to say to parents: Don’t regard your child’s adolescence as a scourge. When you face up to the various emotions of your child’s adolescence and adjust your education methods based on the child’s state, you will Discover a turning point in the parent-child relationship. Behind those children who are depressed in adolescence, there is often a parent who is standing still and refusing to grow. No matter what age a child is, it is crucial for parents to maintain self-awareness and growth.