What should I do if my child is dawdling in doing things? Because you always urge me

If we were to make a ranking list and vote for the educational issues that trouble parents the most, I would guess that \”children are too lazy\” would probably make the top ten. Dilly-dallying seems to be a chronic disease, sweeping across all age groups from four or five years old to adolescence. Many parents are troubled by this and have no solution. I have a lot to say about this matter, and I might not be able to stop writing 10,000 words, because I used to have a headache about this for a long time, until I started to learn and try to make changes. From having nothing to do to gradually getting better, I have gained a lot of experience along the way. The pattern of \”drying and urging\” used to play out every day in our house: urging us to get up in the morning, urging us to write homework after school, and urging us to go to bed at night. Three shows a day, played in a loop every day. Take for example getting up in the morning. Every morning, after waking up Orange, I quickly prepare breakfast. Often after I have been busy for a long time, I will come into the room and see that my clothes are only half-dressed, and the person is still sitting on the bed in a daze, wandering around! \”Hurry up, hurry up.\” The first time he urged me, it was still gentle and gentle. I finally got out of bed, turned around and saw the cat, and went to play with the cat again. \”Hurry up and brush your teeth and wash your face! Look what time it is? There\’s still time to play with the cat!\” Finally, after washing up, breakfast was served on the table. Eating every morning is a big job, and you have to spend a long time eating. Seeing that it was almost time for school, the child had only eaten half of it and was urging him again. From getting up to going out, children only need to do a few things in total, which can be counted on one hand, but they need constant reminders and instructions from me: Have you folded the quilt? No. ——Urge. Have you packed your schoolbag? No. ——Urge. Have you shoveled cat litter? No. ——Urge. …Every time I was urged, my anger would rise a little higher. In the end, I would often end this \”urge, urge, urge\” symphony with a roar. This morning, the adults were irritated and the children were depressed. However, the next day, history repeated itself again… I really realized that urging could not solve the problem. One night, I urged Chengzi to go to bed as usual. After urging for the second time, Cheng Zi was still playing on the sofa, saying yes without moving his body. At this time, a thought suddenly came out: What time should I go to bed? He had said it so many times, and for such a big child, he actually knew it. If I continue to urge like this, the final result will be that Chengzi will only judge whether he should go to bed based on the number of times I urge and the degree of anger, rather than him actually realizing that it is time to go to bed. In short, he did not generate an internal rhythm of when to do something, and would only rely on the behavior of others as a standard of judgment. My constant urging, day after day, from morning to night, will eventually make him lose control of himself. We can\’t push it like this any longer. The first thing I did was to control my mouth and control myself from urging or nagging. One night, I deliberately restrained myself from urging Cheng Zi to go to bed. I want to see what will happen if I don\’t push it. That night, I endured and endured, and several times I swallowed the words that came to my lips. The final result was that, according to Chengzi\’s own rhythm, he was only ten minutes later than his usual bedtime. The difference between urging or not urging is only ten minutes. I urge over and over again. How meaningful is it in the end? I kept urging myself to give birthA sense of meaninglessness arose. What\’s more, when we urge, we actually don\’t believe that the child has the ability to control himself, and we don\’t believe that he can take care of himself – we keep urging him to do this, and if we don\’t urge him, he might be dragging his feet! However, if you push too much, the child will become immune to the push. By then, the usual prodding didn\’t work anymore. Slowly, the urging adults and the dilly-dallying children formed a tacit understanding unconsciously: don\’t urge – don\’t move; push slightly – move a little; shout and urge – then move. Therefore, the first step that needs to be changed is to stop urging and nagging, and give the little bud of self-control some time to slowly break ground and grow up. This waiting process actually tests your patience. Maybe the child is used to being pushed, and if no one cares about it all of a sudden, there will be a rebound, and the dilly-dallying will be more serious, which is normal and requires more patience and guidance from us. The second thing is to clarify the boundaries between parents and children, identify whose business it is to bother, let the child make his own decisions, and cultivate his sense of autonomy. Every time I can’t help but want to push my children, I remind myself: Is the things I push my children to do my business or the children’s? If it\’s a child\’s matter and he\’s not anxious, why should I be more anxious than him? When I think about it, my mentality relaxes a lot. To judge whose business it is, is to look at who will bear the consequences of the matter – whoever bears the consequences is his business. Obviously, getting up, doing homework, and going to bed are all the children\’s own business. However, after urging and urging, the parents become more anxious than the children, and it seems that it has become the parents\’ business. Taking things that should be the responsibility of the children themselves into one\’s own hands is actually a sign of unclear boundaries. Many educational problems stem from unclear boundaries. When the parent crosses the boundary, the child naturally retreats, and eventually the parent dominates the child. The child loses his or her ability to act autonomously and becomes accustomed to acting in accordance with instructions despite constant urging. On the way home from school after picking up Cheng Zi, it was our chat time. After I started making changes, I added one more thing. I will ask him if he has a lot of homework, how long he plans to finish it, and what he plans to do when he gets home tonight, and let him arrange his own time for the evening. Such a conversation will allow him to consciously make a rough arrangement for the allocation of time in the evening – planned or unplanned, arranged by parents and arranged by himself. The feelings of the two are different, and the child\’s initiative is also different. the same. When talking about such topics, I will pay attention to maintaining a relaxed and free atmosphere. Just like talking about other interesting topics, Orange will not feel pressure from me. If you say it in a requesting and commanding tone, the effect may be exactly the opposite. The third thing is to use behavior to guide behavior. Practice has proven that criticism and education, like urging, have very limited effects. What is really effective is that parents use actions to guide their children and let them experience the different results of dawdling and not dawdling in specific matters. Regarding Cheng Zi’s problem of dawdling in the morning, Cheng Zi’s father and I tried many methods. After constant exploration and improvement, the current approach is as follows: suggest a time when it is more appropriate for him to go out, and we clean up before then and wait for him in the living room without urging or shouting. When does he finish cleaning up?Go out later. Will you be late for school? Maybe will. Then he can only accept the consequences of being late. If I go out late, I will not criticize or get angry. I will say something to him on the way: Look, if we go out ten minutes late, we will be stuck in the road for a long time. Otherwise, we will be late. Let\’s try to come out ten minutes early tomorrow, so you can get to school early and play for a while. After doing this a few times, the child will gradually know when to go out. Sometimes, you might as well be cruel and let your children bear the consequences of dilly-dallying. The original intention of us urging our children is to help them avoid the consequences of dawdling: being late for school, failing to complete homework, being criticized by the teacher… Under our urging, the child completes everything, and he does not realize the taste of bearing the consequences. On the surface, we help children, but in fact, we deprive them of the right to be responsible for their own actions. Just let him be late once or twice and be criticized by the teacher twice, and he will know that he is anxious. If you stumble, you will pay attention to the road next time. My parents always take me around the potholes, but I never learn to see the road on my own – my parents are there to guide me anyway. It took me several months from realizing these things to doing them. Change happens bit by bit, unconsciously. Every time I see a small improvement in Orange, I will respond positively in time to strengthen his behavior. Now, mornings at my house usually look like this: After getting up, Orange will complete a series of prescribed actions by himself: dressing, folding quilts, shoveling cat litter, and washing. Eat slowly, and sometimes remind him that he will be leaving in a few minutes. The school bag will be packed the night before and checked again to see if there is anything left behind. We\’ve packed it up and will be waiting for him. Occasionally, he would move faster than us and would rush us with a little complacency. Sometimes he would be a little dilly-dally, and sometimes he would be in a daze for a while, which is normal in my eyes. At most, I would remind him to pay attention to the time. Now that I think about it, it\’s been a long time since I lost my temper with him because of my indolence. From the beginning I controlled my temper and now feel that there is nothing worth losing my temper about. While growing up with Chengzi, I myself have also improved. If you want your children to stop dawdling, you must first change yourself and use your words and deeds to guide and influence your children. Speaking of which, this is much harder than urging, reprimanding, or getting angry. It requires adults to be aware of themselves, have empathy for their children, and have enough patience – are you willing to make such a change?