What should I do if my child loses his temper? The first thing you say is the most important

Yesterday, I went out with my friend and my children to play. During the meal, her 4-year-old son Lelefei had to build blocks on the dining table. Within a few minutes, the blocks fell down. Seeing the bridge collapse, Lele pushed it with both hands, burst into tears, and lost her temper and threw the blocks on the table to the ground. In the end, my friend also got angry: \”You did something wrong, and you lost your temper?\” Then he spanked Lele twice. Okay, Lele is crying more thoroughly now. \”Child tantrums\” should be a problem that has troubled many parents: when you reason with your child, he won\’t listen at all; if you ignore him and treat him coldly, the child will cry even more sadly; when you compromise with your child, you are afraid of being arrogant and pampering your child. He doesn\’t realize his mistake. In fact, don\’t worry too much. It\’s a good thing for children to lose their temper. The key lies in how parents handle it. Losing a temper is harmless in itself. It is only stopping the tantrum that causes problems. On a certain parenting program, a child suddenly lost his temper while eating. He threw the pillow on the floor and stomped on it, then hid behind the door and cried loudly. No one tried to persuade him. . The mother pulled the child to the edge of the sofa, and the first thing she said to the child was to label her: \”You can\’t be unreasonable.\” After hearing this, the child cried even louder, calling \”Grandma\” while crying. , \”grandma\”, \”I want grandma\”. Immediately after the father\’s first words, he was also trying to reason: \”You can eat when you need to eat, and you can play when you need to play, okay?\” The child refused without hesitation: \”I don\’t want it!\” Finally, the father lost patience and threatened to use Hitting someone with a ruler made the child temporarily stop crying. However, simply and crudely using threats to suppress temper may seem to solve the problem on the surface, but it actually creates trouble for the child\’s future behavior. Brain science research shows that the human rational brain lags behind the development of the emotional brain. Children under the age of 6 are more likely to fall into emotional kidnapping and be unable to escape. Before a child\’s emotions are properly dealt with, he will not be able to think rationally. Dr. Deborah McNamara, a child psychologist, believes: \”Let the child finish the tantrum, rather than trying to prevent the child from having a tantrum.\” The tantrum itself is harmless, but preventing the tantrum is problematic. Rather than reasoning with others and forcibly suppressing them, the most important thing is to face emotions with your children and accept them first. When a child loses his temper, it is because the brain is developing. A child\’s tantrum may seem like a headache, but it is actually a manifestation of the child\’s gradual physical and psychological development. The famous child psychologist Piaget believed that children aged 2-5 are in the \”egocentric stage\” of moral development. In children at this stage, a sense of independence begins to sprout. They will have their own ideas and needs, but their abilities are temporarily unable to keep up. When their wishes cannot be realized, they will feel psychologically frustrated and powerless. The mismatch between desires and actual abilities makes them more likely to lose their temper. In children at this stage, the development of their rational brain lags behind that of their emotional brain. Children cannot express many feelings in words, so they will express them by losing their temper. Scientists once conducted an experiment: there were two piles of cards, each pile containing winning cards and punishment cards. Let people with emotional brain damage and normal people draw randomly, and then guess which pile of cards has a greater probability of drawing a winning medal. The results show: People with emotional brain damage have a lower probability of guessing correctly than normal people. This research shows that human beings make rational decisions that require the simultaneous participation of the emotional and rational brains, rather than \”without emotions, you will be more rational.\” When a child loses his temper, the area of ​​the brain that controls emotions and the area that controls intelligence are strongly connected, and the emotional brain and rational brain are involved in work at the same time. At this time, it is the best time to promote the development of the child\’s brain. The key thing for parents to do is to promote the connection between the rational brain and the emotional brain and strengthen the work of the rational brain. \”I know…\” is the first sentence to ease a child\’s tantrum. So, how to promote the connection between the rational brain and the emotional brain? Cognitive therapy proposed by American psychologist Ellis is widely used in family education. Many people liken it to giving children a \”soul massage.\” The first step in spiritual massage is understanding and acceptance. When faced with a child losing his temper, instead of saying to him, \”You shouldn\’t lose your temper,\” \”Stop making a fuss,\” \”Stop crying,\” \”It\’s your fault,\” you might as well say, \”I know you\’re sad,\” \”Are you very angry?\” If it were me, I would be as sad as you.\” This sentence works. Guide children to describe their emotions. For example, we can ask Lele: \”Are you sad now? If mom\’s building blocks collapsed, she would feel as sad as you.\” First help the children confirm their emotions and use empathy Show acceptance and understanding of the child. American psychologist James said: \”The most essential need of human beings is the desire to be affirmed.\” The same sentence \”I know\” can bring the child\’s subconscious to the surface. After realizing his emotions, the rational brain begins to slow down. Slow recovery to work. When the child\’s rational brain begins to think, his anger is reduced by half. At this time, the rational brain and the emotional brain begin to connect. The process of guiding children to analyze the reasons, guiding children to analyze emotions, and telling the reasons for losing their temper is to help children further strengthen the use of their rational brain. At this time, the emotional ABC theory in behavioral therapy can be used to guide the child to reasonably explain his tantrum behavior. The ABC theory of emotions holds that it may seem that event A triggers emotions and behavioral consequences C, but in fact, it is people\’s misunderstanding and interpretation of event A that leads to the generation of emotion C. If we can reasonably explain B, we can produce different behavioral and emotional consequences. For example, Lele lost her temper because the building blocks collapsed. We can guide children to analyze their emotions: \”Are you feeling sad because all the building blocks have collapsed? Or is it because you feel you are incapable of building it well and feel discouraged?\” \”However, mom saw that you built it 4 stories high, I think you have done a good job.\” Guide the child to reflect on his behavior. Finally, guide the child to reflect on whether the child\’s behavior of venting emotions can really solve the problem. For example, you can ask Lele: \”If you lose your temper and push all the blocks to the ground, can you continue to build blocks? Next time you build blocks on the ground, will you stop them from falling to the ground and unable to pick them up?\” It\’s okay. Tell your children that it is acceptable to vent your emotions as long as you don\’t hurt others, yourself, or destroy things. For example, you can play \”beating sandbags\”\”\” game to vent your emotions on the sandbags; you can play a dancing game and twist your body to the music; or play the \”Eat You\” game, treat some snacks as unhappy bad emotions, and then eat them in your stomach… Only patient parents can educate patient children. The calm attitude of parents is the seed of hope for children. When your child loses his temper, your first words are very important: a sentence of \”I know\” is better than a sincere explanation; \”I can do it too\” is better than simple and rude suppression; a \”I understand you\” is better than a thousand words of comfort. Every time a child loses his temper, it is actually a good opportunity for him to learn and grow. I hope our children will all The strongest power to grow can be gained from the acceptance and understanding of parents.