What should I do if my children are becoming more and more difficult to discipline now?

Summer vacation is in full swing, and many parents are getting hot-tempered. No, not long ago in Shenzhen, a father smashed the TV in a rage because his 10-year-old son was addicted to watching TV during the holidays and did not study hard. During the interview, he reluctantly said that he had told his son many times, but his son still went his own way and didn\’t take his parents\’ words seriously at all. So on impulse, his behavior got out of control. Although this father\’s approach is not advisable, as a parent, he can understand the feeling of hating that iron cannot be transformed into steel. During the summer vacation, parent-child conflicts broke out in many families. The main reason was that the mythical beast that came out of the cage was really disobedient! When we ask him to do his homework, he insists on looking at his mobile phone; when we ask him to check for omissions and fill in the vacancies, he prefers to play with things… This kid who always confronts adults will make us angry to death every minute! I can\’t help but want to torture my soul – how should we communicate so that children are willing to listen and cooperate? Why do children become more disobedient as they get older? I believe many parents have a feeling that as their children grow older, they seem to become more and more difficult to manage. How obedient and obedient she was once, now she is so willful and perverse. Why did this baby become like this? In fact, one of the main reasons for this is that when children grow up, they are eager to fight for more self-rights and space by fighting against their parents. In a variety show, the well-known cross talk actor Yu Qian once revealed that after his son entered adolescence at the age of 12, he became particularly rebellious. He cherished his words like gold and would fight fiercely against his parents if they tried to control him a little. Yu Qian lamented that children of this age should not be messed with because he wants to destroy everything to establish his own personality. That rebellious child is like a little thorny monster. Not only does he turn a deaf ear to what adults say, but he also sometimes has no control over what he says and even gets angry earlier than his parents… Such a \”naughty child\” is really a headache. But in fact, behind their outrageous words and deeds, there must be unmet needs hidden. The iceberg theory in psychology points out that a person\’s \”self\” is like an iceberg, and only a very small part of it is exposed on the surface. But the real highlights, including expectations, desires, motivations, etc., are hidden below the surface of the sea and cannot be seen by others. It is these needs that lead to rebellion in children. But in many cases, children will not say it, but will show it through a series of arrogant actions. The book \”Rebellion Is Not the Child\’s Fault\” writes: \”As parents, we always focus on the external behavior of our children, which leads us to ignore the inner psychology of our children. It is very important to break the family pattern of difficult situations. In other words, understanding is one of the most effective methods; understanding is especially effective in preventing rebellious children’s rebellious behavior.” It can be seen that the magic weapon to “deal with” children’s rebellion is to see and meet their needs; this needs to be based on on the basis of full understanding. The prerequisite for understanding is effective communication. However, there are too many times when children seem unwilling to communicate with us. Every time they chatted, they cherished words like gold. They would get annoyed if they disagreed with each other, and would slam the door behind them if they spoke again. What is that child with a closed heart thinking? we don\’t know. Blocked communication is driving millions of parents further and further away from their children. What are children thinking when they refuse to communicate? In fact, every child has inherent trust and dependence on their parents. They were once chatty, eager to talk, and liked to share their joys, sorrows, and joys with adults. So, what is the reason why children become more resistant to communicating with their parents as they get older? Perhaps, their mental journey is as follows – \”Adults are so boring. No matter what you say to them, there will always be only preaching and criticism.\” There is a hot topic on Zhihu – \”What causes children to be unhappy while growing up?\” Are you willing to communicate with parents again?\” One of the highly praised answers mentioned this little thing: When I was a child, I had no pocket money, so I would save a few cents from breakfast every day. After saving for a long time, I bought a book I like. Beautiful notebook, and then shared it with my mother: \”Do you think my new notebook looks good?\” My mother\’s first sentence: \”Where did you get the money?\” The second sentence: \”You have a lot of money and no place to spend it, right?\” \”After a few more situations like this, I will no longer share any of this joy with my mother. The compliments I imagined didn\’t come, but instead I was greeted with accusations and doubts. With such a gap, how can we not let our children be disappointed and hurt? Over time, they will naturally drag their parents into the blacklist of communication. \”In the eyes of parents, nothing else is important. They only value learning.\” There is such a scene in the TV series \”Pi\”. Daughter Lin Miaomiao came home for the first time in the new semester, and she was excited to share interesting stories about school with her parents. However, when she mentioned that she was admitted as an announcer at the school radio station, her mother Wang Shengnan, played by Yan Ni, interrupted her dissatisfiedly: \”Why do you always do things that are not your job? You should focus on studying!\” Lin Miaomiao, who lost her interest, couldn\’t help but mutter: \”Can you please stop interfering in my affairs?\” Unexpectedly, this made Wang Shengnan completely explode, and the mother and daughter eventually broke up. Previously, some organizations conducted a questionnaire survey on parent-child chat among primary and secondary school students. The results show: “The primary topic of communication between parents and children is learning, with a proportion as high as 67.86%, and this is also one of the topics that children are most disgusted with.” Chatting at different frequencies is like talking between chickens and ducks. There were only a few words without speculation, and in the end, there was destined to be only silence between parents and children. \”It\’s really annoying for adults to nag me all day long.\” There is a concept in psychology called the \”over-limit effect\”, which refers to \”too much stimulation, too strong, or acting for too long, causing extreme psychological discomfort.\” The psychological phenomenon of being impatient or rebellious.” The same is true when it comes to parent-child communication. Parents\’ chattering will produce an \”over-limit effect\” in children\’s hearts, resulting in a sense of resistance, and they may even deliberately not respond to adults\’ words and use silence as a protest. Adele Farber, a well-known parent-child communication expert, once said: \”Never underestimate the impact of your words on your child\’s life.\” Language is a double-edged sword that can make a child feel loved and empowered, or make it worse. It can be seen that only by learning the correct way of communication can we really speak words into the hearts of children, so that they can regain their rebellious edge and become willing to cooperate and cooperate. If you want to really say itIn children’s minds, these three communication skills are very important. So, what should we do to make parent-child communication smooth and efficient? Positive Discipline e-book download [HD scan version, a must-have for parents] The book \”Parents\’ Language\” points out that if parents want to build the best way to communicate with their children, they need to use the \”3T principle\”, that is, empathy and attention (Tune). in), fully communicate (Talk more), and take turns (Take turns). Therefore, it is important for adults to do the following three things: Empathize with children’s feelings. This means that parents can consciously observe what their children are paying attention to and respond appropriately to their feelings in a timely manner. For example, when children complain that they “don’t want to go to school and feel boring”, instead of criticizing them without asking for any improvement, it is better to try to understand them first: “Studying must be very hard recently, do you want your parents to accompany you to go out and relax first?” , relax?\” Only when children feel accepted and cared for, can they connect with their parents and be willing to let us into their hearts. Give the initiative of chatting to your children. The protagonist of parent-child communication should always be the child. Therefore, on weekdays, we might as well give the initiative of chatting to our children, encourage them to share topics of interest to them, and at the same time listen attentively, and do not interrupt the children\’s speech easily. Of course, it doesn’t matter even if the child doesn’t want to say it at first. We can take the initiative to talk first, whether it is interesting stories around us or the news that happened recently, just like throwing bricks and mortar, guiding the children to slowly open up the conversation box. As a result, children will enjoy the pleasure of being valued and paid attention to during the chat process, and will be truly willing to communicate with their parents. Learn to show weakness and stop at the point. Li Meijin, a professor at the People\’s Public Security University of China, once said that after a child reaches the age of 12, what his parents say is \”rubbish\” and cannot be listened to at all. Therefore, when parents and children communicate, they should speak less and stop talking after three to five sentences, otherwise the children will definitely get bored. At the same time, when there is a conflict between parents and children, parents should learn to show weakness, let themselves soften and take a step back. Only by letting go of the obsession of \”parents being in the upper hand and winning over their children\” and no longer forcing them to admit their mistakes and admit defeat can we truly win the hearts of our children.