What should you do if you find that your child has a pleaser personality?

I have become accustomed to saying \”yes\”. Recently, a hot search on Weibo titled #pleasant personality lacks love# triggered a heated discussion among 40,000 netizens. What is emotional intelligence? How to improve your emotional intelligence? Cai Kangyong\’s 201 emotional intelligence lessons will make your wishes come true. A netizen recounted his ordinary yet heart-wrenching childhood experience: I remember that growing up, what my parents said the most was, \”You have to be obedient and sensible.\” There were children at home to play, and they took a fancy to my favorite remote control racing car. My mother immediately took it from my hands and \”offered it\”. At the beginning, I would cry and protest, and my mother would say, \”If you don\’t obey me, my mother will be angry.\” I was very scared, and I gave up instantly. There was a drama performance where I had been rehearsing a witch performance for a long time, but the teacher didn\’t even ask and just asked me to play the magic mirror. I felt aggrieved and wanted to fight for it but didn\’t dare. I went home and discussed it with my mother, and she accused me: \”I\’m so ignorant, just listen to the teacher!\” At that moment, those words were like a basin of cold water that extinguished my last hope. Slowly, by following their requests, I finally got used to saying \”yes\” to everything. A classmate asked me to borrow a comic book, and I was reluctant to part with it, fearing that it would be torn again, but my mother said, \”Harmony is the most precious thing,\” so I could only borrow it. My colleague asked me to help with a planning project. Although I had nothing to do, I didn\’t want to work overtime, but My mother said, \”Be willing to help others,\” so I could only help. As a result, she was scolded by her boss for being careless, and my colleagues simply ignored me. I felt that I had harmed her, so I immediately bowed my head and apologized;… My parents say that suffering is a blessing. All I know is that I live a very depressed life! Psychological counselor Wu Zhihong once said: \”In Chinese-style education, many parents hope that their children will be sensible and not cause trouble to adults. But children who are too sensible often also close themselves in loneliness.\” In the eyes of parents, obedient and sensible children Children are always the least to worry about. Because before we preach, he has consciously become what we \”expect\”, and we are also complacent in our \”teaching children well.\” As everyone knows, such \”obedient and sensible\” is a child\’s self-sacrifice to please, and it is also the beginning of a child\’s collapse. \”I just want to make my dad happy so that he will love me.\” Songzi in the movie \”The Life of the Disliked Songzi\” is a typical \”pleasant personality\”. In the first 20 years of her life, she made faces to get her father\’s attention and please him. She worked hard to become the daughter in her heart. She followed her father\’s choice of education, school, and career. A student in the class she was teaching was caught stealing money, and she was asked to intervene. However, the student refused to admit his fault. In order to calm the matter, Songzi did not hesitate to take the blame, and therefore lost his job. In each of the several relationships in her life, she dedicated herself to love and tried to please others, but what awaited her was abandonment and betrayal. In order to fulfill her boyfriend\’s dream of being a writer, she shouldered the burden of the family, but she was beaten and kicked; she was asked to be a bathhouse girl, but the money she earned was used by her boyfriend to support others. After discovering that she had been betrayed, she accidentally injured her boyfriend and went to jail. But even in prison, Songzi still sang: \”I\’m living for love.\” As she said, even if you are beaten, even if you go to hell, two people are better than one person alone. sheBehind her constant trying to please, lies her desire for love and recognition. And all this stems from the lack of love in childhood. The parents paid more attention to the frail sister and ignored her desire for love. Karen Horney has mentioned many times in \”The Conflict Within Our Hearts\”: \”Pleasers have an extreme need for warmth and appreciation.\” The most essential problem of people who are used to pleasing people is to base all their sense of self-worth on the external world. . They cannot recognize their true and imperfect selves from the bottom of their hearts, and do not believe that they can give themselves affirmation; they are extremely dependent on the approval of others, and can only get \”you are a good person\”, \”you are great\”, \”I think highly of you\” from others. ” evaluation, you will feel that you are good, capable, and worthy of love. But once their efforts to please do not receive the expected appreciation and recognition, they may enter a state of attack; they may also continue to work harder to please, sacrificing themselves to fulfill the interests of others, and thus step by step towards the abyss of losing themselves. Psychologist Brian Little likens this behavior to an \”onion personality\”: People who are used to pleasing people are actually like an onion. When you peel them off layer by layer, you will find that they have no core and no self. . My heart is like a huge black hole that cannot be filled. I can only spend my life trying to please others and ask for it from others. The final result is that the self is emptied out, leaving only a shell. What kind of parents are most likely to raise children with a \”pleasurable personality\”? The famous psychotherapist Hellinger said in \”It\’s Not Your Fault\”: The emergence of ingratiating behavior patterns originates from childhood trauma. These types of parents are most likely to raise children with \”pleasant personalities.\” 1. Controlling parents. A Zhihu netizen said: Growing up, the word “no” was not used in their family. From dressing up, eating, to interpersonal communication, choosing schools, and working, parents will give \”opinions\”, and they can only answer \”yes\”. No matter how unreasonable the \”opinions\” are, they cannot resist, otherwise they will be beaten or scolded. . In this kind of family, everything about the children must revolve around the needs of their parents. Children cannot have independent opinions and egos, and must \”do as they are told.\” Until the inner voice is completely silenced and becomes a puppet at the mercy of others. Children become timid and timid, afraid to express their needs, and feel that they will only be loved if they please their parents. When they grow up, the pattern of pleasing their parents becomes the pattern of pleasing their friends, colleagues, and lovers. 2. Negative parents In the Japanese drama \”The Wind and Waves\”, Agi grew up being denied. She was born with curly hair and was disliked by her mother, who said she was \”shameful.\” In order to gain her mother\’s approval, she secretly straightened her hair every morning. After work, she heard her colleagues mocking her for her dress and imitating her answers. She came up with various answers in her mind, but she was even more scorned. Children who grow up in denial often develop a mentality of putting themselves in a weak position by exalting others and belittling themselves in order to gain a sense of security. In other words, they think in their hearts: \”I am so weak and self-deprecating. I will not attack you, I will only support you. You will let me go, and I will be safe.\” Therefore, they do not Dare to express yourself, fearing that if you are too strong and beautiful, it will triggerThe aggression of others. In order to avoid conflict, they surrendered in advance. 3. Parents who are \”pleasers\” themselves. Many parents have made this mistake: when dealing with other people\’s children and their own children, they always sacrifice their own children\’s needs to meet the requirements of other people\’s children. For example: \”Your child is still good, not like my kid who is naughty every day\”, \”How do you raise your child to be so white, fat and cute, unlike me who can\’t take care of you\”… Parents are wronging their children, sacrificing themselves, to \”please\” \”When parents are other people, they influence their children in a subtle way, causing them to develop a low self-esteem feeling of being \”unworthy of being loved\” and feeling inferior to others. Children are a mirror of their parents. Children are like their parents. Ingratiation is like a \”genetic disease\” that goes from generation to generation without end. How parents can avoid raising a pleaser child 1. Parents’ unconditional love and trust are a child’s greatest source of confidence. Ichiro Kishimi mentioned in “The Courage to Be Disliked”: “People do not lack the ability to be happy, but have courage.” This courage comes from the unconditional love of parents. On June 7 last year, outside an examination room in Sichuan, a father was smiling and holding a sign waiting for his child to appear: \”No matter how well you do in the exam, your parents love you.\” As a parent, I use practical actions to tell my children: I I love you, whether you score 100 or 90, whether you are dazzling or ordinary. When a child is in an environment of love, his growth will be of great strength because he has his parents supporting him. He is no longer afraid of the breakdown of interpersonal relationships, and is no longer afraid of the eyes and evaluations of others. With the courage to be disliked, he can freely fight for a place to \”be himself\”. 2. Help children build self-confidence. Psychologists believe that in the process of growing up, the most important thing for children is to gain a sense of value and satisfaction, so as to avoid \”please\”. Subconsciously, pleasers do not accept themselves and believe that they have no value and significance. They form a wrong deviation towards themselves and develop a serious inferiority complex. Therefore, in the education process, parents should \”affirm more, encourage more, and blame less\”, start from the child\’s perspective more, say less \”if you are obedient, everyone will like you\”, and affirm their children more self-worth and appropriately meet the needs of children. A child with self-confidence has a high sense of self-worth and will not care too much about other people\’s evaluations, let alone think about how to please others. 3. Encourage children to express their feelings. Actor Ma Yili also mentioned a small incident that happened to her daughter in kindergarten. She said that Aima was playing house with her classmates in kindergarten. There was a child who always wanted to be a mother and Aima as a baby. Aima was not happy, but she did not dare to refuse. At this time, she realized that the \”good boy\” from her family had become accustomed to sacrificing herself to accommodate others. She began to encourage her children to express their thoughts, simulate various \”rejection\” scenarios at home, recognize their feelings, and give timely feedback. In this way, she will not feel unimportant, nor will she become a person who only knows how to please others but has no emotions. Click \”Like\” and hope that our children can follow their own hearts and not be afraid of wind and rain.No need to please, just move forward and live your own wonderful life.