What should you do if your child talks back and disobeys? This is a good thing!

My cousin said that she was very angry with her son Xiao Shanbao recently. The exam is about to come, so Xiao Shanbao should go home and open his pad to play around. His cousin advised him to finish his homework first and then play. Xiaoshanbao pushed back: Why can\’t I play first and then do my homework? In the English mock test the next day, Xiao Shanbao made a lot of mistakes and made several mistakes in very simple words. My cousin was very angry. She didn’t expect Xiao Shanbao to have more “backbone”: – What’s wrong with you? These words can be wrong. -I think I did pretty well on the exam. -It’s okay to make such a mistake. Did you memorize the words yesterday? -I carried it! My cousin became even more angry, and Xiaoshanbao also shouted: -Nonsense! Why did you memorize it so wrongly? -You asked me if I had memorized it, but you didn’t ask me if I remembered it. My cousin told me that he is still young now and will he be mad at him when he reaches puberty in the future? When parents are angry, they tend to get angry at their children. The children are not like their parents imagined, who would admit their mistakes and apologize obediently. Instead, they like to talk back and ask, \”Why do I have to listen to you?\” If you are not allowed to watch TV, how can you watch your mobile phone? How do you know it was me? …As a result, when the child talks back, the parents become even more angry, and they fall into a \”talking back cycle\” and start quarreling just for the sake of quarreling. A child who talks back is like a little hedgehog. As soon as we touched him, he would raise his spines and fight back. Say one thing to him, and he has ten words waiting there. When a child talks back, we can’t help but want to fight back. But there is never a winner in the parent-child war. In \”Talk\”, everyone will say some hurtful words, and the final result will inevitably be a lose-lose situation. We can’t help but daydream about how wonderful it would be if our children didn’t talk back! It is indeed a fantasy for children not to talk back. A statistics on child development in the United States shows that about 70% of children love to talk back. Why are they talking back? Sometimes, children talk back for \”dignity.\” Talking back is essentially speaking back. Since it was a counterattack, it was natural to feel the \”attack\” first. Once when I went to my best friend\’s house, she was angrily nagging her son: the room was too messy, like a pig\’s nest. She couldn\’t stand it every time and helped him clean it up. The little guy \”fighted back\” angrily: I think chaos is good, who wants you to clean it up? The mother-in-law quarreled for a long time, and finally the little boy cried and said: I know the room is a mess, but I just don’t like my mother talking about me! When we criticize our children, even if what we say is completely true, the children will feel devalued and attacked: Mom thinks I am wrong and I am not good. Only those children who have a better sense of security will talk back: Mom, I’m not bad, you are. Sometimes, children talk back for \”power.\” Moms know that a sweet little baby won\’t talk back. Only after the age of three or four, when the child\’s self-awareness begins to sprout, will he talk back. The child gradually separates from the spiritual world of his parents and becomes an independent person. He has independent opinions and independent will, and he works hard to show it to his parents. American journalist Jay Heinrichs wrote an interesting story: One winter morning, his son had to wear shorts to go to school. He was shocked: You must wear long pants, I am your father, listen to me. The little boy refused, his eyes filled with tears. He reasoned: if you don\’t wear long pants, your legs will crack from the cold. The little boy said, this is my leg, I don\’t mindThey were cracked by frost. The helpless father agreed because the child\’s \”talk back\” made sense. Dad called the school to ask for permission… The principal thought the little boy was cool and decided that from now on his birthday would be the school\’s \”Shorts and Skirts Day.\” From a certain perspective, children\’s efforts to compete for \”power\” are indeed cool. Because this is the medal for his growth. As the famous American comedian Seinfeld said: We need to understand why children appear – they are here to replace us. Children love to talk back, but parents hate it when their children talk back. Sohu once conducted a survey on what kind of behavior do you hate most when your children grow up? 75% of parents chose to talk back. Why? When a child talks back, we feel offended, angry and sad. American writer Pamela Lee said in her best-selling parenting book: In the eyes of many people, when children talk back, they are working against themselves. But in fact, this is just an embarrassment for us to \”lose authority\”. The growth of children often means the \”loss\” of parents. Losing the wholehearted dependence of the cute little baby. Loss of authority. Our influence in his world is getting smaller and smaller, shrinking from a god-like existence to two ordinary points. This is the truth of parenthood, but it’s hard for us to accept. Behind our anger there is sadness. I\’m doing this for your own good, so why are you not \”grateful\” but rudely pushing me away and treating me as an enemy? If what we want to be grateful for is not the healthy growth and love of our children, but absolute obedience, then the children cannot afford it. The child is not our precious toy, he is another person. It is human nature to protect one\’s own independent personality and to be disgusted with the \”invasion\” of others. If a child never talks back and obeys his parents like a little sheep, then we have to worry more. Is the child\’s mental ability underdeveloped, or is he always sacrificing himself? Just because we accept that our children love to talk back doesn’t mean we happily let it go. Because \”talking back\” is a foundation, it will develop in different directions. Some children develop the qualities of being able to think, have opinions, and dare to express themselves based on \”talking back\”. Some children are addicted to the joy of choking people with one sentence and become a bully who hides from others. We should guide our children to say \”no\” in a reasonable way, with strong persuasion and a warm attitude, instead of just \”talking back\”. How to do this? Set an example of listening for your child. If your child takes a paper with all C grades home, if we really let go of ourselves and listen to our child, maybe he will say, I am very sad, I did poorly in the exam, and I am very embarrassed. If we scold you, the child may immediately talk back: What\’s wrong with C? Someone is still taking the D test! The wise Socrates said that nature has given us humans one mouth and two ears, which means that we listen more and speak less. Only by listening patiently can we know what our children really think and give appropriate responses. More importantly, it is a model for children. Children slowly learn to listen to what others really think before \”talking back\”. Encourage calm and equal debate. A study conducted by the University of Virginia asked 150 13-year-old children to describe a conflict between themselves and their parents. Compare them two years laterThe way you argue with your parents and the way you get along with your colleagues. Research has found that children who often argue with their parents at home but stay calm are more able to deal with differences of opinion in the outside world more easily. When arguing, children must express their wishes in an organized manner and convince their parents. This will hone the child\’s thinking and expression, and is also important for the child\’s psychological development. Hamburg psychologist Dr. Angelika Fass said: Disputes can help children become confident and independent. In the confrontation, they feel that they are valued and know how to implement their will. Let your children do their own thing. Parents love their children and don’t want their children to take detours, so they always want to impart their own wisdom in life to their children. But the child didn\’t appreciate it at all. My little niece is learning new concepts and is reluctant to memorize words every day. My mother urges me every day, and she talks back every day. Then my mother decided to let her take charge of it herself. The consequences were disastrous. Not only did his grades in extracurricular classes plummet, but he even got B and C grades in the school\’s English exam several times in a row. But finally one day, my little niece took the initiative and said, Mom, I have to learn English. My mother burst into tears. For parents, watching their children make mistakes without taking action is simply fighting against their own nature. Although it is difficult, we have to admit that this is the child\’s own life. Instead of holding on to \”power\” and not giving it to him, we should let him go and let him slowly practice how to make good use of this power. When a child can take responsibility for himself, dare to express himself, and know how to respect others, that is the real gratification for parents.