What to do if children are grumpy and irritable during adolescence

I took my children to play outside my house two days ago and saw a very touching scene. Originally, several seven or eight-year-old children were playing shuttlecock together, having a great time and laughing. However, after a while, a little girl accidentally stepped on another boy\’s foot while running, which caused a huge explosion. The boy raised his head angrily and pointed at the other person with his finger: \”I think you are really short-sighted. Tell your mother to go and kill you later!\” After that, he picked up the shuttlecock again with a curse, but his anger was still there. dissipate. From a distance, I saw the boy\’s sullen expression, as if a ball of anger was igniting all over his body, heating up, burning, and exploding. Hearing her son\’s shouting, his mother ran over quickly, with an equally angry face, and tapped her son on the head with her finger: \”You kid, what are you making such a fuss about? Go home!\” After saying that, she dragged her son home, and the mother and son You said something to me, and we couldn\’t stop arguing, leaving two excited figures behind. This little thing reminds me of a sentence I read in \”Emotional Power: How Parents Can Communicate Peacefully with Their Children\”: \”Children\’s temper is the emotional pattern of the family and is the result of being influenced by adults.\” There are many children who get angry at every turn. , angry, tantrums, with extreme mood swings, but some children are completely different, they are emotionally stable, gentle and polite. The reason for this is of course the difference caused by the type of innate temperament, but more importantly, it is the influence of parents and the influence of family. The parents are the originals, but the children are the copies. In a parenting program, the daily life of an \”enemy mother and son\” was recorded, which was shocking. What should I do if my child has a bad temper and is irritable? In this way, the 8-year-old boy Chenchen is like an angry little monster, always on guard against his mother\’s \”attacks\”. Once his mother\’s demands exceed his requirements and offend him, he will get angry at any time and enter a \”fighting\” state. When his mother urged him to do his homework, Chenchen was particularly resistant, so he struggled with his mother with all his strength. He waved his arms and pushed his mother out with all his strength. He also said harshly to her: \”I\’m telling you that I\’m not feeling well today. Don\’t mess with me! If you don\’t listen, just try~!\” After that, he used force again. I gave my mother a push. The mother couldn\’t bear it anymore, so she stood up and slapped her son in the face. Although she was not cruel, it could be seen that the anger level in her heart was also soaring. Seeing this scene, I can\’t help but wonder, why did this mother and son, who were performing \”all martial arts\” at home, end up in this situation? The nurse revealed the mystery. When the children were young, they were often \”violently treated\” by their mothers. Due to the pressure of widowed parenting, the mother often broke down emotionally and could not suppress her inner anxiety when facing her son. Over time, the child is also overwhelmed by heavy negative emotions. On the one hand, he uses \”irritability\” as his protective color and for instinctive self-defense; on the other hand, through subconscious imitation, he gradually becomes a copy of his mother. Her behavior patterns. Neuroscientist Giocomo Rizzolatti and his research team at the University of Parma in Italy discovered a special structure in the brain – \”mirror neurons\” through experiments. The function of mirror neurons is to allow the brain to \”imitate\” subconsciously, which is the most direct and lowest physiological basis of learning. That isIt is said that when children see their parents yelling, irritable, and releasing emotions in irrational ways, they will enter the imitation mode through the brain\’s learning mechanism and naturally become like their parents. As Professor Li Meijin said: \”Children\’s problems are all reflections of their parents\’ problems.\” Children\’s bad temper is a symptom, while parents\’ bad temper is the root cause. Only by changing themselves and releasing kindness, warmth and stable emotions can parents remove the shell of their children\’s bad temper and improve their children\’s temperament little by little. Parents are emotionally stable and their children will never be in trouble. At the viewing ceremony of the movie \”Mozart from Outer Space\”, Huo Siyan\’s family of three was rarely seen. After not showing up for a long time, Huo Siyan still smiles like a flower, is gentle and sweet, and her son has grown more handsome and bright. As soon as I saw their family, I couldn\’t help but think of what Humph once said about my mother: \”She has never lost her temper with me, not even once.\” What a valuable ability this is! It is precisely because Huo Siyan can sort herself out inwardly, never loses her temper with her son, and guides him rationally and positively that her son is deeply influenced by her. He also learns to be calm and calm, and becomes a well-liked little nanny with high emotional intelligence that everyone loves. male. In fact, the so-called education is never about yelling, but influence and demonstration. Advanced parents will reflect their education and excellent qualities in their children\’s eyes through daily companionship, and become the best reference. An impressive video comes to mind, showing how a gentle father guides his daughter to deal with negative emotions. Facing his daughter who bowed her head and said nothing, the father tried his best to be patient and calm, and comforted him softly: \”You can be angry, but don\’t let this emotion control you for too long, otherwise it will be bad for you, okay?\” \”You have to tell me I\’m your bottom line, and I will never cross it, okay?\” The most admirable thing is that even if his daughter loses her temper, this father never responds with violence. Instead, he is sober and restrained from beginning to end, which further demonstrates the strength of an adult. Emotional control ability and positive guidance of children. Dr. Helm G. Norbert, a doctor of psychology, said: \”If you want to stop a child\’s bad behavior, you must not use the same bad behavior to stop it.\” When a child loses his temper, parents cannot use the method of losing their temper. Contain it, and after handling your emotions, show the best example to your children. The more impatient and roaring the parents are, the more impulsive and rebellious the children will be; the calmer and calmer the parents are, the more restrained the children will be. For a child, what kind of person their parents are and the stable, safe, and practical family environment and atmosphere they create directly affect what kind of character they will have and what kind of person they will become. The responsibility of parents is to maintain continuous self-cultivation and improvement through self-examination and awareness, and to give their children a native family that heals their souls and absorbs nutrients. To \”save\” children with bad tempers, please accept this tip. If a child already has a tendency to have a \”bad temper\”, in addition to parents restraining and changing themselves to slowly improve their children\’s bad tempers, they can also try the following suggestions: Soften the child. 1) Understand the child’s needs. Sometimes, tantrums are the child’s language, a kind of emotional catharsis from the inside out when the needs are not met. Blindly stop the childStopping the tantrum will only aggravate the inner sense of loss and destroy the child\’s sense of security and trust in his parents. In the picture book \”My Yelling Day\”, the girl Bella always loses her temper at people. She shouted to her brother who entered her room: \”Please leave my room!\” She refused to eat well or wear shoes properly: \”I don\’t eat that stuff, I don\’t wear shoes!\” It turned out that she felt lonely inside. , wanting a mother\’s hug and companionship, she tried to get her mother\’s attention by losing her temper. When her mother came to her side and stayed with her attentively, Bella finally calmed down, lost her restlessness, and leaned against her mother with a smile. I have seen many parents who will forcefully kick their children out of the house when they lose their temper. Others will ignore them and treat them coldly. In fact, these two methods are taking away the child\’s inner sense of security and alienating the parent-child relationship. The best parents must have tolerant energy and heart, and can better understand their children\’s needs and voices. We can give children time to vent first and wait until their emotions calm down before communicating and judging their true thoughts. Regardless of whether the child\’s needs can be met or not, this bridge of emotional flow must be built to understand the child\’s thoughts. 2) SPCP program (active cooperative problem-solving method) Ross Greene, a pediatrician at Massachusetts General Hospital and a famous child psychologist at Harvard Medical School, proposed the SPCP program in his book \”Tantrum Kid\” to solve the problem of children throwing tantrums. question. This method has three steps: empathize with others, that is, \”confirmatory listening\”, and retell the children\’s concerns and voices; define the problem, and parents find the root cause of parent-child conflicts by speaking out their concerns; and invite cooperation, where children and parents work together , to find possible solutions. The basis of this approach is respect and positive communication, efforts to seek cooperation, and an effective strategy to improve children\’s bad temper. A few days ago, I urged my daughter to practice piano and accidentally ignited her \”violent temper\”. But instead of giving strong orders as usual, I used the above method and listened to her vent her dissatisfaction and tell her how tired she was of boring piano practice. I also expressed my thoughts frankly. I was about to face the music test and was worried that laziness would affect my performance. In the end, We made a mutual agreement to practice for 40 minutes starting at 7 o\’clock every night, so we reached an agreed plan. This little thing also constantly reminds me that children actually have huge energy and contractual spirit in their hearts, and they also have unlimited potential to become better. We must give them more trust. Many times, it is improper education by parents that makes their children worse. But if parents use the right force, their children will definitely surprise us. Daniel, the father of emotional intelligence, wrote: \”IQ only accounts for 20% of a person\’s success, and the remaining 80% depends on other factors, the most important of which is emotional intelligence.\” Children who are emotionally stable, positive and sunny make people feel like a spring breeze and are more popular with everyone. Children who are gloomy, irritable, passive and sensitive can make people feel chilly and turn them away. A child\’s smile is an expensive business card of character. Therefore, we must maintain self-cultivation and be qualified emotionally stable parents. This will help our children walk in the world.The armor of the world will also be the best example for their growth. I hope our children can smile brightly, fly high, and be real winners in life.