What to do if there is serious internal strife in a family

My best friend said that she was very nervous whenever she was with her mother, for fear of making a mistake: \”When I was a child, if I accidentally dropped a piece of meat while eating, my mother would accuse me of wasting food; if I tripped while walking, my mother would accuse me of being sloppy. Even if I accidentally break a bowl, my mother will scold me all day long; she will also often complain that my shoes are not put away, the water glasses are placed around, and the clothes are stained when eating… She yells at me every day and insults me. Blame, as if I had made a huge mistake. When I grew up, my mother would often go over old scores and nag, as if I had never done anything right. She spent most of her time correcting my mistakes, even for trivial things. This kind of growth experience has made me timid, sensitive and anxious since I was a child, and I am often in a state of internal friction…\” After listening to my best friend\’s complaints, I couldn\’t help but feel distressed. Look around, there are indeed many parents around who like to agonize over small things and cause internal friction! If a child eats some junk food, it seems that he will be seriously ill tomorrow; if a child breaks a water glass, it seems that the family will go bankrupt; if the child\’s test scores are not very good, it is simply hopeless, and it seems that he will definitely go to the construction site to move bricks in the future. …In fact, what a family fears most is not poverty, but internal strife. What children fear most is not material scarcity, but the constant criticism and suppression from their parents. Continuously consuming children on small things will not only damage the child\’s energy and upward motivation, but also reduce the family\’s fortune. Of course, this does not mean that children should not be punished when they make mistakes, but that parents must change the way they discipline. Treat children in a positive way instead of endlessly lecturing and criticizing. When raising children, don’t be inwardly obsessed with small things. It is difficult for a family that lacks a sense of relaxation to raise happy children. At this point, I am very grateful to my parents. When I was a child, although my family was not wealthy, I could choose what and how I wanted to play, as long as it was within the rules. As for some unintentional mistakes, as long as they don’t hurt others, myself, or the environment, my parents won’t blame me. I remember one time, my father bought me a new pair of sandals, but I accidentally cut the laces of the new shoes. After my dad found out, he looked at the shoes, smiled and said to me: It\’s okay, dad will mend them for you. After saying that, he used needle and thread to help me mend the shoes. When we went out to play when we were young, we could play on the grass or in mud puddles, climb trees, climb rocks, or drill holes. Because according to my parents, if clothes are dirty, they can be washed, and if they are torn, they can be mended. As long as you don\’t get hurt, don\’t hurt anyone, and don\’t break the law, you can have fun playing. In short, when it comes to raising children, although our family tradition and rules are very strict, our parents can always be relaxed and relaxed and never waste us endlessly on small things. That sense of relaxation makes me feel at ease. Actor Tao Hong said that once her daughter accidentally spilled the milk on the table. Looking at the milk on the ground, Tao Hong was very angry and immediately yelled: \”What\’s wrong with you?\” As a result, her daughter was so frightened that she forgot to cry, and there was only fear in her eyes. Only then did Tao Hong realize that he had done something wrong. When her daughter made the same mistake for the second time, Tao Hong hugged her instead of yelling.The daughter, who was at a loss, comforted her: \”Are you scared? It\’s okay, it\’s okay.\” This time the child cried \”Wow\”. Afterwards, Tao Hong concluded: \”What is the highest responsibility of a mother? It is to give her child more security. What she gets from her mother should be a harbor, comfort, and the best hug.\” Therefore, when a child makes a mistake, It\’s not scary. What\’s scary is the parents\’ wrong way of coping. Don\’t waste time attacking and blaming your children, but use patience and tolerance to understand your children. If you change the way to communicate with your children, you will find that your children will accept it and make positive changes. The growth of children is a big project. As parents, it is enough for us to grasp the direction, bottom line and principles, and do not put energy and time into the internal consumption of specific details. 1. Discuss the matter as it is and focus on \”solving the problem\”. When encountering something, we can change our way of thinking: change what can be changed and accept what cannot be changed. Focus your energy on solving the problem rather than wasting it on yourself and blaming others. We have all had this experience: when something happens, dealing with the thing itself often does not consume too much energy. What really consumes our energy is the self-blame, regret, shame, self-attack and mutual accusations attached to things. If a child breaks a bowl, and after checking whether the child is injured, the parents say matter-of-factly: \”The bowl is broken, let\’s clean it up.\” Then the child will feel that breaking the bowl is not a terrible disaster. Just clean it up, the consequences are easy to bear. In this way, the child only needs to focus on \”solving the problem\” and will not consume too much energy. But if the parents angrily scold, \”Why are you so stupid?\”, \”You are restless all day long,\” or \”You can\’t even hold a bowl.\” Or even though he didn\’t speak, his brows were furrowed and his eyes were full of disgust, contempt and boredom. Then the child\’s energy has to be used to bear the parents\’ emotions and deal with the fear and shame caused by the parents\’ scolding. In the child\’s mind, what he broke was not only a bowl, but also his own dignity. The consequences are \”catastrophic\”. It is normal for growing children to make mistakes. Parents who are more patient and tolerant and give them a certain amount of time and space will be more helpful to their children\’s growth. 2. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and consider problems from the child’s perspective. Try to think and solve problems from the child’s perspective. Why do children always make small mistakes? Because they are children! Driven by curiosity, lack of experience in doing things, and poor hands-on ability, children often want to do something well, but often fail to do so. Therefore, making mistakes may not be the child\’s intention at all. When something small happens to a child, and if parents can\’t help but want to talk, please imagine yourself as a child first. Experience your child\’s feelings firsthand (for example, put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel if your boss often picked on you), so that you may be able to be more tolerant of your child. 3. Instead of focusing on your child’s mistakes, see the good in your child. No one, when he feels bad in front of you, he will still be willing to listen to your reasoning. Only when a person feels valuable in front of others will he be willing to listen to you. So every time before we talk to our children, we can ask ourselves two questions: What problem do I want to solve in this conversation, and can the child realize the nature of this problem? Will this conversation improve the relationship between me and my children? Or will more problems break out? If the answer is yes and positive, then we can open up and talk to our children casually. If more problems will break out, choose silence. Sometimes even without saying it, children will slowly understand it. Parents should discover more of their children\’s shining points. Only when their children receive positive affirmation and support can they grow rapidly at their own pace. Only by nourishing children with love can they have love in their hearts and tolerate the world. 4. Don’t turn your own incompetence into anger towards your children. You have to admit that being a parent is not an easy thing. In the process of raising children, there are countless moments of breakdown. Especially when there is financial pressure, it is easier to be overwhelmed by reality. It seems like everything around you is against you, but you can\’t find a reasonable outlet. When they see their children standing aside, ignorant and immersed in their own world, parents will easily focus their fire on their children. There is a famous saying on the Internet: \”A person\’s anger largely comes from their incompetence.\” There are many things that they obviously cannot do, but when their parents lose control of their emotions, their children accidentally become the punching bag. Looking back on our childhood, have we ever been criticized by our parents for no apparent reason? Especially when they are not doing well at work, it becomes a mistake for you to even breathe in that home. Netizen Xingzi once shared an incident: \”One winter, my mother probably encountered something unsatisfactory at work. That day, the clothes were not completely dried, so I took them back and put them on the chair. After my mother found out after work, she took them directly He rubbed his clothes hard against my face and cursed me, but I stood there, not daring to speak or move… Decades later, I still remember the coolness on the clothes, the chill that penetrated my heart!\” There are some parents in life, just like Xingzi\’s Same as mom. Children can get angry when they can\’t tie their shoelaces, hold dishes or even cry because they\’re sick. If you are such a parent, then you really need to take a good look at yourself. Look past your anger to see what you really need. Otherwise, your child will suffer all the grievances you make because there is still the next anger and the next anger waiting for him. 5. Don’t try to control your children. Parents who like to consume their children in small things often have a strong desire to control! Because he hopes that his children will grow up as he expected, without making any mistakes. Whenever a child loses control at all, he will not be able to bear it and will start to find faults and problems with the child. But such a desire for control often overwhelms children, causing them to suffer psychological damage and lead to unhappy lives. So please put away your desire for control and return choice and autonomy to your children. Many things work better when children feel relaxed! Only when parents are not nervous or anxious can their childrenBe optimistic and open-minded, and be able to face any difficulties positively; if parents are not anxious and internally conflicted, children can go into battle easily and take their own path in life; if parents are not controlling and restrained, children can have a rich heart and go further and further. The rarest thing in family relationships is \”relaxation\”. Parents who can give their children a \”relaxation\”, although ordinary, can heal their children for a lifetime. Good parents don\’t need to exert too much force or be too internalized on small things. Just use unconditional love and let nature take its course to protect your child!