What to do with children who refuse to listen to reason?

I can’t remember how many times I saw my son playing games at 2 a.m. attentively. I angrily asked my son: \”You don\’t help with the big or small chores at home. You just sit in the room and don\’t study. You only know how to play games. Games cannot be eaten as food. Staying up late playing games is not good for the body. Mom is doing this for me.\” For your sake, why don\’t you always like to hear what I say?\” My son glanced at me and said perfunctorily: \”I know, I know, I\’ll go to bed after playing this game.\” I refused to let the child go immediately. Put down the phone and go to sleep, waiting for the child to give me a satisfactory answer like before, even if it is just perfunctory. However, this time the child was not even willing to deal with it, and yelled directly at me: \”Everything you said is right, and everything I did was wrong. Are you satisfied with this? You don\’t have to worry about me anymore, just let me fend for myself.\” Let\’s go.\” Then he slammed the door and locked it tightly. He didn\’t open the door until noon the next day. I tried my best to say it, but the door was still closed, and my child didn’t eat or go to school… I had mixed feelings in my heart. What happened to my child to hate me so much? How could our relationship be like this… Until one time I I saw this passage: \”The most ineffective effort in the world is to reason with your children from the bottom of your heart. The more truths you tell, the more disgusted your children will be and the less willing they are to communicate with you.\” It turns out that \”reasoning\” with sincerity , will destroy a parent-child relationship. Reasoning to children is the most useless way to educate children. I have the same problem, as do Mumu’s father and Yangyang’s mother. Mumu’s father is a senior executive of a state-owned enterprise. In the company, whenever he criticizes his subordinates, they are able to work according to his ideas and improve at work. But what confuses him is that this method seems to be very effective in the work unit, but when it is used on his son, it hits a wall everywhere. Mumu\’s father was young and promising, and he was very popular in the eyes of outsiders. Everything he said seemed to make sense, but Mumu couldn\’t listen to a word. Over time, Mumu even began to hate his father. Yangyang’s mother is an education enthusiast and has participated in many parenting lectures and workshops. Her mobile phone is full of parenting groups. When my daughter started to lose her temper, her mind was filled with pedagogical terms. He talked about a lot of truths, but when facing his daughter, it was like playing the piano to an ox. My own experience and the stories of friends around me tell me: Reasoning to children is really the most useless way of educating children. Research by Harvard University MD Daniel Siegel and brain scientist Tina Payne Bryson pointed out: \”The reason why children cannot listen to reason is that the way parents raise their children does not conform to the laws of brain development.\” Our brains are divided into It has two layers: the upper layer is the rational brain and the lower layer is the emotional brain. The development pattern of children is that they go down first and then up. In other words, for young children whose brains have not yet fully developed, the children may not understand the truth we explain at all. No wonder Rousseau, the famous educator in the 18th century, said: \”Three educational methods that are not only unhelpful but harmful to children are: reasoning, losing temper, and deliberately being moved.\” Therefore, when facing children, reasoning is the next best thing. Losing your temper is a bad idea, and doing it in the name of love is even worse. Treating \”reasoning\” as \”education\” is almost a common idiom of problematic parents.When I thought about this, I suddenly felt how confused I had been. What is even more worthy of reflection is that too many parents in life regard \”reasoning\” as \”education.\” \”Eat less snacks, it\’s bad for your teeth.\” \”Lie down in bed and play with your phone less, it\’s bad for your eyes.\” \”Read less online novels, there are problems with the values ​​of online novels.\” The intention of chattering endlessly is not to let the children take detours. But like a slow poison, it infects a child who has no opinion, lacks judgment, blindly believes in authority, and lacks innovation. \”Teaching without words\” is a classic education method that has been passed down through the ages. In theory, everyone agrees. However, when encountering a problem, most people\’s first thought is always how to persuade their children and how to reason with them. For example, if the elderly at home dote on their children and spoil them with bad habits, what the parents think about is: How can I reason with the children and let them correct their shortcomings? For example, some children are bullied by their teachers at school and do not want to go to school. Parents do not communicate with the teachers and instead do ideological work with their children: How can we make the children not tired of learning? This kind of strange logic often happens in life – it is obvious that the adults have done something wrong and hurt the children, but they turn the blame on the children and hope to solve the children\’s problems with just words. How is this possible? After raising my child to death, I decided to change my approach to managing my child. 1. Replace “reasoning” with real experience. Educator Dewey believed: “Education is not a matter of “telling” and being told, but a proactive and constructive one. process. This principle is almost universally recognized in theory, and no one violates it in practice.\” To make children \”understand the truth\”, don\’t just tell them the truth, you must first give them the opportunity to gain it in practice Continuous experience. Instead of asking them to \”dress more when it\’s cold\”, it\’s better to let them catch a cold and experience the pain of being sick. Instead of telling them that \”it\’s not easy for parents to make money,\” it\’s better to let them try to \”make money\” on their own during the holidays, so that they understand that every penny is not easy to come by. Instead of asking them to \”study hard\”, it is better to let them experience the hardships of ordinary people\’s lives, and then take them to universities to let them understand the impact of higher education on life. Educator Montessori said: \”When I heard it, I forgot; when I saw it, I remembered it; when I did it, I understood it.\” Educating children is a process that allows children to slowly understand process. 2. Use retreat to advance instead of head-on confrontation. \”The flood is easy to drain but not easy to block.\” For rebellious children, head-on confrontation is a bad strategy, and guidance is a good strategy. Deng Yaping\’s child is addicted to playing games, but she did not blame her child, but gently said to him: \”If you really like playing games, you can go into e-sports.\” After that, Deng Yaping took her son to investigate Two top e-sports clubs, let my son understand their daily routine and see how they train. As a result, when my son heard that e-sports required training for 12 hours a day, he immediately gave up. Psychologist Adler said: \”Confronting children will only lead to failure. You can never defeat children, let alone cultivate their cooperative spirit through confrontation.\” If we want to make children willing to cooperate with us, \”retreating to advance\” is the key The best way. 3. Identify your own “preaching”Patterns Sometimes we may unconsciously fall into a “preachy” pattern. So we can try to pay attention to these signals: Is it me who is talking all the time? Am I always saying \”no\” to my kids? Did I interrupt my child? Am I interpreting my child\’s troubles from an adult perspective? If the answer to two of the above four questions is \”yes\”, then we should give ourselves this psychological hint: now we just need to listen to our children. 4. Listen to children’s emotions that they are unwilling to express. When listening to children, we can hint to ourselves: \”I don’t know anything. I am curious about what the child is about to tell me.\” During the process of communicating with the child, we can constantly confirm that the child feelings and thoughts. \”What are you thinking when your mother doesn\’t buy you toys? Can you tell me about your mood now?\” If we encounter children who cannot express their emotions, we can also use videos, paintings, dances, games, etc. , present their ideas. Maybe he is willing to say: \”Mom, I just looked like the little monster in this cartoon.\” There is such a passage in \”New Chinese Parents\” that is worth pondering for every parent: \”There are two types of parents in this world. . One type is \’resting on one\’s laurels\’ parents, who use a set of education methods they have received in the past to educate their children. If their children do not perform well, they usually only think that there is no problem with traditional education and that it is the child who has the problem. The other type is \’learning Type\’ parents, they will explore educational methods that keep pace with the times. If their children do not perform well, they will reflect and find better ways to educate their children.\” There are no innately excellent parents, but fortunately we can constantly make corrections Error, be a learning parent and move forward with your children.