What will happen to children whose parents often quarrel when they grow up?

When I came back from New Zealand last week, my parents accompanied me to apply for a bank card. Because the return time was too short, everything had to be processed quickly. My parents were both impatient. They walked in a hurry and spoke irritably along the way. When we walked to the bank, they had already started to blame each other. , I could smell the strong smell of gunpowder around me. When the bank staff started handling business, my father stood on my left and my mother stood on my right. The two of them had a big argument because the new card could not be put into the mobile phone. I sat in the middle of the counter and watched. The salesman\’s eyes widened and he could only smile awkwardly. The sight of me, in the middle of my bickering parents, was a microcosm of the environment I grew up in. As long as I can remember, my parents have often quarreled, over money, over relatives, over food, and over all trivial matters that are not worth arguing about. When I was a child, I just felt scared, but when I grew up, I was extremely disgusted. I don’t know why problems that can be solved have to be quarreled. My parents argued endlessly on the phone, at relatives\’ houses, and on the street, but were unwilling to let go of each other and find their own freedom. I grew up in such a family environment. Some people say that family determines a person\’s character to a great extent. I strongly agree. I also hated my parents\’ behavior and believed that their quarrels caused several defects in my personality. I vowed to run away as soon as I grew up. However, after moving away, I discovered that many of the friends I met grew up in family environments similar to mine, but their destinies were very different: some people have always carried the pain of their original families and grew up to be irritable, restless, and pessimistic people. , some people choose to be relieved, free themselves from the pain of childhood, and take the initiative to shape their own lives. Self-growth must start with self-analysis. Traveling away provided me with the opportunity to think about the past, allowing me to see that many of my character flaws were becoming obstacles, and those who broke away from the shadow of their original families have been using their happiness to remind me I need to change. The following is the path I took here, for reference only. I want to tell you that you don’t have to dwell on the past, because everyone is running with injuries. 1. I am very uneasy and always eager to be recognized by others. I remember that because of a small incident, my mother was hysterical. She dragged me, who was less than ten years old, to my father and asked me who I would go with if we divorced. It was an era when divorce was looked down upon. I still remember that students from single-parent families in the class were isolated and laughed at. Those naughty children said, \”He has no mother!\” I never dared to be an accomplice. I tried my best to I try my best to please and make everyone like me, but I worry every moment when my parents quarrel, fearing that I will fall from the sky to the ground the next day and become the kind of person who is isolated and ridiculed. Fear therefore became part of my personality. I grew up prematurely and learned to read people’s faces prematurely. As an adult, I have been particularly sensitive to the emotions of people around me. Once I see people around me unhappy, I will ask with almost fear, \”Is it because of me?\” And once I encounter a question that requires a choice, my answer can It\’s as vague as it gets. I have to let the other person make a decision first, because my subconscious has been telling me this: You have to make sure that others are satisfied first, then you are qualified to be happy. 2. I am under great psychological pressure and have little hope for life.I don’t have much hope, and I am very pessimistic. There seems to be no bottom line when my parents quarrel. They say all nasty things and do not shy away from my existence at all. The two of them must decide the winner regardless of time or occasion. Often the bowl and the vase become one. The victim of a quarrel. For a long time, whenever I made a mistake in my life, I would go back to my childhood. I would deeply blame my quarreling parents in my heart, blaming them for taking me down a road where I didn’t know how to be happy. I never knew how to relax, and I was under a lot of psychological pressure. I was cautious about what I said and did. I always felt like someone behind me was watching everything I did, and every move I made might cause dissatisfaction from others. I almost avoided getting close to anyone, because without intimacy there would be no quarrels. I missed heart-to-heart friends for many years and kept my heart tightly closed. Because I have seen too many scenes where \”quarrels cannot solve the problem\”, I view the problem very pessimistically. Even if it is a small matter, I feel that the sky is falling, and I think there is no solution at all. For a few years, I felt that my hope of living was getting thinner and thinner. I didn’t love others or myself. When I was a child, I had a lot of short-sighted impulses because of my parents’ quarrels. I forced myself to suppress the negative emotions. When I grew up, I found that those childhood memories that I couldn’t let go of. Experiences will appear repeatedly in your life. 3. I don’t believe in harmonious love, and I am used to quarreling when solving problems with my lover. Only when I became an adult did I understand the reasons why my parents often quarreled. My mother’s character was too strong and did nothing, and my father’s character was very comfortable and did not know how to fight. I thought the world There is no harmonious love in the world, so after falling in love, I refused to solve the problem in a rational way. I relied on my voice and tears to win, and I became another copy of my mother. Several relationships were sacrificed like this, and I spent a long time reflecting on it: Was it my parents’ quarrels in my childhood that affected my life, or was it that I was obsessed with my childhood experiences and was unwilling to take the initiative to come out? If I take this as an excuse for all my failures in life, then when one day I start a family and have children, will she also relive my past? Will she also resent me for not giving her a happy life? At the beginning of the year, I set a goal for myself to read more books. I came across several psychological books and read some stories about my family of origin. There are so many people who have experienced deeper pain than me, but they have not continued to stay in the country like me. in the past. I have summarized some rules from these stories to help me overcome my resentment towards my parents. If you have the same experience as me, these steps may help you: 1. Understand: Try to restore the background at that time and consider the circumstances of your parents. Growing environment, personality, work, etc., to understand that their quarrels do not happen without reason. 2. Forgiveness: Forgiveness is the beginning of all changes, but forgiveness is not about forgetting, but about being an adult and overcoming emotions with reason and thinking calmly. 3. Change: Tell yourself that you have the ability to get out of the past, and never use the shadow of your original family as an excuse. We can never change the past, but we always have the opportunity to create the future. I left the airport today and flew to New Zealand. I still didn’t give myself a chance to turn around. My parents must have been crying behind me. The two of them had been quarreling all their lives, but because they loved me,And ended up being tightly tied together. I used to secretly wonder if we would be happier now if we didn\’t have so many quarrels in those years. But at that moment, I still cried desperately in my heart, hating myself for not understanding the way they came earlier, hating myself for not accepting the love earlier – the love that had been ignored behind the quarrels.