When a baby loses his temper, the adults can do nothing to deal with it?

My best friend said: \”My two-and-a-half-year-old son has been acting like a little devil recently. He would lie on the floor screaming and crying when he disagreed with me. The elders in the family took turns trying to persuade him, but he cried more and more. The older the baby is, the harder it is to take care of him. I feel a little exhausted.\” I have also felt this way since Su Bao turned two years old. Later, after reading two books recommended to me by Su Bao, an early education teacher, and gaining some experience of my own, I discovered that adults do not always need to intervene when children cry and lose their temper. Regarding two books: one is the positive discipline series that everyone is familiar with, and the other is called How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen. The mother of the author of this book is the best-selling book \”How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, How to Listen\” Adele Faber, the author of \”Only Children Can Talk\”, so Aunt Faber and her whole family are studying how to deal with children\’s emotions. When facing a tantrum-throwing baby, you should do something, and even more importantly, do something not to do. 1. Stop talking nonsense like \”Don\’t cry\” and \”It\’s okay\”. When a baby cries, parents\’ instinctive reaction is to help her stop crying, such as feeding her when she\’s hungry and burping her when she\’s bloated. In the process of helping the child stop crying for the first time, the initial attachment relationship with the child is established. However, this relationship will gradually change after the baby is one year old. The baby\’s crying may no longer be a physiological need, but may just be caused by a bad mood, a sensitive period, etc. But it’s natural for parents to feel frustrated if they can’t help their children stop crying. For example, if a child falls, we will quickly say something like \”It\’s okay, don\’t cry, don\’t cry, it doesn\’t hurt.\” The child may be thinking, \”I\’m obviously in pain, why do I say it doesn\’t hurt?\” ? ? In fact, what we try to comfort at this time is not the child, but the scared self within ourselves. 2. Don’t pretend to empathize. I remember my best friend once told me that when my son broke down and cried, I followed the popular methods on the Internet to empathize with him, label his emotions, and reason with him, but it was of no use. Yes, a routine is a routine after all. If you use it too often, a shrewd kid will see through it immediately. As soon as you get close to your baby, he will know that you are about to start \”empathizing\”, and of course he will cry louder… I remember one time during a long trip, Su Bao cried when he returned to the hotel because he was tired. I used to use empathy as a habit. Saying \”You\’re tired\” but with an impatient tone in your voice means \”it\’s time for you to go to bed\”, which is not really empathizing. Then I realized that I was actually tired after playing with my baby all day. I simply fell on the bed and let her cry. After a while, Su Bao got tired of crying and crawled to me. I said: Look, you are tired and I am tired too. You are in a bad mood and so am I. It will be fine if you take a nap. Su Bao suddenly felt relieved that \”I can help you with ten thousand words, but I understand you with one sentence.\” She also lay down next to me and soon fell asleep. 3. Don’t rush to ask questions and shut up when appropriate. While I’m preparing dinner, Su Bao usually plays with toys or reads a book by himself in the room. One day I suddenly heard her crying loudly. I rushed over and saw her sitting on the ground with scattered blocks around her. Although I had already guessed half of it, I still asked her what was wrong? Did the building blocks fall over?Already? Or some other reason? Unexpectedly, Su Bao didn\’t answer at all, and even cried so hard that he was out of breath. It took a long time to calm down. In fact, when children cry when they encounter something that frustrates them, they need some buffer time and space. If adults keep asking questions next to them, it will only make them more irritable and confused. Later, when I encounter this situation, I will take a look and judge initially that Su Bao is not crying because of a physical injury or other reasons, so I will quietly walk away and give her some time to digest her negative emotions. When the crying subsides, I will Go in. 4. Don’t rush to solve the problem. Su Bao and I went to the park to play some time ago. One of her biscuits broke while eating snacks. She wanted to eat the whole biscuit (you know the T2 baby with obsessive-compulsive disorder) and started to cry. . Before, I would have tried to explain to her something like, \”We don\’t have any more cookies.\” But remembering the advice in Faber\’s book, I changed my approach. Su Bao said with a cry: My biscuits were broken! I said: Yes, it broke into three petals. Su Bao said again: I want round biscuits. I also echoed her: I also like to eat round cookies. Su Bao: But it broke. Me: Yes, I really hope it’s not broken. At this point, Su Bao had already realized that it was a fact that the biscuits were broken, and there was no way to solve it for the time being. Later, when we encountered similar things, Su Bao and I would worry, be sad, and stamp our feet together. On the contrary, she would be able to accept the fait accompli more quickly and forget about it soon. When we face a child crying, we often feel, \”I must help my child solve this problem, otherwise I will not be a good parent.\” In fact, adults may not be able to solve the root cause of children\’s crying. At this time, it is very important to shut up at the right time. Sometimes crying is a way for children to release their emotions. When a child is not feeling physically well, but just emotionally, and needs to cry, any form of \”coaxing\” will only make them cry longer. Of course, although there is no need to intervene and deal with the baby\’s tantrum immediately, some homework must be done: 1. Analyze the real cause of the baby\’s tantrum. Even an extremely sensitive two-year-old baby is not prone to crying for no reason. Crying is just a symptom, and there are always some incentives behind it, such as whether there are any changes in the living environment, whether the relationship between family members affects the baby\’s mood, etc. Su Bao\’s mood has been unstable recently. In addition to the sensitive period of two years old, the arrival of his younger sister has taken away some time from Su Bao. For this reason, I try to spend some time alone with her every day. When she has more high-quality companionship, she will lose her temper less often. In addition, I don’t know if you have noticed that more than 80% of the time when babies throw tantrums, they are accompanied by sleepiness or hunger. When we ourselves are tired, our moods are more likely to deteriorate. Ensuring the baby\’s diet, sleep, and daily routine can reduce the \”attack rate\” of crying by a part (I laughed when I wrote this. Do you think that taking care of the emotions of T2 babies is not as important as caring for mental patients? Feet…) 2. Sort out your emotions together afterwards. Faber\’s book also emphasizes teaching children to recognize emotions, so that they will know the feelings that bother them.what exactly is it. She also suggested helping children find an outlet to relieve their emotions (note that this is assistance, not help. The protagonist of emotional relief is the child, not the parent). Su Bao has been very interested in graffiti recently, so after her tantrum has calmed down a bit, I will give her a drawing board and paint and let her draw out her feelings. After applying it for a while, she will feel much better. 3. Teach children to establish self-healing rituals. I wonder if you have ever encountered it. Sometimes babies lose their temper so intensely that they can’t stop even if they want to, and they cry for a particularly long time. I encountered it once. When he was eating out, Su Bao knocked over his food and was very upset, and was about to burst into tears. I didn’t know where the idea came from at that time. I found a small tube of Daisy perfume that I carried with me in my bag. I sprayed some on my wrist and put my hand in front of Su Bao’s nose. She suddenly seemed to have pressed the pause button. , asked me curiously what this was. I took the opportunity to explain that this was \”angry water\”, which can make people feel better. Later, I occasionally encountered situations where the baby couldn\’t stop crying. This method worked wonders. It can be regarded as my secret weapon for \”emergency\”. What surprised me was that one time Su Bao lost his temper, and after a while he came over to me and said, \”Mom, I want some angry water. Once I smell it, I won\’t be angry anymore.\” I suddenly realized that this was actually a sign of Su Bao learning to self-regulate her emotions. She learned to use \”angry water\” as a ritual to pause her bad emotions. Yes, we cannot stay with our children forever. But when he encounters a low mood in the future, if Su Bao will smell the fragrance of \”little daisies\” (or take a bath or drink a bowl of hot soup), he will use childhood rituals to actively self-regulate and take care of his emotions. , I would feel that this is what emotional management enlightenment is all about.