When a child loses his temper and cries, is it better to hold him or not?

A reader asked me that I only use simple and crude methods when educating my children. When faced with a problem, he won’t turn around. Although I know that I need to teach my children, I don’t know how to teach them so that they can be willing to accept them. How can I educate my children to achieve a state of moistening things without making any noise? He gave me an everyday example: My daughter was three years and four months old. During dinner, her mother-in-law heated up the pumpkin pie she had fried in the morning. My daughter wanted to eat the pumpkin pie with a fork, but she didn’t know where she threw the fork. . My daughter said loudly: \”I want to use a fork to eat!\” I told my mother-in-law not to look for it, and said to my daughter: \”Either you don\’t eat it, or you eat it with a spoon, and you have to find the fork yourself!\” The child lost his temper and said, \”I don\’t want it myself. Look for it! I don’t want to look for it myself! Grandma, please help me find it! Grandma, please help me find it!” As a result, the mother-in-law searched around but couldn’t find it, and the child began to cry and asked grandma to hug her. The mother-in-law said to her, \”The more you cry, the more I won\’t hug you!\” But the child still cried and said, \”Grandma, I won\’t cry anymore.\” After the mother-in-law washed the dishes, she went to hug her, and her daughter just cried and cried. She asked grandma to help her find a fork and howled for more than half an hour. The reason why I didn\’t help her find a fork was because I wanted her to understand that she had to put her things away and that others were not obligated to help her. Also, I think her habit of ordering adults is very bad, and I want to correct her. But why is it so painful for both me and the child to teach them principles? In fact, this reader’s mother has a good idea of ​​educating her children in daily small things. Every bit of the process of getting along with children affects the children. You can be more refined in your mentality and approach. First, the child asks to eat with a fork. There is nothing wrong with this in itself. It shows that the child has become sensitive to \”order\” at this age, that is, she will think how this thing must be. This is a good thing and is a normal development state at this age. The mother can confirm her first and say: \”Baby, it seems that you think it is more convenient to eat pumpkin pie with a fork, right?\” The child may say, \”Well, I just want to use a fork!\” At this time, you can tell her that she The expression is not friendly enough. You can say: \”But, the baby talks fiercely, and we are not happy to hear it. Ask others to help you, you can be gentler, grandma, can you help me look for it? If you speak like this, others will think you are polite, just I’m willing to help you!” This point points out the problem with the child’s tone of voice. When you say something is wrong to your child, you must also tell her what is right. Children will definitely cry when they can\’t find what they want. You can say: \”Is the fork hidden somewhere by the baby, playing hide and seek with us? How about we look for it together?\” or \”The fork is playing hide and seek with us, and we don\’t want the baby to eat the pumpkin pie! Let\’s use the spoon first Is it good to eat? After you have a full stomach, let\’s go find the fork together, okay?\” Such a tone is from the child\’s perspective, facing and solving problems with her. You can also inspire your children during the search process or after finding the fork. What can she do to prevent this from happening again? You can say, \”This fork is so naughty! Baby, think about where we put it in the future so that we can find it at once the next time we eat.\”Got to it? \”Although I talked about methods and methods before, the reason is that the mentality of parents needs to be adjusted when getting along with their children. As parents, it is easy to communicate with children from the perspective of \”picking\” and \”disciplining\”, and this stance directly determines You and your child are \”opposing characters\”. What you say and do must be condescending judgment and accusatory education. In fact, the world of children does not have as many rules and regulations as our adult world, and it is not even clear what the correct approach is. What, that is, they don’t know what is right or wrong. Parents often ignore the premise that “children’s cognition is still limited” and rush straight to the “error correction” link. So each other uses “emotions” to dialogue and confront, less The first step is understanding and connection. No matter how old the child is, the link of \”connection\” needs to be done, and it is the first step. The specific method of connection can be \”empathy\”, \”praise\” or \”affirmation\” . We will have the illusion that pointing out the problem \”straight to the point\” is the most efficient. But in communication, the straight-to-the-point method is often the least efficient and effective. You see, in nature, rivers always meander towards the sea. Why? ? Because we have to bypass those mountains and various obstacles. The same principle applies to communication. The most efficient way to communicate is to bypass the \”mountains\” in others\’ hearts. Otherwise, it will only arouse each other\’s emotional waves, and end up It doesn’t help. To summarize, here are some of my own experiences in communicating with children: 1) First look at the child’s strengths and point them out clearly and specifically. This step is the process of establishing a connection with the child. Communicate first, then you can communicate. Children are talented It will open the door to your heart and listen to what you are saying. 2) Lower your body and squat down. This is not only about height, but also about mentality. Discipline, criticism, and education are all condescending. In fact, the only thing the child feels is pressure. , there is no \”nutrition\” at all. The equal and peaceful state of parents can help children calm down. 3) When the child cries, talk to the child in a gentle but firm tone. Let the child know that you are helping him solve the problem. Instead of blaming him. Let the child not only understand that the wrong method cannot achieve the goal, but also clearly tell the child, what is the correct method? If you don’t point it out, the child really doesn’t know. This process can be repeated many times. In emotions In the presence of a stable parent, a child\’s emotional regulation ability will gradually increase. 4) After the child\’s mood improves, help him review what just happened through \”asking questions\” and inspire the child to think about how to prevent similar situations from happening in the future. , What methods can be used to solve the problem? Of course, based on the child\’s cognitive limitations, parents can also directly inspire and remind the child that there are other methods to try. In this way, in the companionship, the educational purpose is also achieved, and the two parties also establish a closer relationship. parent-child relationship. Kill multiple birds with one stone. Hope it helps.