When a child loses his temper with you, your first reaction determines whether he will live a frustrated or self-consistent life.

Question: Have any of you here taught your children how to be \”very angry\”? What the hell? You need to be taught if you are angry? The child is getting as bad-tempered as an adult every day. He is either getting angry again or is brewing a tantrum. No need to teach at all! You don’t need to be taught to lose your temper, but you need to be taught to be angry well. 1Two days ago, I witnessed a child-brother war in the community. The reason was that there were 4 little boys with 4 cars. Boy A holds the bus, boy B holds the excavator, boy C holds the bulldozer, and boy D holds the truck. Several people were preparing to play the game of digging, bulldozing, and moving earth on the roadside. Then boy B said, A, your bus is different from ours. It is not a construction site bus and cannot be driven in. A didn\’t speak, just lowered his head and played with himself. After a while, A was \”driving\” his bus to the mound. At this time, B stopped him and said, your car is not like this, and you can\’t play together. A is more introverted than the other three children. After being told something, he would lower his head and play by himself. It was obvious that he wanted to play with everyone. After pulling a few grasses by himself, he wanted to go to the mound to play. But B still stopped him. A still didn\’t say anything, but suddenly hit B with his car. B, who was beaten, ran to his grandma to complain, but the old people didn\’t pay attention. They just yelled from a distance, \”Don\’t hit anyone. If you do it again, you won\’t play with him.\” After B came back, he told A, \”You can\’t hit people. If you hit people, they won\’t play with you.\” Then he told the other two children that if he hits someone, we won’t play with him anymore. It was over. After hearing this, A got up and rushed towards B, and the two immediately struggled with each other. The adult next to him saw this and quickly pulled the two children away. The moment they pulled away, A collapsed and burst into tears. At this time, the old people watching all around said, \”Why are you crying? We all saw it. You made the first move, so you didn\’t suffer a loss.\” I don’t want to debate who is right or wrong about this matter today. I just have two special feelings. It’s hard to describe the suffering of children who don’t know how to get angry. One: If you don’t get angry in social situations, you will be at a disadvantage! Second: If you don’t get angry correctly, small conflicts can easily turn into big conflicts! A has obviously been dissatisfied with B\’s words and deeds for a long time. From the beginning, he said that his car could not join, to the first block, to the second block… but due to limitations in personality or social skills, he did not know how to express it. come out. As a result, there was silence in the early stage and a storm in the later stage. It was precisely because of his lack of performance that the other child did not realize that his words and actions had hurt him. That’s why it happened again and again and again and again. Because only when you say \”I\’m angry\” will the other person know where your boundaries are and what things you should pay attention to. [Anger] allows the other party to have a good grasp of the appropriateness of dealing with each other, which is its value. After all, as long as you get along with others, there will be contradictions and conflicts. It is a process of testing each other\’s bottom line, and there will be areas that make you uncomfortable. And sometimes, speaking nicely doesn’t work. Getting angry out of anger makes it easier to show your boundaries. If we cannot express our anger well and hold it in even when we are unhappy, others will not know your bottom line, and it will be easy to ignore your feelings when getting along, and there will be no restraint on your behavior. Because of your heavyBeing silent is equivalent to allowing others to bully you. Just like an honest person in real life, he would silently tolerate being kicked in the nose or slapped on the face by others. It seems that it doesn\’t matter how you treat him, but until you can\’t bear it anymore, it will be a devastating revenge. Isn\’t this a fool\’s errand? Use other people\’s mistakes to build your own life. 2 But if, when you are first violated or threatened, your angry reaction lets the other person know that \”you have been hurt\” or \”he has gone too far\”, he will have concerns. In this way, we can not only effectively protect our personal space and interests, but also serve as a certain warning to the other party. On the contrary, it helps to establish healthier and equal social relationships. Just like Yu Hua wrote in the book: When we treat the world fiercely, the world suddenly becomes gentle. Although children don\’t have so many scheming minds, they still have the human nature to bully. Sometimes, you can only get the other person\’s attention when you are angry, and only by having a quarrel can you find out each other\’s bottom line. Therefore, a very important topic in childhood is to allow children to be angry and teach them how to get angry well. 3 But it’s a pity, have you noticed? There are too many parents in life who cannot tolerate their children being angry. If your child cries, you will only be a little annoyed at most, but you can probably still patiently coax and carry him for a while. Once a child gets angry and starts to vent his anger, parents can\’t handle it anymore. Saying \”I\’m so angry\” is enough to make parents uneasy. Not to mention, advanced versions of \”I want to hit you\”, \”slam the door\”, \”roar\”, and \”throw things\”. Once the parents\’ fighting spirit is ignited, they have to use some big tricks to end it, including but not limited to: belittling and denying: \”Why are you always angry? What\’s the use of being angry?\” Accusation and criticism: \”It\’s obviously your own problem, but you still get angry.\” He became angry and threatened: \”Let me get rid of your temper.\” \”Try shouting again.\” \”You\’ve become more capable, and you\’ve learned how to throw things. Let\’s see if I don\’t fuck you.\” Why can\’t parents see their children angry? In the final analysis, it is parents who essentially do not recognize or accept negative emotions. Subconsciously, they believe that getting angry and angry are signs of immaturity, and equate expressing anger with aggressive behavior. Because you feel that you are being attacked, you can\’t bear the flames of your anger any longer, so you can\’t help but turn on the fighting mode. There is no way to let the child finish his anger properly. Being angry is instinct, but learning to be angry well is a skill. 4So, how to teach children to be angry? 1 Accept children to express anger. Child psychologist Dr. Deborah McNamara believes that: let the child finish the tantrum, rather than trying to prevent the child from having a tantrum. Because getting angry in itself is harmless, stopping it is. Therefore, the most important step as a parent is to allow children to lose their temper and allow children to lose their temper at us! As long as the child doesn\’t hurt himself or others, he can let his anger fly for a while. \”I\’m wronged, I want to get angry and howl\” \”I\’m so angry, I can\’t help but destroy it\” \”The homework is too difficult to finish, I want to cry\” \”Experiments always fail, I want to throw things\” \”Can\’t buy it I want to sit on the floor and roll around when I want something.\” \”My mother criticizes me, and I want to talk back.\” \”My sister bullies me.\”I want to curse her\” is OK. Let the child know that his parents will accept his emotions unconditionally. This is the first and most important step. We should even encourage the child to find more reasonable ways to release. I often tell CC and DD, when dad and I make you unhappy, you can find more ways to vent your anger, such as smashing pillows, drawing pictures to vilify us, scolding us in your diary… As long as it\’s safe and harmless, you can let out your little emotions. Big emotions will prevent outbursts. 2. Teach children to use language to express anger reasonably. \”Nonviolent Communication\” says: Behind every kind of anger, there are hidden our expectations and needs. Expressing anger is to fully express these expectations and needs. Come out. Children can be angry, irritable, and angry, but they can\’t just be angry. Anger can also be divided into positive anger and passive anger: belittle-you are so annoying! I do not like you! Condemn – Why are you like this? I don’t like to be friends with you! Threat – If you keep doing this, I won’t play with you anymore! The communication language of \”active anger\”: Just remember three points, raise your volume + express feelings + make appeals, and then match the tone according to the intensity of the emotion. \”You hit me, I\’m very angry, I don\’t like what you did, you can\’t do it again\” \”You didn\’t let my car join, I\’m very unhappy, the game is for everyone to play together\”. \”What you do makes me very uncomfortable. I don\’t want to be a soldier all the time.\” \”I\’m so angry that I can\’t take my toys.\” Children don’t need to be taught how to vent their negative emotions. But the point of \”getting angry effectively\” is not just to vent to shock others, but also to \”express\” one\’s inner needs. This is exactly what parents need to do. Let your children know that in addition to aggressive behavior or venting, there are also ways to express anger without hurting the other person. Of course, children will not learn just because you teach them once or twice. They need repeated practice and practice to improve their abilities. It doesn\’t matter if the child doesn\’t perform well when he is confronting other children. We can reenact the situation when we go home. The more times the child learns, the more times he will do it. After all, one of the meanings of childhood is to provide children with countless opportunities for trial and error and repeated practice. There are many dissatisfactions in life, or grievances, frustrations, or anger. Any little thing may ignite a small fire in our hearts. We can teach our children to be gentle, loyal, and emotionally stable. But having a good personality does not mean having no temper, but being able to lose your temper well.