When dealing with adolescent children, parents should have \”fairy thinking\”

During dinner a few days ago, I casually asked Cheng Zi about something he was very concerned about and how it was going recently. Unexpectedly, Chengzi encountered some little trouble in this matter, so I helped him analyze it and give him some ideas. Obviously, for Orange, my perspective is very helpful to him. After a pause, Chengzi talked about another thing that had been bothering him recently. This matter was more complicated and we discussed it for a while. Obviously, he had been holding this in his mind for a few days, and he felt much better after speaking out. My analysis also allowed him to see the problem more comprehensively and avoid the urge to get angry. Teenagers are no longer like children who tell their parents everything. They prefer to keep whatever worries they have in mind, digest it themselves, or tell their peers. The conversation that night seemed like a normal chat, but I regarded it as Cheng Zi’s request for help from me. He paused before speaking, perhaps hesitating whether to ask me for help. Fortunately, I tried my best to accept his request for help, which gave him emotional resonance and a more comprehensive perspective. This incident also reminded me again of the gods in \”Journey to the West\”. Is your thinking span a bit big? Let me tell you in detail. ‍‍PART.2 The four masters and disciples of Tang Monk went to the West to obtain Buddhist scriptures, experienced ninety-nine and eighty-one difficulties, and experienced life and death situations several times. After many adventures, I found a pattern: no matter how dangerous or urgent the situation is, even if Tang Monk, Master and his disciples are hung up, they will be boiled and eaten by monsters the next moment. Those gods with great magical powers never Will show up proactively. Sun Wukong inquired from all sides, traveling thousands of miles from heaven to the sea, and finally found foreign help and asked him to come and rescue him. Most of the following plots are: the gods come, use their magical powers, subdue monsters, Tang Monk and his disciples are rescued, and thank the gods. The god smiled slightly and disappeared. Only the four masters and apprentices were left to tidy up and continue on their way. I have watched \”Journey to the West\” many times since I was a child. Now that I am middle-aged and have an adolescent boy at home, my old mother suddenly saw the novelty of this TV series and found that it actually contains elements of raising adolescent children. The secret. The secret is: to deal with adolescent children, you must have a fairy mind – don\’t ask for help. A teenage child’s self-awareness skyrockets. Even if what you say is reasonable and a hundred times more thoughtful than what he says, if he feels that he has been interfered with and his self-will has been suppressed, it doesn’t matter whether what you say is right or not, he is a Impatient, he will knock you off your feet with just one sentence: \”Leave it alone!\” At this time, the old mother is often very hurt: I am doing this for his own good, am I not helping him? Why doesn\’t this kid listen? In fact, it’s not because what you said is wrong, it’s probably because you intervened too early and too much. You help people before they even ask for help. People only need three points of help, but you can give them seven points. This helping action itself invades the child\’s autonomous space. Sometimes, we have to let the child move forward on his own first, even if he takes some detours and suffers some hardships. When he needs help, we help him, and this \”help\” can really play a role. Moreover, this action of \”asking for help\” is an expression of the child\’s autonomous consciousness – it is up to him to decide when to ask for help, how to ask for help, and to what extent he wants to ask for help.of. We have to give our children this space. After Chengzi entered high school, he was obviously more autonomous than when he was in junior high school. There were several frictions between us, which were all caused by my inertia and too much help. Therefore, I often remind myself now: Have a fairy mind and never ask for help. PART.3 If you keep thinking about it, there will be repercussions. What’s interesting is that this fairy thinking has been further developed. Some time ago, Orange School held a parent-teacher meeting, and the school’s psychology teacher gave a lecture on how to get along with adolescent children, summarizing it in thirteen words. When I heard this, my eyes suddenly lit up – is this inappropriate thinking of the gods in \”Journey to the West\”? And it is more precise and comprehensive than I can summarize. These thirteen words are: Don’t ask for help, be able to fight when you come, and don’t hesitate to fight when things are done. I think it is most appropriate to use it on adolescent children. Let’s say it sentence by sentence. Let’s start with “no help without asking.” As mentioned before, adolescent children have a heightened sense of self and are very sensitive to interference from others. Therefore, parents should not appear to be more caring than their children in everything, handing them pillows as soon as they yawn, or even forcing pillows over them before they even yawn. This is all about imposing the parents\’ will on the children\’s will, and treating the parents\’ needs as the children\’s needs. This is also a manifestation of unclear boundaries, which often leads to resistance and resistance from the children. As a result, the problem is not solved, and parents and children become anxious and pale at first. If you don’t ask for help, then you don’t care about anything? of course not. We usually need to pay more attention to the state of our children, as long as the general direction is OK. When children complain, we should be more sympathetic and don\’t rush to make suggestions and solve problems rationally. Many times, children just complain and vent. And in the process, he is mobilizing his inner energy to practice coping. This is an opportunity for growth. PART.4 Let’s talk about “you can fight when you come”. When a child seeks help from his parents directly or tactfully, it means that he can no longer hold on. At this time, parents should work hard, stand on their children\’s side, and give their full support. This support means that parents use their own experience and mature minds to accompany their children emotionally, cognitively help them refine the problem, analyze it in depth, and explore more appropriate solutions together. Sometimes, we may not have enough ability to completely help our children solve practical problems, and some things cannot be solved overnight. However, parents must stand by their children in attitude and emotion, and accompany their children to explore together. way out. With parents as a backer and a retreat, children will have more courage and strength to face difficulties. In reality, many parents are just the opposite. When a child asks for help, he not only refuses to help, but also damages himself internally. For example, a child doesn\’t get along well with his classmates and is very upset about it. One day he finally can\’t help but mention it to his parents. As a result, my parents came up and said: Your main task now is to study, why do you care about them? You spend all day worrying about these miscellaneous things, why aren\’t you so focused on studying? What do you think will happen to the child? He will definitely remind himself to remember and never ask for help next time. No matter how big the problem is, he will keep his mouth shut. Because he knows that from his parents he not only getsIf you get help, you will be scolded, so why bother? Adolescent children are both dependent and independent. Although they are usually cool and cool, when they encounter problems, they actually hope to get the support of their parents and need their parents to support them. This will give him more courage to deal with difficult situations. PART.5 In the end, there is no fighting when things are done. When the problem is solved, what parents have to do is to get the job done without fighting – to leave behind and hide their achievements and fame. Why should we emphasize this point? Because some parents are prone to superfluous things and make amends afterwards: Look, you just didn’t listen to what I said before. Now there’s a problem. If we hadn’t helped you solve it, what might have happened. Or they can\’t help but teach them earnestly: You have to remember this matter. You see how troublesome it is. You can\’t do this again in the future… Parents have good intentions and hope that their children will have a long memory and not fall into the same pit again, but these In other words, all the previous efforts made by the parents are almost offset. In \”Journey to the West\”, look at which god, after lending a helping hand, earnestly taught Tang Monk: Look, if it weren\’t for me, you would have been eaten by monsters today. You must be more vigilant in the future and don\’t be easily fooled again… He just smiled and walked away, leaving only Tang Seng and his disciples grateful, and gradually growing up through hardships again and again. Teenagers, after going through all these twists and turns, actually understand more or less in their hearts. Maybe it’s just words, maybe actions haven’t caught up, maybe we’ll fall into the same pit, but isn’t this growth? Rising in a spiral, advancing in waves. We must learn from the gods, be able to let go, and endure anxiety – there is still a long way to go. PART.6 I found that many adolescent children have problems because their parents\’ approach is exactly the opposite of the fairy thinking: help without asking for help, and the help is not enough, and often it is blind help. Don\’t let go when things are done, chattering all kinds of things. In the final analysis, it is the adhesion of the parent-child relationship. Parents dare not let go, interfere too much, and do not have clear and refreshing boundaries, resulting in children who cannot be truly independent psychologically, and are either rebellious or lying down, and unable to mature mentally. Therefore, when dealing with adolescent children, it is best for parents to position themselves in the position of gods-grow themselves well, practice internal skills, pay close attention to their children, and even if they remind them, they will only ask for help. If the child really encounters a difficulty, we can fight it if we fight for it. You see, no matter how anxious the gods in \”Journey to the West\” are, they can\’t replace Tang Monk and his disciples in going to the West to learn scriptures, nor can they stop them from falling into the trap of monsters. These eighty-eight thousand miles must be walked step by step by Master Tang Seng and his disciples. These ninety-nine and eighty-one difficulties are destined to be passed one by one in order to obtain the true scripture. This is the only way to grow. What we have to do is support and protect with boundaries.