When encountering parent-child conflicts, is there a solution that satisfies everyone? some

This article was written after participating in the PET refresher training two years ago. I was not very satisfied with what I wrote before, so I kept putting it off. The two children were not feeling well these days and had no time to write. When I found this article, I felt that The writing is okay. The third method is often used by PET when faced with conflicting needs. According to teacher An An, I have consciously used the third method with my children to solve problems since childhood. When the children grow up, they will not panic or be timid when facing problems, and believe that \” There are always more solutions than problems.\” You will become a person who can stand alone. During this period, I often use it when communicating with Xiaopai, and I would like to share it with you, hoping it will inspire you. Your child is 5 years old and refuses to take medicine. What will you do? At a rare gathering with a few friends who are also mothers, someone raised this difficult question that would scare most parents. Everyone’s answers fully demonstrated the hardships and twists and turns of the solution process. First, coax: Baby, you are awesome, we are very brave. Another lie: Don’t be afraid, this medicine is not bitter and you can finish it in one sip. Then he reasoned: If you are sick, you can only get better after drinking medicine… A good-tempered mother will also patiently play role-playing: I am a bacteria, and I am acting as a monster in your stomach. Please drink medicine to kill me. However, the opponent was too fierce and the resistance was too fierce. The mother who asked the question reluctantly said that I had tried all these methods, but almost all of them had no effect. In the end, I could only show the knife-forced penetration! One hand trapped the body, and the other hand pried open the small mouth. With a confrontation of disparity in strength and a few feeble calls for help, the battle ended. Both adults and children have exhausted their last drop of blood. Yuanyuan\’s mother, who had participated in PET with me, asked her, \”Have you ever tried it? What can you do to ask your child?\” I smiled knowingly, haha, for me, this heuristic question is too familiar. PET teacher also asked us this in class and told us a vivid story. There was also a mother who wanted to feed her son medicine, but the son resisted stubbornly and would rather die than obey. She told her son, \”Mom wants you to take medicine, but you don\’t want to take it. Let\’s find a way together.\” With his mother\’s encouragement, his son\’s brain opened up and he came up with many wild ideas. One of them is: take the medicine to the market and drink it in front of the vegetable seller. When the mother saw it, she felt that this method was weird and feasible, and she could accept it, so she followed her son\’s instructions and took the medicine to the vegetable vendor. As a result, the son did not break his promise and drank the medicine in one sip. Surprised or not? Is it surprising? Isn’t God miraculous? One mother in the class was very excited. She accidentally used a similar method to let her son who refused to take medicine find a way on his own. Unexpectedly, my son thought seriously for a while and said, \”Then I want Ultraman to drink with me.\” Mom readily agreed and immediately took out Ultraman and stood it on the dining table. Under Ultraman\’s watchful eye, his son drank the medicine in a slurp. He also brought the empty bowl to Ultraman for him to look at, and proudly said to him: \”Ultraman, I\’ve finished drinking it. It\’s Isn’t that great!” You see, children really have their own ways. When encountering irreconcilable conflicts, we often put all our energy into confronting each other, always thinking about how to make the other party compromise and how to make the other party listen to us. But in fact, demand does not respond toWrong. Children have the right to demand that their needs be met, and parents do not have to sacrifice themselves all the time for their children. Everyone\’s needs should be respected. If we can focus on how to solve the problem and fully negotiate, then we can always find a solution acceptable to both parties. This way of thinking is the third method in PET – there is a third method for everything. The third method is a method with no losers. Some mothers may say that they often discuss and negotiate conditions with their children, but sometimes the results are not ideal, and the children will still bargain. The third method, which we often call \”negotiating conditions\”, looks similar, but is actually different. During negotiations, everyone is offering their own price, and the ultimate goal is to maximize their own interests. If your conditions are not enough to attract your child, of course he will not be willing to follow your methods. One day, the child\’s conditions will become higher and higher, and you will eventually be unable to meet them. The third method is to find a balance point based on taking into account the needs of both parties. Without wronging either party, both parties will naturally be satisfied. It sounds like the third method is very magical, so how to do it specifically? The first step is to find out the core needs of both parties. This step seems simple, but in practice, it can easily go astray. Just after the winter vacation, when school started, Xiaopai woke up in the morning and was a little slow to get dressed. He deliberately delayed the time and almost was late several times. I couldn\’t help but make a judgment in my mind: She didn\’t want to go to school, but she didn\’t know why. I observed silently and remained calm. One morning she was lingering again and getting angry at her dad for no reason. I sat down and said to her, \”It seems like you don\’t really want to go to school.\” \”I hate going to school! I hate it! I want to be at home. Play!\” \”Yeah, at home, I don\’t have to go to class, it\’s relaxed and comfortable.\” \”At home, I can be like Ning Ning, letting you always accompany me!\” \”Oh, you want me to accompany Ning Ning Same, stay with you.\” \”Yeah! I\’m so jealous of Ning Ning, you are with her every day.\” At that moment, I suddenly realized. Her real need is not that she doesn\’t want to go to school, but that she wants me to spend more time with her. Many times, we may be misled by children\’s words and behaviors, misjudge the core needs, and naturally cannot find the correct solution. What the child says at first may only be expressing emotions rather than telling all the facts. Their true desires are like the core of an onion, wrapped in layers of onion skins, waiting for us to discover them. Only by listening carefully to the child first and listening without judgment can we peel the onion and find the child\’s true desire. After finding the needs of both parties, the second step is to brainstorm solutions. What the third method encourages is not that parents have figured out a way for their children to choose, but that children should think of ways themselves and think as much as possible. Regardless of whether it is feasible or effective, don\’t rush to deny it. Of course, children\’s abilities are limited and they may not be able to mention it all at once. At this time, we need our encouragement and weakness, and we can use our advice to attract others. Last Saturday, Xiaopai wanted me to take her to the science center, but I had a classmate from Beijing.You have come all the way to see me at home. So, I told her, let’s find a solution together. At first, Xiaopai couldn\’t figure it out, so I deliberately teased her and said, let Ningning accompany you instead of mother. Xiaopai burst out laughing and said, \”It\’s better to let Lisa accompany me, I can hold her and play.\” In the end, she came up with the idea of ​​accompanying me to meet her classmates at home first, and then after I finished meeting her classmates, I would take her to the science center if there was still time. If there was not enough time, let her dad take her there. Is this method very old-fashioned? In fact, parents can figure it out just by talking about it, but if you tell your child, she probably won\’t be willing to do it. Only the way she thinks of herself will make her children feel that she has privileges and that she is taking the initiative, and she will be more willing to do it. This is the charm of the third method. If we have enough time, we can wait until we have seven or eight solutions before we start honestly evaluating them. Why be honest? Because sometimes, in order to achieve a superficial consensus, we unknowingly force ourselves and our children to compromise. But people who always compromise will feel like they are being sacrificed. Over a long period of time, they will accumulate a lot of resentment and it will explode at any time. Only by choosing a method that everyone sincerely accepts can it be implemented smoothly. Of course, during the implementation process, if it is found that this method is not the best, it can be adjusted and improved again. At this point, a complete third method is completely completed. The third method requires children to have certain language skills and is more suitable for older children, but it does not mean that it cannot be used by infants and young children. If the child is too young, it is okay for the parents to take the initiative to think of several ways for the child to choose. Of course, the third method cannot be successful every time, but it provides a new way of solving problems: the demand itself is not right or wrong. Even if there is a conflict, it is not either win or lose. Every time we are willing to squat down and use the third method with our children, we are conveying equality and respect to our children, depositing money in our relationship bank, and depositing money in our cup of love. water. It is in such conflicts that we understand each other better, and in finding balance again and again, our hearts get closer and closer. What our children will eventually realize is that we may have differences in opinions, but there will never be differences in the love between us.