When faced with disobedient children, this \”empathy technique\” is 10,000 times more effective than reasoning

To be fair, what is cut off is the parent-child link. A few days ago, I took my son to the supermarket to buy something. Suddenly I heard a burst of crying. It seemed that the situation was probably that a little boy really wanted a car toy, but his mother refused to buy it. At first, the mother was quite patient and patiently reasoned with the little boy: \”We have so many small cars at home, we can\’t buy any more.\” \”Look, this car is so small, and I don\’t think it looks good at all. But seeing the little boy insisting on holding the toy, the mother became anxious: \”Tell me, what\’s going on?\” \”Why can\’t I explain it to you?\” \”Why don\’t you just stay in the toy store?\” \”You can\’t leave, or I won\’t let you go!\” The little boy cried loudly, and the mother took the toys away from the child, put them on the shelf, and then dragged the little boy away. Just when I was stunned, my son grabbed my hand and said, \”Mom, that little brother must be very sad.\” Yes! Looking at the mother and son walking away, I felt very sorry for the little boy who was dragged away. I also deeply felt how helpless this mother was who \”said a lot of truth but it was completely useless\”… I remembered watching During \”Studying with Mom\”, mother Li Na was immersed in her own logic and shouted at her son: \”Why does mom work so hard?\” \”Isn\’t it just to let you get the best education and go to the best school?\” You have good food and a good house. Mom is doing this for your own good.\” In the end, the son was forced to slam the door and leave, and he even staged a \”school violence\” incident with his friends to force the mother back. Li Na couldn\’t wait to pass on all her experiences and lessons to her son, giving him the best future. But she didn\’t know that every time she preached self-righteously, she hurt the already precarious relationship between mother and child. Empathy is a tool for repairing parent-child relationships. I was reading \”Emile\” recently. In the book, Rousseau always mentioned that reasoning with children is a very stupid thing and is the most useless education. He also said: \”We always look for adults in children, but we never think that he is just a child before he becomes an adult…\” The word truth seems to never enter the child\’s heart. You might as well look at that sad child, What are you thinking about? When I was a child, many people nicknamed me \”Raishi\” because of my name. I was very angry but didn\’t know what to do, so I behaved very fiercely. I would throw a book at anyone who called me that. One time, the teacher happened to be passing by and somehow hit her. The teacher asked me to go to the office. I was so scared that I shrank all over and didn\’t even dare to raise my head. I thought the teacher would criticize me severely, but she seemed to see through my mind. She gently took my hand and said to me: Don\’t be afraid, I know you didn\’t mean it just now. Hearing her say this, the grievances in my heart burst out all of a sudden, and I cried loudly. She hugged me immediately, comforted me and said: Don\’t worry, tell the teacher slowly. That was the first time I felt deeply accepted. She made me feel that I was not a bad boy and that I had the right to lose my temper… I am full of gratitude to that teacher, until I think about it now They all feel very warm. determines whether children grow upIt’s those principles, but everything the child sees and feels. The so-called empathy is such a power that nourishes children. It may seem simple, but in reality, we may often fall into it. Once, my son was unhappy after returning from a relative\’s house because his robot was broken. The father wanted to understand his child\’s feelings, so he opened his mouth and said: \”I know you are very sad that your robot was damaged. Please remember it next time!\” It turned out that it was okay if he didn\’t say it, but his son started crying when he said it. My husband looked helpless: \”Empathy is useless!\” This is not empathy, it is wrong. Empathy is useless! If you use sentence patterns mechanically and say to your child that I understand how you feel, but in your heart you are thinking, \”You have to learn a lesson,\” the child will not feel that he or she is being seen. If you want to \”empathize\” with children, you must control the consciousness and subtext of preaching. To have good empathy, you must learn to listen actively. When it comes to parenting issues, many parents are impatient. Often, before the child even opens his mouth, we are already impatient; we can\’t wait for the child to say one thing, but we will crackle with ten words. How could that child be willing to open up to us? In PET, Thomas Gordon believes that active listening is our \”stepping stone\” to children\’s hearts, but unfortunately, we often throw \”stumbling blocks\” to children\’s communication. For example: 1. Orders and instructions: You should clean up your house now… 2. Warnings and threats: If you don\’t clean up your house quickly, I will confiscate your toys. 3. Preaching and teaching: Cleaning the house is a basic virtue of a person, you should insist on it every day… 4. Criticism and accusation: You just want to be lazy. 5. Abuse and ridicule: You lazy guy, you are so bad. 6. Investigate and question: Why don’t you clean up the house? 7. Sympathy: It’s not a big deal, just be happy. In addition, there are also diverting attention, directly providing solutions to the child, and approving and praising for no reason… These stumbling blocks not only fail to understand the child, but will make the child either feel abandoned or worried that his parents will not like him. Falling into anxiety, sadness, or feeling misunderstood, which can lead to even greater anger. Good active listening should be like a \”door handle\”, giving children the power to communicate, easing their emotions, and helping them solve their own problems. Tornas Gordon suggests that when a child encounters difficulties, we just need to describe the behavior the child mentioned, interpret his emotions at the time, and express our feelings. But be careful not to make any comments about it. He suggested that we can express it like this: 1. About… (behavior or event) you feel… (emotional words such as sad, angry, etc.) 2. It sounds like… (behavior or event) makes you very… (expression of emotion) Vocabulary) 3. You are very… (vocabulary expressing feelings) because… (behavior or event) It is just a few simple sentences, but it can help children very well. I have a particularly profound feeling. Feel. Just a few days ago, my son who came back from the neighbor\’s house was obviously depressed. Shoes and toys were kicked everywhere, and he threw himself into my arms. I hugged him and said: Do you feel sad now? (Trying to listen actively) The son bit his lip and said: Well, I don’t want to play with Xiaoxing (neighbor child) anymore. I said: Oh, you are a little angry with him, so much so that you don’t really want to play with him. (Interpreting the child\’s behavior and emotions) The son nodded: Yes, but if he doesn\’t play with me anymore, I won\’t have other friends to play with. I said: Well, you don’t like playing alone either. (Continuing to listen actively) The son sighed and said: Yes, in fact, I played well with Xiaoxing before, but this time he didn\’t listen to me. I said: It seems that you want to get along with him, but you also hope that Xiaoxing will listen to your ideas. (Continues to listen actively) Son: Yes, it has always been like this before. If I don\’t have to let Xiaoxing listen to me, can we still play together? I nodded: You are thinking that if you can listen to Xiaoxing\’s thoughts, you can still be good friends. (Continuing to listen actively) My son smiled: Yes, that’s right, I’ll give it a try next time. It only took less than 20 minutes for my son\’s mood to go from frustrated to angry to calm and happy, but I saw the miraculous changes that active listening brought to the child. The reason why it works well, I think, is because it conveys such an attitude to children: 1. You encounter some difficulties, but you are capable of solving it; 2. You have some bad feelings, but no matter how bad they are, I can accept everything; 3. I don’t think you are wrong, and I respect your feelings. As Carl Rogers, the father of humanism, said: If someone listens to you, doesn’t judge you, doesn’t worry about you, and doesn’t want to change you, How wonderful this is… Indeed, when children can be listened to and understood by us, and their negative emotions are seen, those seemingly black vitality can flow and be transformed into living vitality. All these powers of empathy will not only help children face their own emotions, but also teach them to think and analyze. And when a child has enough strength, he will be better able to cope with any difficulties in the future. Don\’t be anxious, take your time, listen to him, empathize with him, and feel a parent-child relationship that should be warm and uplifting.