When I learned \”Merabin\’s Law\”, my child\’s rebelliousness disappeared

After my son entered fourth grade, he started to become rebellious. No matter what I say, he talks back. I asked him to finish his homework before playing, and he would yell at me: Why are you in such a hurry? It\’s also my fault that I can\’t finish my homework. When I asked him to go out for exercise on weekends, he said, \”You know how to take care of me all day long, why don\’t you go by yourself?\” During the holidays, I stayed at home all day, and if I even said a few words to him, he would be very annoying to me. Sometimes I would just lock the door and not let anyone in… My son really made me collapse and helpless. So I often wonder: Why do children have to be rebellious when they grow up? It wasn\’t until I learned about \”Merabin\’s Law\” that I realized: If you don\’t understand the progressive sense of communication in the parent-child relationship, you can\’t educate your children well. American psychology professor Melabin once proposed a \”Merabin\’s Law\”: In interpersonal communication, only 7% is conveyed through language, 38% is conveyed through voice, and 55% is conducted through body language. Looking back, when educating our children, we always get the order wrong: we are always used to talking a lot, and our voices get louder and louder when talking to our children, but we rarely hug or touch our children, and the only body language we have is Fingers and slaps. The child is not allowed to feel love during communication, so he becomes more and more disgusted. When I truly learned \”Merabin\’s Law\”, I discovered that parent-child communication is actually very simple. Before speaking out about feelings increases the emotional flow between me and my children, I always like to nag in front of my son. When my son does his homework and his handwriting is not correct, I will remind him repeatedly and ask him to erase and rewrite. Every day, his dirty clothes would be thrown away, and I would criticize him and call him sloppy. However, even if he talks about the same problem every day, he still doesn\’t change. Instead, he sometimes finds me particularly annoying. I urge him to do homework, study, and eat every day, but the more \”dedicated\” I am, the more annoying he feels about me. For a long time, I felt particularly frustrated. I even thought, \”Does it really mean that the more you do, the more annoying you become?\” In fact: the more you talk, the easier it is for children to feel antagonistic. An educator summarized this passage: Although many parents talk a lot, they are not concise, and their words are always mixed with criticism and accusation, making their children lose their sense of value. If you are at home, no matter how much you say, your children will not listen. The reasons may be: 1. The language is too dense, the volume is high, and the words you say have no quality. Saying one thing over and over again is like \”a fly buzzing\” in a child\’s ears, which will only make him feel disgusted and stay away. One netizen said: I remember when I was young, my sister and I were sitting there playing while my mother was cleaning. She would scold her: \”I don\’t know how to read and study. I only know how to play all day long. I\’m so exhausted that I\’ll forget it.\” Then, she would talk a lot, and my sister and I would just hide in the room. Many parents feel: As long as I care about my children, it doesn\’t matter if I say more. However, talking more does not mean there is more love. Nagging parents will make the parent-child relationship lack the flow of love. No matter how much you say, if you are unable to express your needs, others will only feel irritated. 2. Talking too much makes children feel anxious. There is a neighbor whose children are very smart. However, when she comes home every day, she has to ask her children a lot about their performance in school, how they are doing in class, and is afraid of her grades.behind. At first, her baby was normal. However, after a long time, her children began to resent their parents asking questions every day. Because she always criticizes the child when he gives a bad answer and tells the child what he should do next time. Slowly, the child began to fear grades, and eventually his grades declined. Research shows that too much verbal communication can make children anxious. Asking too many questions and speaking too frequently will cause children to have a psychological state of \”parents don\’t trust me\”, and then instinctively resent and reject them, and eventually become rebellious. In parent-child communication, words should be precise rather than abundant. Only if you can express your feelings in the fewest words can communication continue. After I learned to \”talk less\”, I found that my son\’s ears could \”hear better\”. I said to him: If you throw dirty clothes everywhere, it will be difficult for me to clean up; your handwriting has improved, but if you write these words better, it will be perfect… I found that as long as you say this again, Not only will my son not be disgusted, he will correct it quickly. Therefore, we only need to say \”what we want to express\” and bury the unnecessary words in our stomach. Give each other a clean language environment so that you and your child can have emotional flow. Teaching in a low voice makes children feel respected. I think I am a particularly emotionally unstable mother. Especially every time I help my child with homework, I will be very gentle at first, but as long as the child makes a mistake, I can\’t help but shout at him loudly. The result is often that he is unhappy and I am very angry. I found that as long as I speak well, his homework efficiency will be easier, better and faster; but once I yell at him or scold him, he will shrink his head into a ball and don\’t know how to write. We always believe that the louder the voice, the better the educational effect. However, when our education becomes a battle of voices, the child will only have two results: 1. The child will be frightened by you and full of fear. Then he would act based on our faces, and his attention could no longer be on his studies. He felt all over his body that his parents were yelling at him and scolding him because they didn\’t like him, and all his energy was spent on dealing with my anger. 2. Your child gets irritated and yells back at you. He may know that he is at fault, but after being irritated, he also learns the pattern of his parents and only thinks about how to confront you, so he will become more and more rebellious. The louder the voice, the easier it is to arouse the other party\’s dissatisfaction and rebellious psychology. Sometimes children appear calm on the surface, but secretly harbor silent anger. Once it breaks out, they can hurt others and themselves. Psychologists have found that when dealing with the same thing, different tones will have different effects. The lower the volume, the easier it is to conquer others. This is because: on the one hand, in a low-pitched education state, parents are usually more likely to stay rational and emotionally calm, thereby reducing the emergence of children\’s resistance and rebellious psychology. On the other hand, even criticizing children in a low voice will make parents full of empathy in education, allowing children to feel respected and at the same time be able to realize their own mistakes and find solutions. Teacher Fan Deng once said: The person with the smallest voice should be the person with the most power in the family. When you lower your voice, even if you appear stern, it will make your child feel respected and he will be more willing to listen to you.education. In the past, when I yelled at my son, he would still say at first: \”Mom, I\’m listening, are you still yelling?\” Later, when I yelled at him, he couldn\’t speak anymore, but he would pretend not to hear, and then refuse to talk to me. I spoke. When I learned to speak to him in a low voice, he became more and more obedient. For example: My son used to be very lazy. Every time I asked him to get up and tidy the room, he would not listen. When I yelled, he would make a face and ignore me. Later, I started to talk to him: \”Your room is a bit messy. You should learn to tidy it up yourself. I believe you can do a good job.\” When I lowered my voice, he became obedient and his actions changed. Very positive. Every child hopes to be respected by others, including parents, and this kind of respect and trust starts from \”you talk to him gently\”. Education in a low voice will give children confidence and is an important motivation for them to move forward. Make good use of body language to make children feel that \”he is being loved.\” Educator Sun Yunxiao proposed a quantitative standard: a child needs 4 hugs a day to survive, 8 hugs to persist, and 16 hugs to grow. Hugs, touches, smiles, and eye contact are collectively referred to as \”body language\” and are the most direct way for children to obtain love. However, 90% of parents ignore its existence. There was a little girl who was bullied at school. When she came home, she did not tell her mother, but said to her mother: \”Mom, you haven\’t hugged me for a long time. Can you hug me?\” At that time, her mother was holding her brother in her arms and looked impatient: You How old is it that you still need to be hugged? Are you ashamed? Just play by yourself. After listening, the little girl turned and left silently. Many parents think that hugging and touching are what babies need. In fact, body language can convey a sense of \”empathy\” between parents and children, is the emotional expression of parents to their children, and is the most direct way for children to gain a sense of security. Even for an adult, being hugged by others will make him feel warm inside, let alone a child! A study by German brain scientists has confirmed that hugging can transmit a kind of oxytocin to children\’s brains, which can give people a sense of trust and security, because it affects the secretion of dopamine, and at the same time, the brain will have \”happy\” and \”relaxed\” emotions , it will also have a positive impact on the human immune system. If you want to make the parent-child relationship better and better, body language is an essential \”communication skill\”. When you learn to use body language to communicate, you will find: 1. A smile full of love makes children feel happy. Because parents’ smiles represent love, strength, encouragement and trust. 2. When speaking, the concern in your eyes allows the child to feel empathy. The communication of eyes will make the child feel noticed, seen and respected. 3. Loving hugs and touches convey a sense of security. When a child is in trouble, makes a mistake, or is sad, verbal comfort will only make the child feel: My parents don\’t understand me, and it won\’t work at all. Frequent hugging and touching are a kind of silent comfort, conveying to the child a sense of security that \”mother is always here\” and making the child feel that \”I am loved\”. This is the simplest way of motivation and can provide Children save strength. Therefore: When communicating with children, parents must try their best toUse body language as much as possible to communicate with the child: talk to the child: look into his eyes to make him feel respected; when the child is sad: hug him to make him feel cared about; when you want to encourage him: touch him to give him strength and confidence. Body language is the most direct way to convey emotions between parents and children. Through touching, hugging, and paying attention, children can awaken their sense of security. Professor Li Meijin once said: When children talk back, the first reason is that their parents are unqualified. When parents do not educate their children well, it is not actually the child who has a problem, but the parents who teach them incorrectly. The focus of the parent-child relationship is not what we give to our children, but the state we present when we are with our children. Therefore, every parent must do this: speak less but more accurately, and being \”silent\” appropriately will make your children trust you; the lower the volume, the easier it is for your children to accept and change; touching and hugging your children more lovingly can better encourage children to trust you. Each other\’s emotions flow. As the saying goes: \”Be close to the teacher and believe in the teaching.\” Only when teachers and students have a harmonious relationship and students are willing to get close to teachers can education take place. The same thing: Only parents who have a sense of intimacy can keep their children close to you.