When I relentlessly gave up the habit of repeatedly reminding my son, his own sense of responsibility finally came out, and his internal drive also exploded.

I don’t know when my son started to become more and more difficult to discipline! As long as I said a few more words, he would look unhappy and slam the door directly. I am only in my first year of junior high school, and I am so rebellious. I really don’t know how I will spend the next few years. I really miss him in primary school. At that time, my son was always at the top of his class, well-behaved and sensible. He was willing to do whatever I said and never talked back. Unlike now, if he doesn’t do well in exams, he won’t let anyone complain. Because my husband and I love our son very much, we have taken good care of him since he was a child. We have to give instructions on everything, for fear that he will not do well. Almost every day, I tell my son: remember to chew slowly when eating and don’t be in a hurry; the weather is changeable, so bring more clothes, put them on when it’s cold and take them off when it’s hot; there are many cars on the road, so you should pay more attention to the road when riding a bicycle. ; Listen carefully in school, don’t slack off, and get along well with your classmates; By the way, have you brought all your textbooks? Have you missed your homework? What makes me happy is that my son has been very stable throughout elementary school. He has never caused me any big trouble, and his academic performance has basically remained in the top 5 in the class. Every time I mention him, my husband and I Very pleased. However, since my son entered junior high school, I have clearly felt that he has changed. He is turning a deaf ear to my words more and more, and he no longer respects me as before. For example: while watching TV after school, I reminded him three or four times to do his homework, but my son seemed not to hear and did not respond or move. It wasn\’t until I forcibly turned off the TV that he ran back to the room angrily. Sometimes when he comes home late, I will worry and say: \”Why are you back so late? You didn\’t cause any trouble outside, right? Don\’t run around alone in the future, it\’s so dangerous.\” This is a normal concern every day. Unexpectedly, after hearing this, my son suddenly became very irritable and shouted at me: \”Can you please leave me alone!\” That voice and attitude made me instantly shocked and unfamiliar. What worries me the most is that in the latest exam, my son’s score dropped by more than 10 places, and he didn’t even pass the English exam. I was anxious and angry and asked him: Why did he do so poorly in the exam this time? What did you listen to during class? Are you worried about something recently? How many times have I told you that you must study hard? Have all the wrong questions been corrected? Don\’t forget to review your English… But before I finished speaking, my son interrupted me impatiently and shouted: Why are you so annoyed? You just failed the test once. I\’ve had enough! After saying that, he angrily returned to his room and closed the door with a bang. Situations like this have become more and more frequent recently, and my son gets angry at every turn, which makes me feel very baffled. The point is, I didn\’t do anything wrong. I just cared about him as usual and asked about his study and life. I really can’t understand: How could a good child suddenly become like this? Seeing that my son is about to enter the second grade of junior high school, I feel extremely anxious. If this continues, my studies will really be wasted. In order to change my son and the current situation, I had to take the initiative to learn about the methods of educating adolescent children. Over the past month, I gradually understood the root of the problem. It turns out that the reason why my son became irritable and rebellious was partly due toBecause the mood in adolescence is easy to fluctuate, and on the other hand, it is because of my \”excessive concern\” and \”repeated reminders\”. This made the son feel like he was being monitored and controlled all the time, and he felt nervous and anxious. At the same time, the thoughts of \”Mom doesn\’t trust me\”, \”Mom doesn\’t approve of me\”, \”Mom is always denying me\” quietly grew in his heart. Negative thoughts. Over time, a child can easily fall into a whirlpool of self-doubt and self-denial, which not only hurts his self-esteem but also weakens his autonomy. Looking back on every detail of my son\’s growth, my tireless \”care\” and \”reminders\” are just like Tang Monk reciting a tightening mantra. Every day when my son comes home from school, I have to repeat several times: \”Hey, why are you playing again? Have you finished your homework? Go do your homework quickly!\” And: \”I have said it so many times, you watch too much TV, right?\” My eyes are not good, so quickly turn off the TV and read a book.\” In the evening, he kept reminding me: \”What time is it? It\’s time to wash up and have a rest. You have to get up early tomorrow; drink more water and remember to go to the toilet at night…\” \”When my son didn\’t want to study, I opened my mouth and said, \”If a young man doesn\’t work hard, he will be in trouble! Study hard now, and you won\’t regret it in the future, or it will be too late…\” As everyone knows, these seem to be. Behind the little things \”for your own good\”, I actually hide my distrust of my son and the urge deep in my heart to control him. In psychology, this is called \”gentle bondage,\” which gradually erodes the child\’s freedom and self-identity in a seemingly harmless way. When he was a child, he was not yet mentally mature, so he was naturally obedient and easy to discipline. But as his son entered adolescence, the situation became completely different. His self-awareness gradually awakens, he becomes more and more eager to be independent, and he is eager to prove his growth through actions. But I still reminded him everywhere and interfered with him frequently as I did in the past. This not only undermined his self-confidence and concentration, but also made my son feel frustrated and frustrated, which made him even more disgusted and resistant to my \”good intentions.\” No wonder, the more \”interested\” I am in my son, the more bored he becomes. Thinking about it now, his behavior of deliberately going against me and doing wrong things was actually his own way of fighting against me, trying to get rid of my excessive attention and control. Now I finally understand that it is not my son who should change, but my own way of education. 1. Stop nagging, understand and respect your child’s feelings, and build a trusting relationship. Real concern is to deeply understand and respect your son\’s inner feelings, rather than blindly controlling him or putting pressure on him through constant reminders. I want to believe that he has the ability to handle his own affairs and give him enough space and freedom. That day, I took the initiative to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with my son, sincerely apologized to him, and told him that my mother would make changes from now on. We agreed that in the days to come, I would be a \”lazy mother\” and no longer remind and nag me about everything as I did in the past. I would give him more freedom and personal space so that he could learn to manage his own life and life independently. study. After school, it was already 8 o\’clock, and my son hadn\’t started to do his homework yet. I resisted not urging him, but said gently: \”Mom, I believe you can plan your own homework time.\” After I said that, IJust went to sleep. As for how late my son stayed up, I didn’t ask much, but I knew he finally finished it. The next morning, I just yelled to get up. After he got up slowly, he left without having time to have breakfast. I didn\’t blame him, I just asked with concern: \”Are you hungry this morning?\” When the weather got colder, I no longer asked my son to put on more clothes over and over again, but told him: The temperature has dropped today and it may rain. . At the weekend, my son said he wanted to go out to play ball. Instead of repeatedly telling him to wear sneakers, bring a water bottle, and remember to wipe his sweat as usual, I simply asked: \”When will you be back? I can prepare lunch.\” After a few days, I I feel like my son’s eyes are much softer when he looks at me. In the past, he wanted to run away as soon as I started nagging; but now, he not only takes the initiative to chat with me about interesting things that happened in school, but also no longer rushes to hide in his room after school, but is more willing to stay in the living room. a while. Until one day, my son said to me with a smile on his face: \”Mom, you have really changed. I like you so much now.\” At that moment, I truly felt the close parent-child relationship between us. , came back quietly. 2. \”Every time you suffer, you gain wisdom\”, let your son bear the natural consequences and gain direct experience. In the past, I was always filled with anxiety, fearing that my son would be criticized for being late, being blamed for not completing his homework, being unable to wake up late, etc. I am always worried that he will not do well, that he will get hurt or take detours. So, I repeated the same words over and over again without getting tired of it, but I didn\’t realize that such excessive concern gradually turned into endless \”nagging\” and \”turning a deaf ear\” in my son\’s eyes. As a result, not only did he not help his son, but he lacked the ability to live independently. He listened to his mother\’s arrangements in everything, and was even ridiculed by his classmates as a \”mama\’s boy.\” Now I am determined to change my original thinking mode and instead encourage my son to make decisions and experience independently. Even if the results are not satisfactory, it does not matter. The important thing is to let him learn to bear the natural consequences. Take the weekend as an example. My son proposed to have fun first and then do his homework. I respected his choice and said to him: \”This is your own business. You can make your own decision.\” However, as a premise, I We will tell him the schedule of activities for these two days in advance, so that he knows clearly what plans we have, such as going to cram school on Saturday morning, going to the library on Sunday afternoon, etc. As for the time to write homework, then arrange it yourself. It doesn\’t matter if you can\’t finish it. When you get to school, you can accept the teacher\’s guidance or criticism. After all, this is the result of his own choice. Sure enough, after being criticized by the teacher for being on the \”roster\” for failing to complete his homework several times, my son became more interested and began to become more self-conscious. Now he can proactively plan fun and homework time without me urging him. More importantly, through independent experience and experimentation, my son not only gained direct experience, but also greatly enhanced his self-confidence. Now he believes in his ability to get things done and is more autonomous and motivated. 3. Instead of criticizing and blaming, give timely positive feedback and encouragement to guide your son to think about how to do better. Taking advantage of the summer vacation, I encouraged my son to set his goals for the three subjects of Chinese, Mathematics and English.The goal and plan were made with the purpose of making up for what he had missed before. In terms of Chinese, the plan written by my son was to \”write an ancient poem silently every day\”, in mathematics he was to \”do a set of test papers every day\”, and in English, he chose to \”read a text in the morning and recite 5 words every day.\” After that, we also We discussed together and joined in activities such as basketball, rope skipping, and watching English movies to enrich our holiday life. I told my son that he can arrange his own time according to his own ideas, but the principle is to \”finish everything today\” and make sure there is no delay. He did well in the first few days, but occasionally he was too lazy to do it, forgot to do it, or was too busy with other things to take care of it. However, every night before going to bed, I will review the day\’s completion with my son. Instead of criticizing or blaming, I will praise him more for what he did well. Then, I will encourage my son to share how he did it, and also let him think about what he has not accomplished and how he plans to improve. After more than a month of consistent implementation, my son\’s performance has not only improved significantly, but more importantly, he has gradually developed a good habit of self-reflection and continuous improvement. When the results of the first test of the new semester were announced, my son\’s ranking improved by 15 places and returned to his original position in the class. He came to me with a face full of joy and told me: \”Mom, I did it! My efforts were not in vain!\” Seeing my son so happy and proud, my heart was filled with relief and pride. After going through this journey, I deeply realized that in fact, all kinds of problems in children are actually the projection of parents’ education methods. Parents must have a sense of learning and growth. If parents change 1 point, children can change 10 points! Therefore, parents must have a sense of learning and growth. Continuous learning can help you better understand yourself and reduce the possibility of being unaware of yourself. Parents can better guide their children by raising their awareness.