When our children are sexually abused, we don’t know how to say “no”. Who should bear the blame?

Cases of sexual abuse of young children occur from time to time. Every time it is exposed, we feel inexplicably sad and angry, wishing we could kill the bad guy and be happy. But the problem is, demons are everywhere, scum is everywhere, and crime is all around you and me, making it impossible to guard against. Instead of worrying and condemning, it is better to quickly think about how to let children establish a sense of boundaries and protect children from being violated. This is the key. I remember that in our hometown, a primary school principal sexually assaulted a group of fifth- and sixth-grade girls for many years, and no one knew about it. It was not until one of the girls was accidentally discovered by her parents that she was pregnant, and this series of crimes came to light. Naturally, the principal became a lecher, was expelled from the school, and was despised by everyone. But what\’s the use? Who will save the trauma of so many girls? Who will make up for it? nobody. Their parents didn\’t know how to heal their wounds, and no one in the village knew how to protect their privacy and dignity. Therefore, for the rest of their lives, they were left to carry humiliation and wounds that could never be healed, living in the world\’s cold eyes, criticism, and saliva. And live in shame. Someone asked: Why didn\’t the children say it? Because they don\’t dare. Someone else asked: Why didn’t the children refuse? Because they don\’t know how to say \”no\” to authority. When the principal tells girls, \”Come to the teacher\’s office after school!\” do they listen? Of course I will. Because their parents teach them to listen to their teachers, be good, obedient, and not to contradict. When we arrived at the office, the teacher said, \”Take off your clothes now. The teacher wants to check your body…\” Will they listen? They will listen even if they don’t have a strong sense of physical boundaries and have no concept of resisting authority. The crime happened smoothly, and it happened again and again, until the girl graduated and left his clutches. In the process, you will find that the murderer does his evil effortlessly. Not only will the children not refuse, but they will also help him cover up. They are taught by their parents to be good girls. Taking \”listen to the teacher\” as the greatest virtue, taking \”the teacher is always right\” as the golden rule that cannot be violated, and taking \”the teacher hits you and scolds you no matter how he treats you, it is all for your own good\” as the highest purpose of the teacher-student relationship. . When authority is magnified by adults to the point where it cannot be questioned, children will naturally not question it. When non-resistance is considered the greatest virtue by adults, children will naturally not resist. Therefore, all crimes against them are considered reasonable by young children. They cannot talk about it and can only endure it silently. This is heartbreaking. Many organizations that rescue girls have found through a large number of case studies that most children who have been sexually abused for a long time are \”good children\” in the eyes of adults. They are good, obedient, sensible, obedient, and do not resist. They do what adults say. They do not have the concepts of \”I can have my own choices\”, \”I am my own master\”, \”I cannot have my body and will violated by adults\”, and they cannot and dare not say \”no\”. When evil strikes, they have no idea how to push away the murderer, shout for help, walk out the door, and leave the room. Who is to blame? Blame the child? No, he is innocent. Is it the principal\’s fault? Yes, of course it\’s to blame. But apart from the murderer, what is also to blame is our family education that has put the cart before the horse. In traditional Chinese family education, obedience is emphasized too much.The boundaries are raised too few. We always say to children: \”What do you want!\” but rarely listen to his voice: \”What do I want!\” Even when he strongly insists on himself, adults will get angry and use preaching, evaluation, Violence and other methods, luring him, controlling him, whipping him, using both soft and hard methods to force him to give up his own ideas and accept the will of adults. For example, in my many years of teaching, I have met many parents of students who would yell at their children: \”What I said is right. If you say no again, I will beat you to death today!\” Most people around him also think that what he said is right. Yes, \”Yes, he is the father, of course you have to listen to him.\” But in many things, the child is not wrong. The mistake he made was nothing more than \”disobedience to his parents.\” You see, although the Qing Dynasty fell for more than 100 years, many families still adhere to the decadent concept of \”a wife obeys her husband\’s orders, and a son obeys his father\’s orders.\” This is the real Chinese magical reality. In this magical reality, children\’s status as \”independent persons\” gradually weakens and softens. He will unconsciously give up his rights to please others, please authority, and please the collective; he will also unconsciously give in when infringement comes in order to seek the kindness and care of others. In this way, his weakness, concession and forbearance, like bait, lured him to evildoers one after another. This is the fundamental reason why girls are as silent as chills when they are sexually assaulted by the principal, and it is also the reason why many people dare not refuse when faced with harm when they become adults. For example, a girl falls in love with someone. A week later, the other party said: \”If you love me, go to bed with me!\” The girl accepted. During sex, she asked the other person to put on a condom. The other party is unwilling. And the education she had received for many years prevented her from saying \”no\” firmly, putting on her clothes and leaving, and saying to the person who didn\’t know how to protect him, \”Then you can play by yourself\”. Instead, she agreed half-heartedly and let him go. Occurs from this risky sexual behavior. A week later, the girl discovered that she was infected with a gynecological disease. To make matters worse, more than a month later, she found out she was pregnant. What can be done? Only go for abortion. Will her self-destruction actually endear her to sexual partners? No, the other person will only think that she is easy to fall in love with, has no bottom line, is easy to control, and will not give her true love and respect. For example, a young man who runs an individual business went to discuss an order with someone, and the other party said: \”We are all friends, what kind of contract should we sign? How troublesome!\” Faced with the other party\’s toughness, he softened and said: \”Okay, That\’s up to you!\” As a result, after the work was done, the other party repeatedly found fault and reworked the work until there was not much left from his pay. Will his sacrifice and concession win the recognition of others? Disaster! We will only respect a real adult and an opponent who truly adheres to the bottom line, is capable, and does not easily allow others to violate their rights. Kneeling down to please and flatter, and giving in and forbearing on the ground is the lowest, most ineffective, and most dangerous means of survival. Not only will it not really benefit you, but it will cause you a steady stream of trouble. For example, a woman is repeatedly borrowed money by a man, a newcomer in the workplace is shared a lot of chores by an old employee, and someone takes advantage of her repeatedly in life… You don\’t even know what\’s going on.Well, I feel that the surroundings are full of malice and hostility, survival is difficult, and progress is extremely slow. You will feel like a lamb, anyone can bully you, exploit you, or even violate you. You will sigh aggrievedly: Why is it always me who gets hurt? why? There is no other reason. Just because you lack the awareness to say \”no\”. Just saying \”yes\” cannot help you connect with others, integrate into a team, win people\’s hearts, or prove that you are super capable and omnipotent. On the contrary, it will drag you down and hurt you. What can really make a person shine is excellence without showing off, determination without hostility, and respect without flattery. By doing this, whether it\’s intimate relationships, personal life, or career development, you can be stronger and freer. The cultivation of this ability requires every child to start from an early age. I hope that all adults will no longer regard \”obedience\” as the Bible, no longer regard \”being good\” as the ultimate virtue, and no longer regard \”killing the child\’s will\” as achievement. Please remember – get along with him as you respect an adult, see His needs, respect his rights, tell him: If you don\’t agree, you must say \”no\” firmly.