When parents learn to shut up and give in, their sons will become so powerful that you feel strange

Since my son entered junior high school, his performance was quite good, but his condition began to go wrong. He handles homework carelessly and procrastinates. He is told to finish studying before playing, but he always refuses to listen. He looks at his mobile phone and surfs the Internet until midnight every day. I suppressed my anger and said, \”Watch less useless videos. Studying is the most important thing.\” Who would have known that he was so careless and felt that I was too meddlesome and verbose, which made me annoyed. My son has a habit of acting badly, being passive and unmotivated. I see it in my eyes and feel anxious in my heart. I always want to say a few more words, urge and remind him, and tell him all kinds of truths. But it had no effect at all. My son\’s midterm exam results were almost at the bottom. When I received a text message from the head teacher asking me to spend more time studying with my son and supervise him, I was instantly shocked. Everything that needs to be said has been said, and there is no less that needs to be done. My son still goes his own way, and the conflict between us continues to escalate. It wasn’t until I happened to see this blogger’s story that I realized my problem. CCTV recommends over 500 high-scoring excellent documentaries. After watching it, the child becomes addicted to self-discipline. A junior high school boy hopes that his mother will stop talking and stop nagging, saying that he knows when to study and when to rest. So my mother tried to agree. After I stopped \”talking\” about it, I found that my son had indeed \”changed\” differently. After playing with my phone for a while, I saw that my mother didn\’t say anything, so I checked in the words myself. It only took 11 minutes to complete 50 words, which was much more efficient than usual. Then on the way home, I kept sharing with my mother my knowledge of music, Hawking\’s predictions, and the magic of traditional Chinese medicine… The rich knowledge reserve surprised my mother. When asked how he knew it, it turned out that he usually searched on the Internet. Because he found it interesting, he went to find out more about it, and gradually he learned more about it. In this regard, the mother couldn\’t help but sigh: She didn\’t expect that she would no longer talk about studies with her son, but his son would be so awesome that she felt strange. I think of a sentence I saw before: \”Every child\’s strong interest in learning must come from his innate inner driving force.\” But many parents, like me, destroy this kind of learning in their children through the nagging and preaching. Innate ability. The more nagging parents are, the worse their children will be. The Children and Adolescent Mental Health Joint Clinic of the Affiliated Hospital of Hangzhou Normal University received such a mother and son. My son is in the second grade of junior high school, and the school teachers are very strict with his homework. The child already needs to compress his rest time to study. But Mama Si still arranged a lot of weekend cram school courses for her son. Afraid that his son would not take him seriously, he urged his son to study at home every day. Within one semester, the overwhelmed son finally \”revolted\”: he refused to go to school, played games all day long, and yelled and threw things whenever his parents mentioned words related to school. In desperation, his mother had to take him to seek help from the director of the clinic, Dr. Fang Yantong. Throughout the whole consultation process, the mother kept talking: \”My son used to be very good, he agreed with everything I said, and we have a very good relationship.\” When asked whether her son would take the initiative to talk about the difficulties he encountered in his studies, the mother was stunned, thinking that such a thing had never happened before. Dr. Fang pointedly pointed out: \”In many similar families, the parents\’ voices and learning requirements always overwhelm the children themselves. Once the children express theirIf they have different ideas, their parents will \’suppress\’ them by losing their temper or nagging them. Over time, the children will no longer want to or dare to speak out. Even when he really encounters learning difficulties, the child does not have the inner strength to express his true thoughts. He just bears and endures blindly until he can no longer persevere and develops fear and avoidance of school. \”It\’s not that children don\’t like learning and don\’t seek to make progress, but they choose to automatically block out the intensive nagging of their parents, losing the motivation to grow little by little. Studies have shown that the frequency of repetition and the effect of persuasion are in an \”inverted U curve.\” In other words, when parents keep talking, the more they talk, the less useful information their children can receive, and the less effective they are in being persuaded. The signal sent by parents’ nagging is: You are not good enough, you are not proactive enough , you are not good…so I have to say you, keep saying it. If you listen too much, the child will not only fail to listen, but will also wrongly define himself, thinking that he is really not good, no good, it is like this anyway, it is better to lie down Flat. Nagging, nothing can be seen in a short time. If it goes on for a long time, the children\’s ears will keep buzzing, and they will just not want to learn or move, and there will be no inner drive. The more reasonable the parents are, the more rebellious the children will be. I saw a child’s sharing. Ever since he was a child, his mother always liked to say to him, “Listen to me, that’s right.” Then she would give him a lot of reasons. At first, he had no judgment and felt that what his mother said was certain. That\’s right. But when he got to middle school, he fell in love with literature and wanted to choose liberal arts. But his mother never agreed. She kept telling her that \”boys should study science so that they can find a job later\” and \”liberal arts are useless, don\’t waste time.\” \” concept. After hearing this, he felt very disgusted and resisted. Once when he was reading a novel at home, his mother scolded him, saying that the novel was the reason why he was partial to science. That night he was so angry that he ran away from home. It was easy to calm down and go home, but what was waiting for him was his mother\’s comments about \”I didn\’t learn well at a young age and imitated other people\’s rebellion\” and \”Are you worthy of your mother\’s hard work in raising you?\”… Later, he insisted on choosing liberal arts and didn\’t say much about it. I just don’t want to listen to the truth my mother talks about all day long. Look, what parents think is right may not necessarily convince their children. On the contrary, they may accidentally push their children away because of their aggressive and condescending attitude. . In life, many parents are accustomed to \”talking\” to their children as if they have experienced it: \”Why are you just disobedient and unreasonable, and it doesn\’t matter how you say it?\” \”How many times have I told you, but you just don\’t understand this?\” \”It\’s just because I\’m your mother that I tell you so much. I\’m too lazy to teach others!\” \”I am self-righteous and go out of my way to output all \”useful information\” to my children. It sounds like it is really for the children\’s benefit. But have you ever thought that what your children hear is another version? Parents don\’t understand me at all, no I understand what I\’m going through now and what difficulties I\’m encountering. They don\’t love me at all… When he is not accepted, tolerated and understood, he will subconsciously feel bound and bound. As soon as he hears his parents\’ truth, he wants to break free. , confrontation. Psychologist Dewey once said: \”Education is not about telling and being told, but a process of active construction by parents and children.. \”One-sided communication, breaking up all your experience and knowledge and feeding it to the child. Not only will the child be unable to swallow it, but it may also deprive him of the opportunity to feel love, and he will increasingly want to escape. Want the child\’s inner drive Parents want to shut up and give in. If they want to truly unleash their children\’s nature and awaken their inner drive, the key is never to \”talk\” but to know how to shut up and give in. This is how education expert Mei Shiying educates her son. When my son was in junior high school, he was not top-notch in studies and was obsessed with many extracurricular hobbies. When he was in the second year of junior high school, he liked football. In addition to practicing on the school playground after school, he would also practice basic skills in the living room after returning home after doing his homework. A seemingly boring little move , his son can practice it hundreds of times. As long as his son takes the initiative to show his skills to his parents, Mei Shiying will exclaim like an expert and ask where his son learned the skills. Every time he responds to his son like this, his son will be interested She enthusiastically shared her experience and innovation. In the second semester of her third year of junior high school, the high school entrance examination was approaching and she was very nervous about her studies, but her son fell in love with a kind of pop music. Although Mei Shiying didn\’t like this style very much and she also had a sense of urgency before preparing for the exam, I still held back my words and made no comments or suggestions, but gave my son enough space to explore and learn. In less than a month, my son dug around for various resources and became a little music expert, talking about various genres. She knew everything clearly. When someone said something, her son would immediately improvise and make the whole family listen as soon as he got inspiration. One night two months before the high school entrance examination, his son suddenly ran into her room and shared his new music. Fragment. Mei Shiying expressed her affirmation and appreciation to her son as usual, and took the opportunity to promise her son: \”Son, the high school entrance examination is approaching, you have to spend more time studying. When the summer vacation comes, I can help you buy a set of equipment so that you can play to your heart\’s content. \”The son, who was fully supported and satisfied by his family, naturally did not have any dissatisfaction. Instead, he nodded heavily and quickly devoted himself to studying in class. The child\’s internal drive is not \”spoken\” by his parents, but protected by his parents. . As long as parents keep their mouths shut, don’t worry or disturb them too much, and let their children fully experience the fun of exploring something, they will naturally gain more improvement and thinking. And this accumulated power of continuous growth will encourage children to fall in love with Study and take the initiative to seek knowledge. In fact, what can really achieve the success of children is the appropriate \”silence\” of parents. Let the children feel warm respect and allowed freedom, so that they can have more space to continue to leap forward and transform with their own strength. As Dr. Qian Zhilong, an independent education scholar, said: “As a principal over the years, I have never seen a child who doesn’t love learning. Curiosity is as natural as eating, drinking, and drinking. \”Since every child has a natural driving force for his or her own growth, let\’s not be impatient or impatient. Instead of using wrong words to put pressure, it is better to pull up the zipper on your mouth and accompany and watch with your heart. Give your child Provide necessary encouragement and tolerance, wait for the flowers to bloom, and believe that the child\’s inner drive will gush out like spring water.