When you tell your child about the difficulty of making money, his childhood is over

Recently, my dad came to Guangzhou for a short stay. In his free time, he went to the vegetable market. After shopping, he lamented that the food in our community is so expensive. Sometimes I even start talking about how hard it was to raise us sisters and how difficult it was to make money. Usually at this time, I start to feel empty, my eyes are dull, my ears are numb, and my soul wanders out of my body and wanders into another world. I once asked a question on Zhihu: How do you really know how hard your parents work to make money? Some said: Some said: Others said: There are many messages, but none of them say that when my parents talk about how hard it is to make money in front of me all day long, I really know that it is not easy for them to make money. Montessori has long said that human beings are born to fill their lives with \”personal experience\”, and we ourselves have experienced this deeply. But when we become parents, we can’t help but say these corny words to our children. A distant cousin once asked me, Xiaoli, if the children raised are not sensible, why should I have children? It\’s obvious that he\’s looking for punishment! \”I was extremely busy with my work for my child, just to create a good living condition for him. I finally got home and wanted to take a rest and be quiet for a while, but he even blamed me for never playing with him. With such a child, I What were you born for?\” My cousin was angry on the phone, and I could feel the strong resentment burning through the screen of my phone. I asked her, then you yelled at the child? Yell, but what\’s the use of yelling? Will cry! I can imagine a scene like this. My cousin was so tired from work that she collapsed on the sofa, while her 3-year-old child screamed at the side: \”Mom, mom, why don\’t you play with me?\” The cousin became irritated and scolded the child: \”You still Not for you? Can’t you see that I work so hard every day? Don’t you know how hard it is to make money? Just play!” It’s not my imagination that is exaggerating. I have personally witnessed my cousin scolding children in a similar way, but I also understand that she is really too tired. She hoped that her children would understand her hard work, but she didn\’t know that often using such intense complaints would trigger deep guilt in her children. It turns out that my mother is so tired because of me… It turns out that I like to play so much, and I shouldn\’t… It turns out that I asked my mother to play with me, and it was also wrong… Every piece of logic in this may become a problem for the child\’s future growth. shackles. Someone asked this question on Zhihu: If we are willing to think from a fair perspective, we work hard to make money and live a difficult life, are we really doing it for our children? Just to be responsible for your own choices. After all, we are the ones who want to have children, not the children who want us to have them. The child is innocent. I also remembered the video of Ran Yingying, the wife of boxing champion Zou Shiming, educating her son Xuanxuan in a variety show. It\’s been two years, but it left such a deep impression on me. If you click on it now and watch it, you will still be frightened by the scene of Ran Yingying scolding Xuan Xuan loudly, which will make your heart beat faster. Xuanxuan mixed the cake with water and ruined the cake. Her mother, Ran Yingying, thought it was a waste of food. She yelled at Xuanxuan, what is the water used for? Do you want to buy it with money? What are cakes used for? Do you want to buy it with money? What is dad going to do tonight? Do you want to make money? It\’s hard for her to use her father to make money.Come educate Xuanxuan not to waste food. But this approach actually forces children to feel guilty and anxious. Even if he can quickly realize that he is wrong, he is still easily immersed in guilt and anxiety, and does not know how to face the mistake, solve the problem, and bear the consequences. Xuanxuan in the video was always at a loss, looking at her mother in confusion and fear, and kept shouting, \”Mom, Mom.\” He was only 5 years old at the time, and he probably already knew that he was no longer a child who could make mistakes casually. A netizen recalled his experience in junior high school. His father suddenly told him that his family only had 20,000 yuan, and he still had to pay tuition and eat and drink for the whole family, so he should not waste too much. After hearing this, he couldn\’t be happy for a whole year. That carefree feeling disappeared in an instant. He always wonders, what if all the 20,000 yuan is spent? Am I unable to study anymore and have to go out to work early? Later he found out that his father was joking with him, but he still remembered his father\’s words as an adult, which caused a great psychological burden on him and even affected his studies. When we tell our children about the difficulty of making money, their childhood ends. Whether we do it intentionally or unintentionally, we are actually trying to let our children bear part of the burden of life for us, asking them to become sensible quickly and shoulder our expectations. But children have their own growth patterns, and for his immature shoulders, this is an unbearable weight of life. I think of what my parents often say, that children of poor people become rich early, which actually means that children of poor people do not deserve a childhood. Thinking about my childhood, it was indeed so dark that I couldn’t bear to read it. As a girl, from elementary school until she went to study abroad, she heard from her parents that you should study hard. All the money at home was spent on your studies. It was not easy for us to make money. The girl feels that I am studying for my parents. Every time I do poorly in an exam, I feel sorry for my parents. She wrote online: The most hurtful thing my mother said was that all your current achievements were obtained with my money. In one sentence, all my efforts are negated. If it weren\’t for you, I wouldn\’t want to live long ago. If a child carries too much guilt, he or she will think that he or she is worthless. Because I always feel that what I bring to my parents is hard work, trouble, pain, and unbearable… Children will work hard to do things that meet their parents\’ expectations, please their parents, and make their parents happy. From a psychological point of view, this is actually a kind of psychological control that parents exert on their children. I often hear parents say that it is not easy to make money and children who live a hard life will indeed be more \”sensible\” than their peers, but it is a kind of \”sensible\” that destroys the law of their own growth. But it may also be overwhelmed and broken. King John Payne, a famous American psychological counselor, once wrote in his \”Simple Parenting Guide\”: Parents should be wary of anything they say to their children, because words can inspire or hurt people. Is it true that I asked myself three questions before? Kind enough? Do I have to say it? These three filters can make a home\’s \”air\” fresher. If we really want to say it, we can only be responsible for our own feelings and express it matter-of-factly: Mom came back from get off work today and felt very tired. She wanted to take a rest and play with you tomorrow night.? Mom was very distressed and angry when she saw you ruined the cake. She had nothing to eat at night and had to buy a new one, which was really troublesome. … Guilt is a natural feeling. When a child has his own values ​​and moral judgments, and he does something wrong, he will naturally feel guilty without us forcing him to do something wrong. British psychologist Winnicott once said that the self that a child builds around his own feelings is his true self, which is vivid and fluid. He is relaxed, focused and naturally creative. Give the child\’s feelings back to the child, so that he can live for himself.