When your child swears or speaks cruelly, your first reaction is very important

A mother came to ask a question: When the child is angry, he will say all kinds of curse words, \”Mom, I hate you! I hate you! Go to hell!\” What should I do? Would Little D also say such harsh words? In fact, all the children in the world look alike, and Little D has a lot of harsh words. He said to me, \”I hate you!\” When fighting with children, he also said, \”I will beat you to death.\” I clearly remember that when she said \”I hate you\” to me for the first time, I was really, really sad, and even felt a little bit like she was \”wolf-hearted\”. And when she said this, it was obvious that she couldn\’t tie her shoelaces well, and I kindly helped her, but this is what happened. Why do good children say dirty words and harsh words? How should we guide scientifically? 01Good kid, what’s wrong? First of all, let me give you reassurance: the child is definitely not bad, nor does he really have no conscience. The famous \”iceberg theory\” tells us: we can\’t just look at what\’s floating on the water, but we need to understand the greater motivations and reasons below the water. Why do children say \”I hate you\” to us? First of all, they are really angry, whether it is towards themselves or other things, their emotions have a ignition point and need to explode. In the past, she might have hit or bit people directly, but now she has learned to verbally attack. Secondly, language development is immature. This may be the best way to express this emotion within their limited language abilities. Older children just show that their cognitive development has gradually matured, they understand the destructive power of language, and they are exploring the boundaries of the power of language. If a child gets angry at his or her parents or family elders despite clearly not doing well, we need to understand that there is another reason, that is, they have a sense of security, and they know that it is safe to express this to us. Now, knowing why, we can better understand our children and guide them better. 02How to do it? Let’s first talk about the situation when children scold other people. Many parents, including me in the past, immediately began to teach their children a lesson as soon as they heard that their children were \”rude\” to others. And the result? The parents of the other child\’s first reaction was that it\’s okay; or if it was told to an adult, many adults would advise it, \”It\’s okay, just a kid.\” Yes, children have not truly realized the \”destructive power\” of their own words on others, because we have been the first to intervene. Children who have not experienced feedback from the other party, or even received feedback from the other party saying \”it doesn\’t matter\”, will feel inexplicable when faced with our education, and the effect of natural education will be very poor. The best thing to do at this time is to \”let the bullets fly for a while.\” Give your child some time to receive feedback from the other person, and even some more time to see if the child can solve it on his or her own. The scene reappeared. Little D once \”scolded\” other children because of the order of playing slides in the playground. The other child also hit back without showing any weakness, \”I hate you too, I hate you!\” and tried to push Little D. At this time, I could see the change in Xiao D\’s expression. She probably did not expect that the other party would have such feedback. And at the same time, both of our parents got involved. I was reviewing the review for Little D. In addition to reminding everyone that toys in public places are for everyoneYes, first come, first served. I would also emphasize to her who was pouting: \”Look, language is very hurtful. You scold others first, and you will be sad when others scold you back. In fact, you all have better solutions. Isn\’t it? Let\’s think about what we can do together. \”Little D has calmed down and has the ability to deal with these social conflicts, and our inaction is to make her truly realize that swearing actually has some consequences. \”Rebound\”. Think about it, isn\’t the future society like this? Not everyone will \”let\” their children like they do at home, so you might as well allow your children to experience some real society. Social feedback is one of the best ways to regulate children\’s behavior. But please don’t misread it and think that you just let it go. At least in my parenting philosophy, \”cussing\” requires intervention. It\’s just that my intervention will lag a little bit behind. First, let the children taste the impact of what they do on others, and then the subsequent education will be more effective. Some truths can only be understood better after you have suffered them. This is the same for adults and children. 2. Respond to emotions, but do not fight back. What should we do if our children directly say harsh words to us? We can\’t control the voice in our hearts, \”This child is so ignorant and heartless\”; or when we see a child scolding others, we can\’t help but think: \”My child is so untutored, what will others do?\” You will feel that I have not disciplined you properly.\” We are actually just as easily controlled by our emotions as children. Going back to the reasons I mentioned earlier, we understand that children are so angry that they want to make us sad and angry too. Yes, they do it on purpose, even if they don\’t mean it. As a parent, it is best not to retaliate immediately: \”Then I don\’t like you anymore\”; \”Then mom doesn\’t want you\”. The child\’s emotions are chaotic at this moment, and if you say this, you will undoubtedly join the emotional battlefield. The child\’s temper is getting louder and louder. , not only the anger before, but also the message of \”not being loved\”, and then the whole war escalated. I think the best way to deal with it is to \”kill it with love\”. This is how I responded to Xiao D. , shrugged and told her calmly, \”Oh, then I still love you very much.\” Let the children find that this sentence will not irritate us, then their \”plot\” will not succeed, and they will not succeed after being frustrated a few times. Used. At the same time, we also reminded them that we love her at all times. \”The angrier the child is, the more he needs love.\” When they get angry, they are also testing whether their parents still love them as always. The method is to kill two birds with one stone. This trick is especially effective for stubborn children like Little D. You will often find that this sentence will make her feel like a cock with bulging feathers. Then I will define the emotion and point to the solution. thing. I said to Little D, \”Oh, you are so angry. Can you tell me what\’s wrong?\” \”The next step is very simple. Listen to what the child has to say, give the child some better solutions, hug the child, and let them calm down. As long as we avoid subconsciously fighting back for the sake of fighting back, we are actually all better handle these issues properly.