Who is better to raise an autistic child? Dad or mom? The key point is to look at this

We talked about this topic in the group meditation a few days ago. In fact, this topic is very open, with thousands of people talking about it, and there is no fixed answer. It can be said that the father has the advantages of being a father, and the mother has the advantages of being a mother. Whoever can take care of the child is good. The key thing we need to realize is that raising children is out of love for them. But many times, in the process of raising children, between fathers and mothers, it becomes a kind of \”wrestling\”, a competition, a kind of blame, and repeated accusations in the name of the children. The child \”disappears\”, and what remains is more of an endless argument between adults about who is right and who is wrong. This resulted in losing the original intention and degenerating into a fight of mutual harm. Especially children. 01 Dad = Mom In the parent-child attachment relationship, the father and mother can be equated. In other words, it is okay for the father to take care of the children, or for the mother to take care of the children. There is no fixed saying that the mother must take care of the child, or the father must take care of the child. In a child\’s world, father and mother are like the sun and moon in the sky. Whoever stays with him stably for a long time can become the light in his life. Mother is the nurturer of a child\’s life, and father is the first participant in the differentiation of the mother-child relationship. Father, mother and children form a stable iron triangle in the parent-child relationship. Of course, it must be admitted that the role of a mother has an extra layer of special meaning compared to that of a father. Because the child has lived in the mother\’s belly for 9 months and has been beating with the mother\’s heart for so long, there is a special bond and attachment between them. However, we can see from real cases that many mothers have established a close attachment relationship with their children, and many fathers have pulled their children out of the dilemma of autism. Therefore, raising a child with autism is not a question of \”should\”, but a question of \”willing\”. So, if both parents are willing, who is ultimately responsible for providing nutrients and under what circumstances? 02 The first type of situation based on intimacy is based on the degree of intimacy with the child. This is also the most important and critical thing. This is considered from the child\’s feelings, and it is also the easiest to help the development of autistic children. In the absence of an intimate attachment relationship as a premise, many companionships cost a lot of money, a lot of time, and a lot of sacrifices. In the end, not only do the children fail to make progress, but they even regress. This is a pity. If the relationship between the mother and the child is the closest, then the mother can be considered to take care of the child, with the father as the assistant and replacement. At this time, although we need to intervene based on the child\’s feelings, the mother\’s feelings also become very important. Dad must be able to become an emotional container to see and transform mother\’s emotions. Only in this way can mothers have a deeper, more affectionate, and more stable emotional connection with their children, help their children open up their inner difficulties, and achieve their own breakthroughs. Of course, many fathers cannot do this in real life, so mothers need to try to be their own container first. ——This makes many mothers feel frustrated and angry, and feel that they are worse than single. But in fact, whether dad can be a container for mom or not, we all need to make our own containers. Because external support, if not matched by inner stability, will also cause a person\’s inner collapse. Similarly, if the relationship between the father and the child is the closest, then the father will raise the child, and the mother will act as an assistant and supporter. The special thing about this situation is that, often for one reason or another, the mother cannot get into the child\’s heart, and will easily break down, escape or even attack the child when she sees the child\’s weird behavior. At this time, keeping distance is already a kind of care for children. If we forcefully follow the so-called convention and require mothers to take care of their children, the results are often very unsatisfactory. Of course, there is also a situation where the father is willing and able to get into the child\’s heart, but the child still longs for the mother\’s love, even if the mother cannot or is unwilling. This time is more tricky. If a mother is willing to transfer her feelings and regain her ability to love her children, she can choose to develop and heal herself. Finally, it can also give the child an emotional response. If the mother is not willing, the burden needs to fall on the shoulders of the father. On the premise that the child\’s desire cannot be answered, the father becomes the child\’s safe base, his gas station, his last safe haven, and the incubation base for the development of the child\’s various abilities. (Conversely, the same principle applies to the role reversal of parents in the above paragraph.) 03 Starting from the financial and economic situation The second type is to make arrangements based on the family\’s economic situation. In other words, whoever makes more money is responsible for working and supporting the family. Whoever makes less money is responsible for raising the children. In this case, the social stability of the nuclear family is relatively guaranteed and the nuclear family will not fall into economic difficulties. In fact, this is the strategy adopted by many families. However, beneath the surface of this family\’s financial stability, possible risks lurk. Because if the person who makes less money cannot establish a close attachment relationship with the child, in the end the money earned by the other person will only ensure the physical \”development\” of the child, but will not be able to nourish the child\’s mind and emotions, and the child\’s mind will not be able to achieve a breakthrough. This is actually a pity. Because as children grow older, if their abilities and minds fail to develop, then the money earned will fall into another form of consumption. One side earns, the other side loses. The child\’s changes have been minimal, or even regressed. Therefore, arrangements based on economic conditions must also include considerations of close attachment. Because we are not “breeding” children, but delivering love to them. Moreover, from a larger economic perspective, the temporary \”low income\” (people who are closer but make more money will take care of the children) may be exchanged for future \”high income\” (the money consumed after the children achieve breakthroughs in the future) Reduction and those who make more money return to their careers). 04 The third type based on interaction ability is whoever is best at taking care of the baby will be responsible. Because some parents, although relatively close to their children, lack the ability to connect and interact with their children. In other words, I can’t play with my children. In this case, even if the child finds an attachment object in the short term and stays with it for a long time, the child seems to have metA kind of ceiling that can never be broken through and develops slowly. Even in the original close attachment relationship, various complex emotions began to appear. Because of this, after superimposing the degree of intimacy and economic situation, the ability to interact must also be considered. Whoever is good at playing with children and can have more moments of resonance and emotional resonance with the children will be the one to take care of the children. 05The final choice still depends on \”I do\”. When the three types are superimposed, there will be a lot of uncertainty. For example, someone who is very good at interacting with children may not be able to stay with them for a long time due to their own personality, demands on children, physical fatigue, considerations of making money, etc. And those who are not good at interacting with children, but because the children are very clingy to themselves, or make less money, etc., they have to accompany them. The result was not ideal. The choices made at this time must be entirely voluntary, otherwise it is easy to fall into \”family war\”. The first suggestion is still to start from the attachment relationship, and let the person closest to the child be responsible for the upbringing. At the same time, caregivers need to regain their ability to interact with their children through learning and practice while taking into account their own feelings. The second suggestion is to start with the ability to interact, and let the person who plays best with the child be responsible for the upbringing. At the same time, with strong love and willingness, caregivers can try to connect with their true feelings and make certain concessions to develop a close attachment relationship with their children. There is no way to force these two methods, and both must return to the level of \”I do\”. Whenever one party feels that he or she is a \”wronged\” victim, or one party feels that the other party \”did not do well enough\” and makes unbridled accusations, they will eventually deviate from their true intentions. From raising children, it turns into a war between husband and wife. In fact, raising children is the second practice between husband and wife.