Who says being a mom means you have to be a mom 24 hours a day, 365 days a year? I just want to be a \”part-time mom\”!

John Rosemond John Rosemond is a family psychologist and director of the Optimistic Parenting Center. Headquartered in Southern California, the center is a national resource center dedicated to providing parents with practical parenting advice and resources. He is the author of parenting books such as \”The Terrible Twos\”. Many mothers fall into this dilemma: their children always need them all the time, leaving little room for their own private life. As a mother, although she is distressed but finds it difficult to refuse her children\’s requests, she can\’t help but worry that if her children ignore their mother, will it really be beneficial to their growth? This is the case in many families now. Regardless of whether the mother has other jobs, she will always be a full-time mother. She needs to sacrifice her limited time and energy to meet the endless needs of her children, but she may not be able to In exchange for their children\’s gratitude, they may even selfishly believe that this is the mother\’s responsibility. Mothers can\’t help but miss the days when they were not full-time mothers. In fact, this is not entirely imaginary. Mothers can really try to let go and try to be a \”part-time mother\”, which will also be of great benefit to the growth and education of their children. Not only does it make children more independent, but it also helps them learn to respect their mothers instead of enslaving them. Reduce the number of things you do for your children. Mothers must significantly reduce the number of things they do for their children, do one less thing at a time, and gradually allocate the responsibilities that they perform to their children. For past generations of mothers, they all started by allowing their children to properly handle their own bowel and bladder problems. They toilet train their children before they are two years old. Of course, this training can still be done so early. While teaching the child how to use the toilet, the mother will also teach the child to fetch water by himself (the child is in the breastfeeding period and cannot drink drinks yet, so he drinks water between meals), gets snacks between meals, dresses by himself, and goes to bed by himself. (After the child lies down, the parents cover him with a quilt). She delegates responsibility to her children, which is one of the main characteristics of great leadership. At this time, the mother gradually entered the leadership and authority season. Adopting this method will not only help cultivate the child\’s independence, but also gradually turn into a \”part-time mother\”. It can be said that it kills two birds with one stone. From the age of three, childcare should become a part-time job. This is a revolutionary idea to today\’s mother, because she has always believed that a truly good mother is a full-time job. As long as she is awake, the mother is expected to be around her child twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. In fact, before the late 1960s, mothers thought the exact opposite of what they think today. Mothers at that time believed that they should do as little as possible for their children. That’s what my mom thought, and it taught me a lot. Rather than trying to build up their children\’s self-esteem, those old-fashioned but very sensible mothers work hard to teach their children to be independent. In any case, independence is the key to a happy life. It’s also important for parents to note that in terms of mental health, children in the 1950s were in much better shape than children today. Set Boundaries with Children Mothers must set psychological and emotional boundaries with their children and limit their children from getting too close to them. When the mother is busy, the childDon\’t bother me when you don\’t need to. Mothers should require their children to entertain themselves most of the time. No matter what problem the child encounters, he should be guided to solve it on his own. When he cannot handle it on his own, his parents will help him solve it. In this way, the child\’s independence and respect for his mother will be further enhanced. You must know that independence is the key to a happy life. Without boundaries in a relationship, one partner will exploit the other as they please, take them for granted, and in short, show disrespect. I have lost count of the number of mothers who have come to me and told me that they feel their children do not respect them. From their descriptions, I saw how harsh, willful, and ungrateful the children were. They seemed to think that they always had the right to come and go at their mothers, so they would not let their mothers do their own thing without interference. thing. The lack of boundaries is common in today’s parent-child relationships, and it’s understandable because too many parenting experts advise mothers that whenever their children want something from their mothers, a truly good mother should stop everything she is doing. Pay attention to your children. I once saw a cover of a popular parenting magazine that read “Ten things you should never say to your kids.” These ten sentences include: \”I don\’t have time for you now\”, \”I don\’t care about your feelings\”, \”I won\’t help you, you have to do it yourself\”, \”You are disturbing me or don\’t disturb me\”. According to this author, each of the above statements can cause psychological confusion and apocalyptic psychological trauma in children. It\’s ridiculous, my mom said this to me, but I didn\’t have any quirks as an adult. This example is a perfect example of how these so-called parenting experts deny mothers the right to set boundaries in the parent-child relationship, and deny that they have the right to private space in addition to being mothers. Unfortunately, this type of nonsense has become the norm in today’s parenting culture. Because very few fathers read parenting magazines, these words will only cause trouble to mothers. Putting the relationship between husband and wife first. With the enthusiastic help of my father, my mother restored the relationship between husband and wife to its primary and core position in the family. Transitioning from servant to authority, she shifts her roles back again: that of wife first, that of mother second. Her childcare aide undergoes the same shift in role: husband\’s role comes first, father\’s comes second. Those who happily returned to their marriages began to focus more on each other than on their children. They talk more to each other than to their children. They have a weekly date night to enjoy their world together. They consult with each other when making parenting decisions. The marriage relationship belongs to both of them and not to everyone in the family. They became part-time parents, a full-time couple, which was what was best for the children. The indisputable fact is that nothing provides a stronger foundation for a child\’s sense of security and happiness than a stable relationship between parents. This is not to say that the relationship is perfect, of course not. There is no marriage without flaws. Putting aside the flaws, the husband and wife should work together to manage the marriage.. This is not to say that single parents cannot raise children well. My mother was a single mother before I was seven years old, but she is fully capable. Still, research shows that children raised by parents who are in a strong marriage under the same roof do better in all aspects. Mother’s Leadership Authority By completing this transformation, parents form a unified team and then lead their children into the leadership season of parenting. The picture below shows a family diagram of the leadership authority season in the parent-child relationship. At this stage, the child revolves around its parents, the parents are the sun, and the child is the planet orbiting the sun. Parents are the focus of a child\’s attention. Because he pays attention to his parents and his parents behave like authorities, he will do what his parents ask him to do (only occasionally he does something wrong), and he will naturally start to learn the rules. The most striking sign of this transformative year is the child\’s rebellious behavior that wants the old days to continue forever. How can you blame the child? Who doesn\’t want a servant? The child\’s resistance can be very violent and can last for several hours, which is very scary. If the mother stays the course, by the time the child is three years old, the child will come to view the mother as a formidable authority figure. He had been the center of his mother\’s attention, but now, on the contrary, her mother was the center of his attention. Mothers should insist that their children do more and more things. In this way, the child gives the mother time to do what she must or wants to do, and she also has time to put her feet up on the chair and rest. She made it clear to her children that the relationship between mother and father is higher than the relationship between mother and him. So begins the season of Leadership Authority. During this period, parents\’ duty is to manage their children so that they will obey their management and be willing to be their \”disciples\”. At the same time, they will internalize the rules and gradually develop self-discipline. This is necessary for children to learn to manage themselves responsibly. . The Necessity of a Part-Time Mother There are so many teenagers today who are rebellious, willful, moody, ill-mannered, and unmotivated. I am convinced that this is largely due to the parenting style of parents who have become stagnant in the status of servants. The mother is still a long-term servant, and the father is still a long-term childcare assistant. In order to make up for the lack of relationship with his wife, the father adopted a new way of fathering: trying to be the best partner of his children, but he did not expect that this model would only cause abnormalities in family relationships. The result of this is that many American children are raised with a servant and a companion. Needless to say, neither man was able to effectively discipline his children. Therefore, when the child reaches his teenage years, when his responsibilities increase as much as the freedom he enjoys, he is unprepared for this and begins to express his ignorance in completely opposite and even self-destructive ways. measures. There is a new fallacy: the reason why teenagers are rebellious, willful, etc. is because of changes in their minds, and these behaviors are inevitable. This is pure nonsense. Of course, this may be a comfort to some parents, because their children are irresponsible, defiant, and want to cut off ties with their families. This fallacy makes them feel that their children\’s behavior has nothing to do with the children themselves. But the historical evidence and those that don\’t fit that negative narrativeAs American teenagers can attest, this type of behavior is far from inevitable. This type of behavior is not the result of changes in the mind, but the result of a lack of discipline before adolescence. When a child becomes like this, the parents are completely responsible for their own consequences. The bad news is that too many American children are still behaving like toddlers as teenagers—throwing tantrums, being defiant, irritable, and moody. The good news is that you can plan ahead in the best possible way. The key to effectively disciplining a child during his teenage years is to lay a good foundation when the child is two or three years old. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.