Why am I not afraid that my child will wet his pants?

Among the friends of classmate Zhe, little Jasmine is the most loved by the mothers. At every gathering, everyone marvels at the well-behaved, sensible, confident and generous nature of this 3-year-old girl. But recently, Jasmine\’s mother has encountered trouble. In her own words: \”Since Jasmine was born, the biggest challenge in parenting has come.\” The problem with little Jasmine who \”refuses to sit on the toilet to pee\” started about 3 months ago. Little Jasmine, who had completely taken off her diapers, suddenly refused to go to the toilet normally. Every time she was asked if she wanted to pee, she would shake her head and refuse, but in the blink of an eye she would wet her pants. Sometimes I see her unable to hold back and squat down with her legs crossed, but she says \”no\”. When her mother carries her to the toilet, her underwear is often wet… She has obviously known how to urinate on the toilet before, so why suddenly It became like this? Is the rebellious period coming, and you are deliberately going against the adults? For three months, little Jasmine has been scolded for peeing her pants. But things didn\’t change. On the contrary, under her mother\’s frequent reminders, little Jasmine became more and more repelled by sitting on the toilet. Sometimes, as soon as her mother approached her and before she even had time to ask her \”Do you want to pee?\”, she would already loudly answer \”I don\’t want to\”. \” and angrily ordered her mother to \”go away!\” Faced with her daughter\’s increasingly violent behavior of peeing her pants and her increasingly irritable bad temper, Jasmine\’s mother was very anxious: \”Originally, she could sit on the toilet to relieve herself. I planned to send her to a daycare class in the spring. Who knew that she would have to go back to school overnight? Before liberation. How can we get her back to normal?\” I understand her anxiety. Some of the child\’s \”regressive behaviors\” always drive the mother crazy, which seems to mean that all our previous efforts to help him develop good habits have been in vain. In fact, when a child\’s behavior regresses, the most critical issue is not how to get them back to normal, but to figure out the reason why the child is in this situation. For example, little Jasmine already knew that she had to sit on the toilet to pee. What we need to figure out now is why she refused to sit on the toilet when she peed in the past few months and had to hold it in? How much do you know about the \”anal desire period\”? Of course, little Jasmine didn\’t have any weird problems. She was just learning to use the toilet, and her physical and mental development entered a new stage. Freud called this stage the \”anal stage.\” According to Freud, everyone\’s sexual and psychological development will go through 5 stages – the oral stage from birth to about 1.5 years old: the baby is satisfied through sucking, swallowing, chewing, biting and other lip activities, and develops in In this process, a preliminary understanding of the surrounding environment and objects is established. Anal desire period from about 1.5 years old to about 3 years old: With the development of sphincter, the baby feels the pleasure when the internal pressure is relieved during defecation, and becomes very interested in it, and likes to be satisfied by controlling defecation. Genital stage from about 3 years old to 5 or 6 years old: With the development of language skills, thinking ability and increasingly complex emotions, children begin to be able to identify gender, recognize the physiological differences between the sexes, and then become curious about their own sexual organs. 6. The incubation period between the ages of 7 and 12: Children’s life circle continues to expand, and their interests are no longer limited to their own bodies. At this time, most children will stop being interested in the opposite sex and focus onThey tend to interact with people of the same sex, and their happiness mainly comes from games and learning. Reproductive period from around 12 years old to around 20 years old: As their physiological development matures, children’s interests begin to turn to the establishment and satisfaction of heterosexual relationships. They are eager to get rid of their parents, fantasize about independence, and begin to gradually move toward those with heterosexual sexual power and socialization. Changing adult roles. In Freud\’s theory, everyone will go through these five stages. The smooth development of different stages will have a significant impact on future personality development. That is to say, if the primitive instincts released by children at each stage are reasonably accepted and channeled, it will be beneficial to the healthy physical and mental development of this stage; on the contrary, if the psychological needs of children at a specific stage are not met or are over-satisfied, it will form \”Psychological retention\” causes a series of problems and obstacles to children\’s future physical and mental development. Many children aged two or three are like little Jasmine, keen on enjoying the pleasure of controlling their own bowel movements. In my tweet a few days ago, \”To stimulate children\’s imagination and social skills, doing this little thing well is the key\”, I mentioned the \”Terrible Two\” stage of two- and three-year-old children, who always want to express themselves. During the rebellious period, children are obsessed with the feeling of being able to make decisions on their own. You can imagine their joy when they find that they can control their bowels and bowels. Children have no concept of hygiene yet and are simply proud of being able to control their own bodies. As a result, they mobilized their immature sphincter muscles again and again, trying hard to hold back pee or stool, and at the same time fiercely resisted adults\’ \”toilet\” instructions. The result was that they accidentally peed in their pants again. As early as Freud\’s time, the theory that \”parents should pay attention to their children\’s toilet training should not be too early or too strict\” has been well known. But what is common in real life is that in order to develop good hygiene habits as early as possible, adults have strict requirements on children\’s toilet habits. When a child frequently soils his pants and shows an interest in his own feces, adults are often very angry, thinking that the child is deliberately causing trouble or forgetting to go to the toilet for fun. They may criticize or beat and scold the child, and they only want the child to learn how to act like a child as soon as possible. Use the toilet like adults. And because children do not fully understand what \”dirty\” means and what \”unhygienic\” means, they have no idea why adults are angry. It is obviously something that one thinks is very fulfilling, but is not accepted by adults. Faced with persecution and punishment from adults, children may give up trying and become \”an obedient child.\” But those suppressed instincts will still be released when given the opportunity, so some children will wet their pants repeatedly until they are five, six or even seven or eight years old. My 5-year-old child still wets his pants, what should I do? I once received a request for help from a mother on WeChat. Her 5-year-old daughter still wets her pants and bed frequently. For this reason, she has not been to kindergarten for the past six months. She has been staying at home to adjust, but there has been no improvement. Related content: What to do if your 5-year-old child wets the bed? She usually reminded her daughter verbally to go to the toilet, but her daughter refused to go. Later, she changed the way she set the alarm clock. At first, her daughter would go when the alarm clock went off, but then she ignored it. When she asked her child if she had been there, her daughter would lie and say she had, but in fact she would wet her pants after a while. This mother is so anxious that she takes care of her daughterMy son went to the hospital for a checkup and the result was that everything was normal. What surprised her was that during the few days when she took her daughter back to her hometown during the Chinese New Year, she was busy visiting relatives and friends and did not give her a regular reminder to urinate. Her daughter had never peed her pants and she always said she wanted to pee. But when she got home, everything was as usual. I still wet my pants every day. During the communication, I gradually learned that this is a relatively strict mother. She would severely criticize her daughter when she peed her pants when she was a child. Later, I studied child psychology on my own and began to treat children with an understanding and accepting attitude. Now when my daughter wets her pants, she will control her emotions and say it\’s okay as calmly as possible. But her anxiety has not eased: \”I don\’t care at home and I\’m not afraid of trouble, but what will I do if I go to kindergarten? What will I do if I go to school? What will others think of her?\” This kind of anxiety will naturally be passed on to her daughter. Nowadays, the vast majority of mothers can face their baby\’s \”oral craving period\” with a calm attitude, and no longer blindly prevent their babies from using their mouths to satisfy themselves. However, few mothers can calmly deal with their children\’s behavior during the \”anal desire period\” when they are unable to take care of themselves. In the eyes of adults, this matter is not just as simple as changing laundry pants, but also involves more complex matters. emotions and concerns. The reason why we cannot accept the performance of children during the \”anal desire period\” is because we believe that \”wetting pants is shameful and not allowed, and will bring humiliation and ridicule.\” This concept comes from the childhood experiences of most of us. At that time, there was nothing more humiliating than being accused of wetting the bed or wetting our pants. Everyone was proud to stop wetting their pants early, and the sooner, the more glorious they would be. . To this day, when people, especially the elderly, talk about their babies, they still regard whether they have stopped wetting their pants as an important indicator to measure whether a child has developed well enough. Therefore, even if many mothers know about the \”anal desire period\” and know that this is the only way for children to understand themselves, one day it really comes, and it is still difficult for us to face it with a correct attitude. If we want to help the baby get through this special period smoothly, we need to be a \”maverick mother\” – overcoming the shame of adults, which is meaningless for the child. Two or three-year-old babies don\’t know what hygiene is. There is no concept of dirtiness and cleanliness, but a simple desire to control the body independently, so there is the behavior of holding back urination and defecation. By the time he can no longer hold it in, it is already too late to go to the toilet. Therefore, we should not look at this matter with a sense of shame, nor should we expect to use \”know shame and then be brave\” to motivate children. Beating, scolding and humiliation cannot change the instinct of children\’s life development, but will only make children feel confused and afraid. Produce self-deprecation psychology and affect the construction of self-esteem in children\’s personality. Abandon comparisons and don\’t use anxiety to kidnap children. Children peeing their pants will not only cause unnecessary trouble, but also make adults feel embarrassed. The eager expectation that children can \”urinate and defecate normally\” is related to adults\’ subconscious ability to compare with children. When a child wets his pants frequently, anxious adults begin to put constant pressure on the child. However, often the more nervous the child is and the greater the psychological pressure, the more times he wets his pants. The \”anal desire period\” refuses to end, and the child\’s sexual and psychological development stagnates. Therefore, be sure not to be fooled by othersOur eyes hinder our acceptance of our children. We must love our children more than our own face. Accept and respect children, remain calm and do not overemphasize. When children soil their pants because they fail to hold in their bowels, they are actually feeling frustrated and disappointed. At this time, just calmly and gently tell the child: \”It\’s not a big deal. Mommy will put on clean pants for you.\” Don\’t say other emphatic words, such as \”Remember to go to the bathroom next time,\” because the child knows very well that he should go to the bathroom. Just can\’t do it. When we repeatedly emphasize \”I have to go to the toilet next time\”, it will strengthen the child\’s conflict and helplessness, and easily lead to the child\’s emotional abnormality. Jasmine\’s mother feels that little Jasmine\’s temper is not as good as before, and this is the reason. If your child wets his pants frequently, you can re-wear diapers to reduce the stress your child experiences from repeatedly soiling his pants. Don’t label your children and don’t make them feel inferior. Don’t talk about your children wetting their pants or defecating in their pants, and avoid discussing these things in front of your children. \”You are so old and you still wet your pants! How can you be so stupid! Why don\’t other children wet their pants like you?\” Don\’t say these words even if they are rotten in your stomach – the child\’s brain is always collecting and processing everything in the surrounding environment. The message conveyed is that once a child determines that he is a child who wets his pants easily, then this matter may deepen into his behavioral habits, and it will be even more difficult to repair and correct it by then. If your child is clearly able to defecate on his own, but doesn\’t know when he started peeing on his pants, please remember that this is not a regression in the child\’s behavior, but that the child\’s life development has reached a new level. Be sure to make it clear to the elderly at home that you should not be afraid of your child peeing his pants. This is just a special stage in the child\’s long life.