Why are children disobedient? You will understand after reading these cartoons!

Before Rooney was five years old, I always thought that I was doing a pretty good job as a mother, and my communication with Rooney had always been smooth. However, after giving birth to my younger brother this year, I spent less time with him. It just so happened that he also entered the stage of being both attached to his mother and wanting to be with her. An independent and \”polar\” six-year-old, he challenged me again and again, and I became increasingly impatient with him, so we had constant conflicts and I was exhausted by him. I tried sternly reprimanding him, giving him earnest advice, and even getting angry and beating him, but it was of no use. He still went his own way. He didn\’t want to eat, brush his teeth, or go to class. He wouldn\’t leave at a friend\’s house, and would get messy if something went wrong. Throwing things, crying and yelling, making people uneasy. An unprecedented level of frustration consumed me. Although this is a characteristic of children after they turn six years old, I vaguely felt that there must be something wrong with my education method, but I didn’t know where the mistake was, so I started to pay attention to the way I usually communicate with him. This observation really shocked me. It turned out that I was really wrong a lot. The following is the conversation I had with him in the past few days: Rooney: Mom, I want to watch \”Xiaoling Toys\” (Note: a program where adults introduce the use of toys). Me: What’s the point of watching that all day long? Come on, let me recommend one to you, Hayao Miyazaki or Disney. Rooney: No! I just want to watch \”Xiao Ling Toy\”! Me: You’ve seen it many times, let’s change it to something else. Rooney: No! I just love watching this! The two got into an argument and Rooney started shouting and crying mode. Rooney: I don’t want to practice taekwondo today. Why do I? Rooney: I just don’t want to go, I’m too tired. Me: You will definitely be tired from practicing Taekwondo, but you can exercise your body. If you insist on practicing twice a week, you will not be sick all the time if you are in good health. (He began to persuade with earnest words) Rooney looked impatient and started shouting: I just don’t want to go! Otherwise, you become a child and try it, you go and press your legs and try it! Rooney: Mom, the teacher said that Halloween is coming soon and we have to do dress-up activities again. I was looking at my phone and didn\’t pay attention to what he said. I just said \”oh\”. Rooney: Mom, buy me another candy bag. I was still looking at my phone intently, without raising my head, and said \”oh\” again. Rooney finally got angry: Mom, are you listening to me? ! Rooney went to play at Douding\’s house, but he still hadn\’t come home when the time came, so I went to look for him. Rooney: Mom, I want to have dinner at Douding’s house. Me: No, don’t bother Auntie. Rooney: I still want to play at Douding’s house, so let me eat at Douding’s house. I have never eaten at his house once. Me: No, grandma has already cooked. Rooney turned a deaf ear to my words and continued to play with toys with his head down, refusing to leave. Later, I had no choice but to drag him back home. Do you see the problem? All my conversations with him ended up being arguments. Why? Denying his feelings, not listening to him attentively, and always saying \”no\” all triggered his rebellious behavior. Just yesterday I read a passage from teacher Yin Jianli in the book \”Free Children Are Most Conscious\”: \”The \”rebellious period\” is a pseudo-concept. The truth is that children feel uncomfortable with their parents\’ control and rules. He is just using his own Just a way to resist.When parents give their children high-quality love and make them feel comfortable and happy, it is impossible for children to deliberately contradict their parents. Any \”rebellious\” child indicates that there is something wrong with the parents\’ home education. \”What a slap in the face! No wonder the child\’s rebellious behavior is so prominent. There is really something wrong with my communication method! If I continue to treat Rooney in this way, I really don\’t know what will happen to him after he enters adolescence? I remember a colleague once complained to me, Her thirteen-year-old son can chatter all day when he is with his friends, but once he returns home, he becomes silent and rarely talks. He often stays in his room and does not come out. Sometimes when asked, he grunts and answers casually. , finally managed to say a few words, but always ended the conversation with \”Forget it, I won\’t tell you anymore.\” She also said one thing: \”Once, he came home from playing basketball with his friends and happily When he told me about his achievements, I was very happy. The child was finally willing to share his happiness with me. But as soon as I said something at that time, he suddenly became unhappy again, turned around and walked into the room. \”I asked: \”What did you say? She said: \”I was very pleased to see that he liked playing basketball so much, so I told him, well, playing basketball is a good sport. It helps to grow taller and exercise. You must stick to it.\” I really don\’t understand why he suddenly became unhappy? Am I wrong to say this? \” Many parents will blurt out these words of colleagues. At first glance, there is nothing wrong with it. But if we think about it from the perspective of children, we will find that when parents say these words, they are simply talking to themselves and have no real meaning. Listen to your children and understand their feelings. Communicating with children is really a skill. I re-read the book \”How to speak so that children will listen; how to listen so that children are willing to speak\”. The book says: Children\’s feelings are related to their There is a direct connection with the behavior of children. If children have good feelings, they will behave well. How to make children feel good? That is to accept their feelings! In the form of a series of comics, the book provides us with four ways to help children After reading the skills of facing their feelings, we may understand why children are disobedient and unwilling to communicate with us. Skill 1: Listen with full concentration instead of being absent-minded. You may say you are listening, but in fact you are absent-minded. When children talk to their parents , parents keep their eyes on the TV and mobile phones. As a child, you will also feel frustrated and discouraged. So the child will \”forget it\”, and as time goes by, he will choose to \”shut up\”. Try this: Sometimes, the child What is needed is that we can empathize with them. When a child tells you something, put down the mobile phone, leave the TV, stop doing housework, listen carefully, and replace absent-mindedness with listening with full attention. Only by letting the child know that the parent is truly listening Only by listening to him carefully will he be more willing to tell his parents about his difficulties and feelings. Tip 2: Use \”oh\”, \”um\” and \”that\’s it\” to respond to questions and suggestions. When your child talks to you, your questions and blame Or the suggestions will disrupt the child\’s thinking, dampen the child\’s enthusiasm, and make it difficult for the child to have clear ideas and a positive attitude to talk about things and think about problems, so in the end it is \”Don\’t bother me!\” \”Try this: You can use simple words such as \”Oh…\” \”Hmm…\” \”That\’s right…\” to respond to the child. Only participate and do not interfere. Let the child finish speaking first. On the one hand, it expresses the parents\’ concern, and on the other hand, it does not interrupt the children and allows the children to sort out their thoughts and feelings during the narrative process, so that they may find solutions on their own. Tip 3: Say your child’s feelings instead of denying them. If your child is sad, say don’t be sad; if your child cries, say don’t cry; if your child is nervous, say don’t be nervous. You will find that it is not good to use such words to get rid of your child. No matter how good our attitude is, the child will only become more and more sad. Slowly, the child will not want to tell you when he is sad. Try this: Instead of denying your child\’s feelings, speak up and accept your child\’s feelings. When a child hears that his feelings are understood by his parents and his thoughts are expressed from your mouth, he will feel very relieved and grateful. Knowing that their parents understand how they are feeling makes it easier to open up to them. Tip 4: Use fantasy to realize their wishes instead of logical explanations. When children want something that is not available, we usually explain to them why it is not available. But the more you explain, the less likely your children will listen. Do you think your child is being unreasonable? Try this: use fantasy to help them realize their wishes without explanation. Sometimes children just need to be understood. When their desire for something is understood, they can accept the reality more easily. It should be noted that what is more critical than language and listening skills is our attitude. If we do not truly empathize with our children, no matter what we say, it will be hypocritical in the eyes of the children. Slowly, the children will become farther and farther away from us. Only by listening carefully, truly understanding the child\’s feelings, and empathizing with the child can the child\’s heart be touched, and a good parent-child relationship be established. Recently, I tried to use these techniques to calmly communicate with Rooney, and found that his cooperation has really improved, and he has been very conscious in the past two days. But today my brother crawled over and moved his toy, and he immediately shouted: \”Go away, annoying brother!\” I blurted out: \”You can\’t be so cruel to your brother! Don\’t you love your brother very much?\” After saying that , I immediately realized that I was wrong again, so I changed my words and said softly: \”You are very unhappy because your brother touched your toys. You don\’t want your brother to mess with your things, right? Then I will hug my brother Yes, but I hope you can speak to your brother more gently in the future. He is still so young and will be frightened.\” Rooney stopped shouting and replied in a low voice: \”Okay.\” This incident made me reflect on myself again. Although I have been able to accept most of my child\’s feelings, when I feel tired or something my child says makes me angry or anxious, I immediately return to my old self. Is this the reason why “I know so much about parenting, but still can’t take care of my children well”? It also requires constant awareness, reflection, and correction, I think.