Why are children who are “left alone” more likely to become academic champions?

A friend has a son, Little A, who is in kindergarten this year. He is very well-behaved and is considered by many parents to be \”other people\’s children.\” Although his friends never force him to study, he is very willing to take the initiative to learn. Sometimes after pronouncing an English word several times and still not being able to master it, he will burst into tears and feel like he is about to cry. When he eats too much ice cream, he gets diarrhea. However, when his father blamed himself, he would say: \”It\’s all my fault. I ate ice cream myself and got diarrhea.\” Every time he went out in the future, when others gave him ice cream, even though he was very He wants to eat, but he refuses, \”I won\’t eat, it will cause diarrhea.\” Little A represents a type of child: they are self-disciplined, have a good self-esteem system, and want to become better without the supervision of others. Know how to be considerate of others and be responsible for your own actions. There is another friend\’s child, Little B, who is in kindergarten class, but has the opposite temperament. He is extremely rebellious and cannot be touched, like a little bomb. Every time an adult criticizes him, as long as he feels that the adult is unreasonable, he will quickly rebound, leaving the adult speechless: \”I am not worthy of being your child! I want to run away from home!\” At this time, the adult will feel angry again. Funny again. Little B also represents a type of child: they have their own thoughts and opinions, know how to maintain their own boundaries, and have the courage to fight against adults. However, there is also a type of children in the crowd, and their behavior is as follows: they are frequently criticized and criticized, and their behavior is also subject to a lot of control and interference. However, the criticism from the parents is like a violent storm hitting the body, but the child stands motionless, appearing numb, without feeling, and without the ability to move. Little C is an example. Little C, a child in first grade this year, has a very caring mother. When Little C is doing his homework, his mother has to watch from the side, accompanying and supervising the whole process. Despite this, Little C still has a hard time doing homework. In his mother’s words, he “writes four words an hour.” The mother scolded her fiercely, but Little C didn\’t seem to feel anything at all. He didn\’t defend, resist, or correct. Not only that, Little C’s efficiency in class is also not good. The teacher reported that he keeps wandering off and gets distracted easily. Every time he heard the teacher\’s feedback, his mother would start to criticize him more strongly, but he didn\’t seem to feel anything. As time passed, my mother felt very helpless. She felt that this child really had the spirit of \”a dead pig is not afraid of boiling water\”. At the same time, she began to doubt herself: Why can\’t I raise a child who is a top student even though I work so hard? When these three types of children grow up, their performance in academic performance, interpersonal communication and intimate relationships are also very different. Children like Little A and Little B have been given greater autonomy by their parents since childhood and rarely interfere, criticize or accuse them. However, they will show a strong sense of autonomy and responsibility for their own achievements and behaviors. If their academic performance declines, they will first show guilt and anxiety, have a spontaneous motivation to make progress, and find ways to make up for the gap. However, Little C may not have a learning disability, and the parents spent the most effort but gained very little. Maybe it\’s not that he doesn\’t want to work hard, but that he feels \”unable to exert himself\”. Children like Little C can often be seen in schools and previous training institutions. Although teachers and parents have spent a lot of effort to cultivate and support, they have not had much effect. For these children, if they don’t want to get better, in the final analysis, there is a voice that keeps swirling in their hearts: I don’t deserve to get better, I only deserve to be like this. In fact, the motivation for children to spontaneously become good is given by their early caregivers. Parents may be able to give their children favorable living conditions and more resources, but a complete self-esteem system is the best gift parents can give their children. A good self-esteem system comes from a stable and cohesive sense of self. A child with a condensed sense of self will be naturally motivated because he feels that his life is precious and worthy of living a good life and pursuing beautiful things. Therefore, he does not allow himself to fall behind and has the initiative to make progress. The condensed sense of self comes from the correct treatment of the child by the caregiver. Only a life that has been fully seen, reflected, responded to and nourished early in life will work hard to improve from the heart. However, the question arises: As parents, how do we treat our children correctly and let them form a cohesive sense of self? I recently read a book that answered this question very well. The title of the book is \”There\’s Only One Thing in Life\”. There is only one thing in life, which is to live well. Only by living well can you learn to let go and not control your children in the name of love. Some parents place expectations on their children and let them do things that they cannot even do; they spend a lot of time playing with mobile phones, but require their children to read and study all day long, preferably without any rest time; they are not willing to spend money , but they invest generously in their children’s education, food, clothing, housing and transportation. However, Little A’s mother did not train her child in any way. When the child does his homework, she will at most check on him after he is done; she will not take care of the child\’s daily affairs in every detail, so Little A has learned to bathe himself, pack toys and daily necessities very early. She often said: \”Learning is your own business, and your mother will not get involved, but if you encounter difficulties, your mother can guide you.\” Everyone is an independent individual, and even parents and children need to do effective things. of separation. At the same time, parents’ self-discipline and growth are the best role models for their children. Little A’s mother is a rich and full-hearted person who attaches great importance to self-growth. She likes to read and study. There is a very natural learning atmosphere in Little A\’s home. Because his mother is reading a book, he can hear and feel what daily life is like. In addition, only by not blaming and responding effectively to the child\’s needs can we cultivate a child with high self-esteem. This places high demands on the parenting function of parents. If a person has a lot of anxiety, depression, fragility and troubles in his heart, he will not be able to see the inner needs of his children. Children need to be emotionally responded to and encouraged at the right time. After being frustrated, they also need timely comfort from their parents. Parents who are sensitive and powerful will provide their children with a solid sense of security and a high level of self-esteem, which is the foundation for a child to make progress spontaneously. In fact, if the above three items can be done, the child will basically be able to make progress on his own initiative, and parents will not need to spend a lot of effort to supervise or follow him.I have tried so hard to track it down with little success. However, some parents may raise questions: Doesn’t “letting go” of their children mean they are free-range? Shouldn’t we put the greatest effort into cultivating our children? Writer Fan Deng answered this question in a reading column. He said that many parents of high-achieving students would say that they did not supervise their children and track everything in detail, but many people disagreed. However, after careful study, we found that those children who develop well are really \”free-range\” by their parents. It may not be a secret, but for many parents, letting go is really hard. Maybe we can try to focus more on ourselves, love ourselves more, and develop ourselves more? Start by changing yourself, and your children will change accordingly, and the world will be very different from before.