Why can’t my mother-in-law become a “real mother”? This is the best answer I’ve ever seen…

I am not an only child. I have an older brother. He got married several years before me and his children are in primary school. I used to often tell my mother: \”To me, you are a qualified mother; but to my sister-in-law, you are not a good mother-in-law!\” Whenever I mentioned this, my mother told me to get out… I remember my sister-in-law\’s first When I was pregnant, the whole family was very happy, especially my mother, who spent all day trying to buy local eggs from her hometown in the countryside, saying they were nutritious and should be eaten more. But when my sister-in-law was more than 50 days pregnant, her progesterone, estrogen and other indicators were particularly low, whether due to physical differences or other reasons. Although I took a lot of medicine and rested in bed for a long time, I still miscarried. During that time, my sister-in-law was very depressed and cried whenever she thought about it. It took us a long time to help my sister-in-law get rid of her self-blame and pessimism. On weekdays, my brother and I are very careful when talking and avoid any topics related to miscarriage, so as not to arouse my sister-in-law\’s emotions again. However, my mother is a bit \”ignorant\” and always mentions this matter intentionally or unintentionally: \”I asked someone to bring some free-range eggs from my hometown. You should eat more! People have said that it is not easy for weak people to get pregnant!\” \”Get up early in the morning and go out for a walk. You can\’t move all the time. It\’s not easy to get pregnant!\” \”Stop playing with your mobile phone when you have nothing to do. People say that mobile phones and computers radiate powerful radiation. It\’s not easy to get pregnant after a long time.\”…How about we? It was easy to help my sister-in-law forget about this incident and get over the shadow of the miscarriage, but my mother\’s repeated \”concerns\” always made my sister-in-law feel very uncomfortable, and she secretly hid in her room and cried. My mother may not have any ill intentions, but the way and content of her words are really uncomfortable. \”It\’s not easy to get pregnant if you\’re weak\”, \”It\’s not easy to get pregnant if you play with mobile phones\”, \”It\’s not easy to get pregnant if you don\’t exercise\”… These words are obviously I put all the responsibility for the miscarriage on my sister-in-law. There are actually many similar things. So it’s no wonder that as time went by, my sister-in-law would often complain when chatting with her friends… Later, I also got married, and finally experienced first-hand the embarrassment and difficulty of being a daughter-in-law: first arriving at someone else’s home, people, and the environment They are all strangers. Although my parents-in-law have been persuading me, \”This will be your home from now on\”, \”Don\’t be restrained\”, \”Eat what you should eat and drink what you should drink\”, but that feeling of embarrassment and strangeness really doesn\’t last for a while. I can overcome it. And as we spend more and more time together, especially during the period of pregnancy and confinement, there are more and more things that don’t please each other, and there are never any small conflicts and frictions… Only then did I really understand I really feel that it is better to be my own mother! It is difficult to get along with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law who lack good coordination. Because my mother has both sons and daughters, she now \”holds\” multiple identities: to my brother\’s children, she is the grandmother; to my children, she is the grandmother. . Of course, she is both what I call a \”good mother\” and what my sister-in-law calls a \”difficult mother-in-law.\” My mother\’s \”special status\” made me deeply feel that in many conflict-ridden relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it\’s not really about who has bad character, bad temper, or difficulty getting along, but more about the lack of integration and transition. The reason why mother and daughter get along easily is because they have been working together for more than 20 years.The thorns have been raised, the anger that needs to be gambled has been exhausted, and the arguments that need to be quarreled are almost over. Both sides know each other\’s likes, dislikes and bottom lines, and know how to avoid collisions and conflicts. But the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are different. The two people who had not had much contact before suddenly had to live in such a close environment and became \”the most familiar strangers.\” . Many times, an unintentional word between each other can cause waves. Just like what my mother did to my sister-in-law before, she said all day long that \”it\’s not easy to get pregnant if you don\’t exercise\” and \”it\’s not easy to get pregnant if you play with mobile phones.\” Although it was well-intentioned, it was true for my sister-in-law who was still in the shadow of miscarriage. s damage. Families that give birth to boys and girls may be fundamentally different. Girls are naturally delicate and sentimental, and are willing to share their little thoughts and secrets with their mothers, so mother and daughter will have more emotional communication. Even when a girl becomes an adult, she can still act coquettishly with her mother, walk hand in hand and chat with her. But as many boys continue to grow up, they become further and further away from their mothers. Although they can be coquettish and cute when they are young, when they grow up, society expects them to be independent, masculine, and strong. If they get tired of being around their mother, they will be laughed out of their friends. Therefore, the ideological and emotional communication between the boy and his mother becomes blocked and unsmooth. In those only-child families, as the boy grows up, becomes independent, and moves away, the mother will become emotionally deficient and deficient, which may lead to the mother\’s personality being prone to anxiety and instability, making her seem a bit difficult to get along with. Many mothers end up having trouble getting along with their biological sons, let alone their daughters-in-law. Many mothers who gave birth to sons told me: \”When I think about being destined to be a mother-in-law in the future, and when I think about the possibility of being complained and disliked by my daughter-in-law, I feel a little sad…\” \”Marry\” and \”Marry\” in traditional culture \”The concept often aggravates the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Many young people nowadays buy houses and settle down in the place where they work, sharing the cost and pressure of life. They live neither in the man\’s home nor in the woman\’s home. However, the concepts of \”marry in\” and \”marry out\” are still deeply ingrained in the minds of the older generation. Because the groom\’s family \”brings the daughter-in-law into the family\” and needs to pay high betrothal gifts and even mortgages, in the subconscious mind of many mothers-in-law, they are still the \”number one\” in the family, and the daughter-in-law is just a \”junior\” and \”outsider\”. Therefore, in the In getting along with the daughter-in-law, control and interference in the trivial matters of the daughter-in-law\’s life are always reflected. But the actual situation is that the son and daughter-in-law broke away from the old family of origin. They formed a new family, and they are the owners of the new family. Therefore, in this conflict of concepts, there are more and more contradictions. In fact, many young people are deeply influenced by traditional concepts. They feel that it is natural for their mother-in-law to take care of the confinement and take care of the children. They \”well deserve it\”. Not only do they not have the slightest sense of gratitude, they are also full of self-blame and disrespect for their mother-in-law. , which is also the cause of conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Relying on one\’s own needs and maintaining a sense of boundaries are good medicines for alleviating conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. My friend Luo Jing (distinguished expert of Parents\’ Must-Read Lecture) is a Ph.D. in Psychology from the Chinese Academy of Sciences.During a chat, she casually said something that was particularly profound: \”It is best to keep a little distance between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, both psychologically and in life. Some people say that the best distance is the distance between a bowl of soup and a bowl of soup.\” A bowl of soup is not hot or cold when it is carried from your own residence to your mother-in-law\’s residence. However, many elderly people are in poor health and need care at all times, so the distance for a bowl of soup is still too far. The best distance is Just live close to each other, but not in the same house. Just be able to hear each other\’s door openings. In this way, you can take care of each other without disturbing each other.\” Of course, many things are easy to say, but in practice, they are difficult. Every family has its cupboard. I believe that many of the mothers who read this article will definitely become mothers-in-law in the future. I really hope that through the efforts of our generation, the bad things like \”mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship\” and \”son preference\” can be put to an end as soon as possible. …