Why can\’t you get into the child\’s heart? Because you don\’t know how to listen

I once heard such a story. A girl has been troubled by depression. She can\’t cheer up for anything. She is unwilling to go to work or even go out. She feels that she is useless and her life is boring. The consultant listened to her attentively and asked her a question seriously: \”You said that you felt that you were about to be swallowed up by depression and couldn\’t extricate yourself. However, you still freshen yourself up once a week and try to get out of the house. , walked across half the city and sat in front of me. I really want to know what power enables you to overcome depression and persist in doing this?\” The girl was stunned for a moment. The answer was obvious, but it was something she had never thought of: it was her own power! Although she felt that she was worthless and unsatisfactory, deep down in her heart, she still didn\’t want to give up on herself, and she still wanted to pull herself out of the emotional quagmire. It turns out that I still have power! This question was like a spark, arousing a sense of strength in her heart. Even though it was so weak, a turnaround happened. This story touched me. It was also from this story that I gradually understood what true listening is. I used to think I was good at listening. In a conversation, I am more accustomed to playing the role of a listener. I have a lot of patience and enthusiasm to help others solve their problems. I also learned the etiquette skills of listening: lean forward slightly, focus your eyes, and focus on the triangle between the other person’s brow and the tip of the nose. I should listen from time to time. Responded… It wasn\’t until I entered the field of psychology that I discovered that my so-called good listening skills were just scratching the surface and far from touching the essence of listening. True listening is not just physical proximity, but also heart-to-heart proximity. A very good friend is in emotional trouble. I thought I could clearly see where the problem was, so I explained it from various angles and explained it in simple terms. I broke it into pieces and analyzed it to her, why it was wrong and what should be done. The phone call often lasted an hour or two. My friend nodded in agreement: Well, what you said makes sense, I understand. However, not long after, she still asked in distress: What do you think I should do? Several times like this, I was very frustrated: after talking earnestly for a long time, I was back to the original point. Thinking about it now, my listening was full of suggestions and judgments, and I tried desperately to instill what I thought was the right idea into her mind, hoping to enlighten her – how could she not understand such a simple truth? However I was wrong. This is not called listening, this is called judging, it is called indoctrination. I didn\’t really \”see\” her – why didn\’t she understand such a simple truth? That was the problem. She must have her thoughts, her thinking patterns, her hesitations, her weaknesses. I listened to her story with my head, not my heart. Listening is not an easy task. We are accustomed to listening with our rational minds. When listening, our minds are running at high speed, busy calculating, analyzing, evaluating, and solving problems. And true listening, as Taiwanese psychological counselor Dr. Zhou Zhijian said: requires a kind of simplicity. We must \”turn ourselves into five-year-old children\” and enter life with an \”innocent heart\” that is emotional, spiritual, and intuitive. real listening, instead of relying on a rational mind, it requires a kind of life investment to interpret the other person\’s life story. \”Only life can reach the life of another person.\” So, after all these years, do we really “hear” what our children are saying? The child ran over excitedly: \”Mom, look at how beautiful this little stone is, I just discovered it!\” \”Look at you, you are covered in dirt, look at your little dirty hands, go home and wash your hands in a while! \”The child lay on the bed: \”Mom, I don\’t want to go to school today.\” \”What\’s the matter? As long as I\’m not sick, I have to go to school every day. Get up quickly!\” The child was very happy: \”Mom, I got 95 in the Chinese test today. Score!\” \”Oh, that\’s right. How many scores are above 90 in your class? How many points did Xiao Ming get? Where did you lose those 5 points?\” The child broke his leg and cried in pain. \”I\’ve told you before, keep an eye on him as he walks, and don\’t jump up and down. If you don\’t listen to me no matter how many times, you\’ll know it hurts now.\” What a familiar scene and conversation. We see the problems, we see the scores, we see ourselves being right, but we don’t see the children. Learn to listen, first see. Not only should we see the naughty, rebellious, sensible, and crying child in front of us, we should also see the child as a \”person\” with the \”eyes of wisdom\” of our soul. This requires us to give up \”ego\” and take things for granted, slow down, squat down, and put ourselves in his shoes to understand his mood and feelings. One night, Chengzi packed his schoolbag and showed me the \”military map\” he drew in school as if it were a treasure. I had a lot of things to do, so I walked over and took a quick look: \”Oh, it\’s pretty good. It\’s interesting.\” Chengzi didn\’t say anything more and just took the painting and pondered it. I suddenly realized how perfunctory I was. It’s never too late to do the housework later, and companionship is more important. I sat down and looked at this map with Orange. Upon closer inspection, I found a lot of \”mysteries\”: \”Which is your country?\” Chengzi suddenly started talking and started pointing out the country on the \”map\”: \”This is my country, that is Xiaohua\’s country, I divided the territory between Xiaohua and Xiaolan, so that they are more evenly matched. This is the formation I set up, and I surrounded Xiaolan’s army here…\” I listened and asked, and gradually, I seemed to see something Such a scene: after class, several third-grade boys gathered together and talked enthusiastically. There were competitions, mutual assistance and cooperation, childish fun, and looming adult rules… Cheng Zi said happily. , I heard it interestingly. If I had never sat down and asked that question out of curiosity, then I would have only seen the map with childish handwriting, and would not have known that there was a child\’s smart world hidden behind the map. In addition to \”seeing\”, the next step is to discover the child\’s inner power from words. Good listening can bring strength to people. This requires us to look at what he “has” in the process of listening, rather than what he “doesn’t have”. Look at what he \”did\” rather than what he \”didn\’t do\”. This kind of listening leads to good questions. What are good questions? It was the kind of question that would make someone slightly stunned and make him think. Because he had never thought about it this way, this question broke through his usual thinking mode and made himDiscovery: Hey, you can think of it this way, I still have such potential – just like the story of the girl at the beginning of the article. You might as well ask your children more questions like: Why? (why)——Why do you think so? Why do you do this? how did you do it? (how) How do you feel when you do this? What are you thinking? (what) One day on the way to school, Chengzi said: \”I am going to make a PPT for math class this weekend, and I will give a speech next week.\” I said: \”Oh, is it your turn next week?\” Chengzi said: \”Not everyone has to speak, they signed up voluntarily.\” My curiosity arose: \”Did you sign up voluntarily?\” (You know, the PPT theme speech in the Chinese class not long ago, if the teacher hadn\’t asked everyone to Chengzi didn’t want to talk about it. It seemed that the speech made him feel good.) Chengzi said: “Yes, I want to talk about it.” “Wow, that’s really good, the kid is great!” I touched his little head. (Usually, the conversation ends here.) I thought about it and asked again: \”By the way, why do you want to give a speech?\” The child obviously thought for a moment and said, \”It feels very good to give a speech.\” I then asked Follow-up question: \”How does it feel \’cool\’?\” \”It\’s because I can express what I want to say. It\’s very enjoyable.\” (Unexpected but a great answer.) \”I understand, this kind of standing in front of everyone , it does feel good to speak your thoughts out loud. But this requires preparation and practice in advance. What topic do you plan to talk about?\” Next, we started to discuss the topic he wanted to talk about. My question made Chengzi\’s originally vague idea of ​​\”wanting to give a speech\” become clearer, allowing him to see that behind the \”want\” it turns out that he likes to express his thoughts in public, and he likes the feeling of standing on the podium. Everyone\’s self is \”constructed\” and constructed by the feedback of people around them, especially children. Active listening will give children positive feedback, allowing them to see themselves more clearly, see their inner strength, and see what they are good at – this actually helps the child shape his self-identity bit by bit. Know. At the same time, listening will also help you understand your child better and create a positive and warm parent-child relationship. Children need you to listen, really listen. Listening is not just a matter of the ears, nor is it just a matter of the mind, it requires the participation of the heart. Think about it, to whom would we open our hearts? What is her charm that makes us willing to reveal our innermost feelings to her? In what kind of conversations will we feel peaceful and full of positive energy? Is it a gossip chat about people from the east to the west? Is it a complaining meeting where you talk to yourself and take turns pouring out your bitterness? Is it because he keeps saying that he is doing your best? Or a heart-to-heart talk that allows you to look within and see what makes you unique? We know how to treat our children as we want to be treated ourselves. This is where true listening begins. Entering the child\’s inner world starts from here.