Why do children always like to cling to their mothers? The truth behind it is sad

During the recent summer vacation, my friend was worried about his son every day. It\’s not because she is addicted to mobile games, but because her son likes to call her \”Mom\” all day long and stick to her side all the time. Even when I go to work, I still receive calls from my son from time to time. A friend said that when my children were young, they were clingy but didn\’t think there was any problem. But after the summer vacation, I will be in fifth grade soon. I still have to hold my mother\’s hand tightly when I go out. She has to respond to everything, and she has to keep an eye on trivial matters such as food, clothing, housing and transportation. I\’m really afraid that my child will become a \”mom\’s baby\” in the future and won\’t be able to be independent. My friend\’s concerns are not unreasonable. Although it is normal for children in infants and young children to kiss their mothers, parents at this time should really give their children a sufficient sense of security. But as children grow up day by day, parents must also begin to consciously cultivate their children\’s independence and gradually complete the \”separation\” between parents and children. The child is still young, so we need to give him a sense of security. There is a little boy in the neighbor\’s house. He is quite small and is already in the second grade. But I often see him clinging to his mother. He would hold her mother\’s hand tightly when entering the elevator, for fear of being separated by the crowd. I heard from his mother that her son was kept in his hometown for a few years before he was born and was raised by his elderly grandparents. She and her husband can only go back to spend time with their children on weekends and holidays. I didn\’t receive my son until he was in the first grade of kindergarten, but I didn\’t expect him to be so timid. Except for his mother, he would not agree to anyone talking to him. I don\’t want to sleep in a small bed by myself at night, so I have to share the big bed with my mother. Sometimes the father wants to come over to help and play with his son, but the son always asks his mother to be there too. When she goes to school every day, her son looks sad and keeps reminding her: \”Mom, you have to be the first one to pick me up after school. You must be the first one.\” Seeing her son\’s almost \”unable\” look when leaving her, She felt very regretful. If she had gritted her teeth and raised the child by herself, she wouldn\’t be like this now. When it comes to \”accompanying their children\”, many parents have misunderstandings. It is believed that children who are clingy and easily nervous are born with a weak and cowardly character. In fact, from a psychological point of view, when children have such problems when they are young, it is more likely that the symbiotic relationship with their parents has not developed well. So much so that he is afraid of the separation of his parents (especially his mother) and feels insecure when he can\’t see his parents. Before the age of 3, children and parents are one. If someone comforts him when he cries, feeds him when he is hungry, and puts him to sleep when he is sleepy… his needs are met in time, and a healthy \”symbiotic relationship\” will naturally develop. When he grows up and begins to have object consciousness, he will more easily accept the new understanding of \”I am me and my parents are my parents\”. If he is uncomfortable, hungry, or scared, his parents will not rush to respond to him and satisfy him immediately. In his mind, it is easy to form catastrophizing impressions and concepts. In order to avoid facing such negative emotions again, once his parents return home or his mother becomes more sensitive to the problem, he will cling to him and never let go of this sense of security for a moment. The company of parents and the smell of mother are the most reassuring existence for young children. If all these are lost prematurely and not dealt with and repaired in time, the \”stickiness\” problem will only become more and more serious when the child reaches senior grade or adolescence. When your child gets older, don’t forget to give him a “psychological break”\”Breast\” Some parents asked: It is understandable that a 3-year-old child has separation anxiety, but it is too shameful for an older child to cling to his mother like a follower all day long. Before discussing the reasons behind the child\’s problem, let\’s look at a help-seeking story. Yes A father wrote to Chen Mo, an education expert, saying: His son is 14 years old, nearly 1.7 meters tall, and his behavior is really unacceptable. He used to live on campus in kindergarten and elementary school, and he has long since learned to live independently; but since junior high school, he has been living with his parents. He has become a giant baby. Every day when he gets up, his mother must squeeze out the toothpaste, otherwise he will not brush his teeth. At night, before going to bed, his son will ask his mother to tickle him, and he will not fall asleep if he does not. , the father even had a big quarrel with his family, objecting to spoiling his son so much. Is his son \”degraded\”? Chen Mo said bluntly: Because the child has separation anxiety, his parents did not deal with it well when he was a child. When he grows up, he will use various \”children\”. \”Behavior\” to test the love of their parents. Many adolescent children appear to be well-behaved and sensible on the surface, and are particularly obedient to their parents, especially their mothers. They fill their insecurities through excessive dependence and intimacy. This is because they have not completed their early childhood The natural differentiation of the \”symbiotic relationship\” means that he is forced to use various methods to verify the conclusion that \”I am worthy of being loved\”. Even if he finally succeeds in achieving \”psychological weaning\”, he will have to pay a higher price than others. . I think of a male friend who has followed the rules since he was a child and listened to his parents on everything from choosing a major to what he should wear tomorrow. If his parents don’t agree, he will take it as his own and try his best to comply with their requests. Playing the role of a \”good son\”, he kept saying \”My mother said…\” and took his parents\’ words as an imperial edict, never daring to disobey him. Only after graduating from college and going out into society did he realize: after living for 22 years, He has never lived a good life for himself. He had to spend 10 more years, bruised and bruised in the workplace and in love, before he regained his lost self little by little. Education experts said: a good parent-child relationship. , it is time to move towards separation. If the child is too dependent on the child at the age of independence and is still very clinging to the mother during adolescence, parents should realize that the \”symbiotic relationship\” with the child has not been handled well and the mother bears too much nurturing responsibility. This leads to children\’s psychological confusion, undifferentiation, and inseparability. Once a child cannot be \”independent\”, it will naturally be difficult to \”stand\” and enjoy the state of being cared for and protected by his parents, and there is a high probability that he will not grow into a qualified adult. The most important nutrient for children to grow up is to love first, then separate. Psychological expert Wu Zhihong said: In childhood, parents’ unconditional love is like creating a safe island. With a safe island in their hearts, children will confidently explore the world and interact with others. . They firmly believe that if they are injured or frustrated, they can return to this safe island at any time. In the first few years of their children\’s life, parents need to spend time and attention caring for them so that they can gain a sense of security and value in the symbiotic relationship. At this age, when children begin to have self-awareness and need to complete symbiotic separation, parents, especially fathers, must actively participate and provide guidance. Here, I would like to share 3 effective methods for the reference of parents with \”clingy\” children. :1. Actively accompany your children and accept their uneasiness and anxiety. No matter what stage a child is at, his emotions and feelings are revealing his inner needs. Especially when a child is used to having his parents in his life and is highly sensitive to what his parents say and do, he will be afraid of being left alone when his parents leave. What parents have to do is to actively accompany him, accept him, and respond to him with practical actions: Don\’t be afraid, mom and dad are here. Children have high emotional needs. Satisfy them as much as possible. No young child will find his parents love too much. The more the child pesters them and feels anxious, the more parents should focus on him and see him. Note that the whole family should participate as much as possible and do not put all the responsibilities on the mother. Only when the adults at home fully understand and tolerate the child\’s negative emotions, hug him often, and have close physical contact with him, can the child feel at ease and feel at ease, and continue to explore his independent self-world. 2. Implement “progressive separation”. The growth of a child needs to be gradual. Don\’t push the child out abruptly when you feel that the time for \”separation\” has come. Especially for children who are prone to \”separation anxiety\”, parents need to take their time and let the children gradually adapt to their parents\’ absence. For example, at the beginning, tell your children in advance, \”Mom and dad are going to leave for a while and will come back when they want.\” You can leave after getting the child\’s consent, but you must come back at the agreed time to let the child know that the parents are trustworthy. Slowly and gradually extend the time and frequency of leaving, continuously strengthen the positive expectations in the child\’s heart, and achieve separation from the child in a gradual manner. 3. Let go and encourage children to learn to be independent. To better achieve the effect of healthy separation from their children, parents must take the initiative and dare to let their children try to complete something independently. If possible, the father should be more involved, take the initiative to take the children to do housework, clean up their own rooms, take the garbage out to throw away… Compared with the mother\’s hands-on approach, the father\’s education method is more likely to give the child a different experience, allowing him to There are more opportunities to try it yourself and develop the habit of \”doing your own things yourself\”. When children gain a sense of accomplishment through their own hands and are convinced that they can do it without their parents, only then can they grow up smoothly and become adults. With the support and encouragement of his parents and confidence in himself, he will be able to rely on his own wisdom and tenacity to meet future challenges. They say raising children is like leveling up and fighting monsters. Each stage of the child has its own exclusive curriculum, waiting for parents to study and answer questions. Although there is no established formula for a child\’s growth, there is also no problem-solving method that is guaranteed to get full marks. But as long as we sink our hearts to love him, accompany him, and understand him, we can continue to find the best solution in getting along with him. Even some growth issues are a painful journey to transformation and nirvana for children. But please believe that he will eventually transform and advance in love, become a responsible person for himself, and live his life with confidence.