Why do children always lose their temper? Brain science tells you that it’s not the child’s fault, but that their brains are not ready

I remember when I was in elementary school, when I was writing essays, the most commonly used formula to describe changes in the weather was – \”Like a child\’s face, it changes at will\”, but in fact, I never understood why I wrote it like this until I had The child has a deep understanding of this sentence. How could there be such a little monster in this world? It was clear that he had just finished eating one second, but the next second he wanted to eat candy immediately. If he didn\’t give it, his face would change drastically, and he would cry until he was out of breath. I obviously feel happy when I come back from kindergarten every day, but why do I still hold onto your thigh every morning when it’s time for school, crying and shouting “I don’t want to go to school”? I obviously already have an identical toy car at home, so why do I still have to make a fuss and buy another one when I go to the mall? You obviously agreed to watch only two episodes of the anime, but why did you go back on your word when the time came and refuse to turn off the TV to the death? I don’t know how many times I told him not to yell when he is angry, but when his temper comes up, his voice is still thunderous, and he might even throw things and mess with adults. …Why is this child completely unable to control his emotions? Faced with his moodiness, you have tried empathy, coercion, inducement, and even beating and scolding, but the next time you encounter the same situation, he will still cry when he should, and he will still make trouble when he should, and you will not see him at all. Long memory, why is this happening? You really have no choice but to spread your hands and ask God helplessly: Is there something wrong with this child\’s brain? In fact, you are right to ask, children have difficulty controlling their emotions because they have “problems” with their brains! In his book \”Whole Brain Parenting\”, Daniel Siegel analyzes the reasons why children are prone to emotions from the perspective of brain science. 1. Left brain and right brain You may have already known that the brain is divided into left and right parts. You should also briefly understand that the left brain is rational and the right brain is emotional. In fact, a more accurate statement is that the left brain loves and desires order and is logical, realistic, linguistic and linear, while the right brain is emotional, non-verbal and experiential. The right brain is more directly affected by the body and Effects on lower regions of the brain responsible for receiving and interpreting emotional information. Before the child is 3 years old, the right brain dominates, so they cannot express their feelings in highly abstract and logical language. They live completely in the present, crying when they want, and laughing when they want; therefore, they They will squat on the sidewalk and watch the little beetles crawling without any scruples. Even if they are late for class, they will not feel guilty. Therefore, even if they like school very much, they will still cry when they are separated from you every morning. Extremely sad. Logic, responsibility, and the concept of time simply don\’t exist for them. Only when they started asking \”why\” constantly did his left brain start to work, because the left brain would think about the linear cause-and-effect relationship of everything in the world and try to express the logic in language. 2. Upper Brain and Lower Brain The dominant role of the right brain in children makes them extremely emotional, while the unfinished upper brain causes them to easily act impulsively when they are emotionally excited, regardless of the consequences and without considering the feelings of others. . What is the upper brain? Our brains can not only analyzeIt is divided into left and right parts and can also be divided into upper and lower parts. The lower brain, including the brainstem and limbic areas, is located in a lower position and is the primitive brain, which is already very developed when the child is born. The lower brain is responsible for the body\’s basic functions (like breathing and blinking), innate reactions and impulses (like fight and avoidance), and powerful emotions (like anger and fear). When a child sees a dazzling array of toys in the mall, even if he just bought a new toy yesterday, he will still cry and want to buy another one today; when a child faces a strange environment, even if you tell him \”Mom is by your side\” , don’t be afraid.” He will still instinctively hide behind you and dare not come out. This is his lower brain at work. If the brain is compared to a two-story building, then the lower brain is the first floor of the house. It meets our basic living needs. The kitchen, dining room, and bathroom are all on this floor. As for the upper brain, you can think of it as a study or library on the second floor. The four sides and ceiling are filled with windows and skylights, giving you a clearer view. It controls humans\’ advanced analytical thinking abilities, such as decision-making, emotional control, Self-knowledge, empathy, morality, etc. If the upper brain can function normally, then children can regulate their emotions well, consider the consequences of doing things, think twice before acting, and consider the feelings of others. Unfortunately, the upper brain does not fully develop until a person is about 25 years old. A child\’s brain is like a two-story building under construction. The first floor of the house has been completed and has all the facilities, while the second floor is still unfinished and has construction tools scattered everywhere. Because of this, it’s easy for children to be trapped in the lower levels, without the role of the upper brain, children are prone to tantrums, make ridiculous decisions, and generally lack empathy and self-understanding. 3. Amygdala: At the bottom edge of the lower brain, and at the connection with the upper brain, there is a special organization – the amygdala. Its function is to quickly process and express emotions, especially the two emotions of anger and fear. When we feel danger is coming, the amygdala can completely take over or hijack the upper brain. Therefore, when we see an obstacle in front of us while driving, we will step on the brakes without thinking; when we see a child about to fall from the bed, we will immediately reach out to catch it. This part of the role of the amygdala is undoubtedly a need for human survival, but sometimes it can also cause us trouble, especially for children. Their amygdala often \”fires\”, blocking the communication between the upper and lower brains. ladder. This aggravates children\’s impulsive behavior: the upper brain has not yet been fully constructed, and under intense emotions and tremendous pressure, even the door to the upper brain is closed. Once you understand the development and working principles of the brain, you will find out how ridiculous the things we say to our children are: \”You should be more sensible!\”, \”Why can\’t you control your emotions?\”, \”We should think twice before doing things. Okay!\”, \”Why can\’t you understand mom?\” In fact, all these expectations for children are unrealistic. Understanding this, when facing children’s “problems”, we should adjust our expectations: for children who have not yet developed intoFor a mature brain, what they do is already the best. However, understanding all this does not mean that we have reason to allow children to do whatever they want: making noises in public places, grabbing other people\’s toys at will, hitting others when they disagree, etc. On the contrary, it is understanding the structure of the brain that allows us to more effectively help children integrate their brains and develop their potential. Integrating the brain means letting the left and right brains, upper and lower brains work together. When children\’s brains are not integrated, this is how they behave: they are overwhelmed with emotions, confused, confused, irritable and restless, unable to handle the situation at hand, collapse and even attack others. This gives many parents a headache, but from another perspective, every time a child has a problem, it is the best time to educate. Once we understand the principles of brain operation, we can use it to help children integrate their brains. How to do this? Daniel Siegel gives 12 specific parenting steps and methods in the book: Integrate the left and right brains. When a child loses his temper, do not rush to suppress the temper. Use the right brain versus the right brain (emotional and emotional) approach to guide and Encourage your child to talk about how they are feeling. Method 1: Listen and pay attention: When a child is sad, the first thing to do is to make an emotional connection, that is, a right-brain-to-right-brain connection. Once the child is able to control and master his emotions, introduce left-brain education and regulation. Method 2: Sharing experiences: When a child cannot control intense right-brain emotions, help him talk about things that make him sad, so that the left brain can function, allowing the child to clean up his own experience and have a greater sense of control. Integrating the upper and lower brain The lower brain is already well developed when a child is born, while the upper brain does not fully develop until a person is in his or her twenties. To make the upper and lower brains work together, it is necessary to continuously strengthen the training of the upper brain. Method 3: Use your brain but not your anger: In a state of stress, mobilize the child\’s upper brain instead of stimulating the lower brain. Don\’t just say \”I have the final say\”. Questions should be asked and discussion should be used instead of choices and negotiations. Method 4 becomes more effective the more you use it: it provides a lot of opportunities to exercise your upper brain. Play the \”what would you do if it were you\” game to avoid making complicated decisions for your child. Method 5: Exercise transforms the brain: When a child loses contact with his upper brain, help him regain balance through physical exercise. Integrated memory method 6: Thinking remote control: When a child is unwilling to retell a painful experience, teach him to use his inner remote control to pause, replay or fast-forward when retelling, so that he can control the retelling process. Tip 7: Ask and Encourage: Help your child make more memories by letting them practice recalling important events—in the car, at the dinner table, anywhere. Method 8 of Integrating the Self: The Cloud Principle: Remind children that feelings are like clouds that come and go; they are temporary states, not permanent traits. Method 9 Emotional Palette: Help children pay attention to inner feelings, images, feelings and thoughts. Method 10: Seventh Sense: Through seventh sense practice, children can learn to calm themselves down and allocate attention according to their own wishes. Integrating Self and Others No. 11 Parent-child Interaction: Create laughter and laughter in the family, so that children will interact with the mostPeople close to us enjoy positive, satisfying interpersonal experiences. Method 12: Empathy: Treat conflicts as opportunities rather than obstacles that need to be avoided. Use conflicts to teach children some necessary interpersonal skills, such as seeing problems from others\’ perspectives, reading non-verbal messages, repairing relationships, etc. Many parenting books and articles have provided us with many methods and suggestions on how to raise children and how to communicate with them. However, when faced with children losing control of their emotions, we always feel that these methods and suggestions are ineffective, so we begin to doubt these methods. Theories and methods have unknowingly returned to the old path of treating children roughly and trying to use authority to discipline them. With the support of these brain science studies, we can handle parent-child issues more confidently, thereby establishing a closer relationship with children and helping them shape positive and healthy brains. Children raised with a whole-brain education not only have clear logic, rich feelings, and stable emotions, but also have higher levels of thinking and decision-making, and can better understand themselves and the world around them. Of course, to guide our children, we must first consciously integrate our own brains. Just imagine, how can a parent who is easily controlled by emotions, loses his temper when his child loses his temper, lacks awareness and control of his own state, and cannot understand his child, how can he raise a \”whole-brained\” child? Raising children is a two-way process. Sometimes the problems in children are like mirrors that reflect our problems. Understanding the layout of children\’s brains can not only be used to educate children, but it can also upgrade our emotional control. Parenting means raising oneself, and we hope that we and our children will grow together.