Why do children turn a deaf ear to your words? How to speak so that children will listen

Last week, my best friend and her two-and-a-half-year-old son came all the way from China to New York to experience Halloween. My best friend\’s family is traveling abroad, and no matter how busy the baby\’s father is, he will take time off from work to accompany the baby. With the grandparents accompanying him, the lineup is always luxurious. When we went out to eat together, before the food was ordered, my best friend\’s son climbed on the chair. His mother told him \”no, sit down\” several times, but he turned a deaf ear. In the end, he stood on the chair and shook the back of the chair so hard that he almost fell. When I got down, my best friend stopped me angrily. When the food arrived, he asked to play with his father\’s mobile phone again. When the father said no, his best friend\’s son began to wail incessantly, attracting frequent glances from other guests. He randomly picked the food from his plate onto the table in protest. Dad ignored him, but grandma couldn\’t stand it anymore. She said, \”Let the kids play with it. It\’s just a mobile phone. What\’s the big deal?\” On the way to send my best friend back to the hotel, she held my hand and complained, \”Look, boys are so difficult to control. They can\’t be beaten, and they won\’t listen to what they say. Even if the control is a little stricter, the old man will come out to interfere. It\’s really a big deal.\” . We talked for a long time that night about why children turn a deaf ear to what their parents say. And when disciplining a child, what exactly should you say so that he will listen? It’s best to set rules as early as possible. I once heard a very strange saying: If children start to set rules when they are very young, would it be too cruel? He is not allowed to do this or that at home, and he will be even more timid when he goes out. I think people who think this way may confuse \”obeying the rules\” with \”having no self-confidence\”. An unruly child is not necessarily a confident child. When an unruly child collides with the outside world, he will find that only his family will accommodate him. In school, unruly children will be disliked. He will be confused and uneasy about the outside world. On the contrary, those children who have learned self-discipline since childhood have more mature personalities and can adapt to society more confidently. Burton L White, an American early childhood education expert, found that babies under 6 months old do not have a sense of \”rules\” yet. When they cry to express their needs, parents should try to satisfy them; but after 6-8 months, they can start to establish rules. In fact, children have an amazing understanding of \”rules\”. From some simple instructions at the beginning to gradually introducing reasoning after one year old, 7-22 months is the critical period for establishing the baby\’s awareness of rules. For example, an 8-month-old baby grabs his mother\’s face out of curiosity. At this time, he firmly tells the baby \”it hurts\” or \”no\” and takes the baby\’s hand away. This is the beginning of establishing rules. When setting rules, it’s important for the whole family to be on the same page. For example, in the previous article, the father was correcting the baby\’s behavior of playing with the mobile phone while eating, and the grandma came out to protect the baby. This made the child particularly easy to get confused: So, can the baby play with the mobile phone or not? Or even though my father won’t let me play, I can play in front of my grandma? The whole family is not unified, and the rules are set in vain. Give your children some mental preparation time. Every time I take Su Bao to the park, I observe two different types of parents. A situation where when you tell your child it\’s time to go home, the child simply ignores it and drags the child away for half an hour, or the parent drags the child away while crying.. Another kind of parent can always let their children leave easily. The difference lies in the way parents manage them. Preschool children\’s concept of time is still budding. When they are focusing on a certain toy or game, they will be surprised if they are suddenly interrupted, and crying may ensue. Many American mothers around me do a good job in this regard. Before they leave, they will remind their children that there are still 10 minutes, 5 minutes, and 1 minute, and then time up. Children who are used to this procedure, Because I am mentally prepared every time I leave the park, I will stick to the time rules. This technique is equally effective for managing your baby\’s TV viewing time, bedtime time, and the number of snacks (e.g., these are the last three cookies). Keep your word. Once the rules are established, they must be implemented. Never go back on your word. Su Bao was particularly interested in painting during this time. When she first started using crayons, her artistic inspiration exploded. She rolled up her sleeves and started drawing on the walls and furniture. I quickly stopped her. She stopped immediately when she heard the sound, but after a while she started to want to draw on the wall again. From the age of one and a half, I began to implement the \”twice rule\” with Su Bao. For example, if she draws on the furniture, I will remind her that she is not allowed, but if she continues to draw on the furniture after two reminders, I will gently take the crayon away from her hand and tell her the reason. You will find that parents have strong execution ability, their behavior and opinions are always stable, and their children will respect your control very much. When correcting a child\’s behavior, the tone should be gentle but firm. There is no need to yell loudly, let alone murmur. Su Bao liked to throw tableware and food everywhere when eating for a while. Several times, I told her no, because I was busy cooking, and I didn\’t have time to care about her after I said it. In the end, she threw it while I repeated \”You can\’t throw it\” in pieces. So Su Bao became a slut when it came to throwing food and began not to take the rules seriously. After deciding to implement the \”twice rule\”, I would stop her twice and ask her to leave the table if she throws it the third time. Su Bao was so shocked that the habit of throwing food got better on his own. I learned a lot about this from the American mothers around me. Once in an early childhood education class, I met a two-year-old boy who deliberately hit the child with a toy. His mother quietly told the child \”this is wrong\” several times, but he still didn\’t stop. The mother told the child that we can\’t play here today. go home. I saw this child again later and found that he had never hit anyone again. When a baby is about two years old, he will go through a period of self-awareness called Terrible twos. He likes to confront his parents, and even make trouble unreasonably. This is a normal stage for the baby\’s emotional development. The two-and-a-half-year-old son of a good friend of Su\’s mother refused to put away his toys and started crying and rolling on the floor. Mom first cried with him for a while, then she brought a blanket and said, Mom is going to do things now. If you want to cry, you can cry for a while, but the ground is too cold, so you can wrap yourself in a blanket and cry. After saying that, he went to the kitchen to cook (so smart). The child found that it was useless to unreasonably threaten his parents with crying, and quickly put away the toys obediently. Children are very smart little animals, they are testing our sense of boundaries all the time. because of persistenceBased on this principle, after I set a rule for Su Bao, I usually remind him twice to achieve the effect, and there is no need to go to the third step. Don\’t say no to your children easily, but when you say yes, you must let your children understand that mother is serious. Communicate in a timely manner and understand empathy. Su Bao has recently begun to show signs of Terrible twos. For example, she once deliberately fell on the floor while drinking water. After I stopped her, she sat down on the ground and started crying. I knelt down and stayed with her, and after she calmed down a little, I told her what she had done wrong, then gave her a hug and told her that her mother still loved her very much. Then I would say: The floor is wet, let\’s wipe it clean together. I learned this method from a little book called \”One Minute Father\”, written by Spencer Johnson. This book was translated into Chinese in the 1980s. My mother bought it for my father when I was a child. Later, I accidentally picked it up from the bookcase at home. After reading it, I really benefited a lot, so I also bought a copy for Dad Su to read. A child\’s unruly behavior is often just a self-expression of negative emotions. Parents promptly acknowledge the child\’s emotions, help her sort out her emotions, recognize her own behavior, and give her child a strong feeling of being loved, which is the most effective discipline. May we all be gentle yet firm parents.