Why do many children grow up unhappy? Because my parents didn’t provide enough of these 5 things when I was young

What is happiness? Speaking of happiness, many people will think of a poem \”Facing the Sea, Spring Flowers Bloom\” by the famous Chinese poet Haizi. The poem writes, \”From tomorrow onwards, be a happy person; feed horses, chop firewood, and travel around the world.\” The happiness Haizi describes is also the happiness that most people pursue, that is, a successful career, a happy family, and free time. , financial freedom. This is the happy life! Therefore, many parents are trying to train their children well so that they can become promising people in the future and be able to pursue their own happiness. However, many people will find, including ourselves, why children who grow up with parents’ expectations are not happy at all? Suhomlinsky said: In the syllabus and textbooks, it is stipulated to give students all kinds of knowledge, but they do not give students the most important thing, which is: happiness. How can we let our children have the ability to perceive happiness when they grow up? If you want your children to have the ability to perceive happiness when they grow up, parents must provide these five things when they were young. Have you done all of them? The first thing: a sense of security. A sense of security is related to the happiness of a child\’s life. A person with a sense of security will emit a warm light, which not only warms himself, but also illuminates others. Only when a child has established a sufficient sense of security can he grow up happily, freely and healthily. A child\’s lack of sense of security will be difficult to make up for in his lifetime. There are three elements in the formation of a child\’s sense of security: time, people, and relationships. The first element: time. Educator Dr. Montessori once pointed out that the stage from 0 to 3 years old is the first period when a person\’s body and mind must achieve harmony; because the development of the entire life in the future is determined by the quality of the first stage of development. Certainly. Whether parents can establish a sense of security for their children during this period determines his lifelong emotional connection with the outside world. The development of a child in the first three years of his life exceeds in extent and importance any stage in a child\’s life. The second element: characters. After a child is born, the first caregiver is the mother, and the mother naturally becomes the child\’s most important attachment object. Raising a newborn child is a mother’s sacred duty, and no one can replace it. Mothers are replaced during infancy and early childhood, and children tend to feel insecure when they grow up. The third element: relationship. There is a very famous \”Harlow\’s Rhesus Monkey\” experiment in psychology: researchers separated newborn monkeys from their mothers and then locked them with two artificial \”mothers\”. One is a wire mother with a milk bottle hanging on her chest; the other is a cloth mother, with no milk but soft flannel. The experimental results showed that only when the little monkey is too hungry, it will go to the wire mother to suck milk. At other times, it will run to stay with the flannel mother. In subsequent years, scientific research has confirmed that the attachment relationship between mothers and infants is not just as simple as breastfeeding, but also has other important links, such as physical contact, touching, timely response to the child\’s interaction, etc. No matter what the reason is, in the first year after the child is born, the first caregiver is best to be the mother. Because during this period, the child and the mother need and depend on each other to live together; so that both parties can smoothly go through this huge change both physically and psychologically.A period of change, also known as the \”symbiosis period.\” The second thing: stay with your child attentively. In the eyes of your child, home is his whole world. For them, the greatest happiness is nothing more than the attentive company of their parents, and nothing more than the whole family being happy together. You may say, I know the importance of spending time with my children, but with so much work and so many things to do, how can I have so much time to spend with my children? Parents\’ education has an \”validity date\”. Once you don\’t cherish it and miss this validity period, your child\’s growth will be delayed. The time when children need their parents\’ company most is in the first few years of life. As he grows up, he becomes independent. If he does not establish a sufficient sense of security and happiness when he is young, his independence may have problems of one kind or another, and his distance from his parents will become farther and farther. At that time, you will regret how important and urgent it is to accompany your children and give them a sense of happiness. Companionship does not require us to stay with our children all the time, but to be able to respond to our children when they need you. Some parents accompany their children, but instead of doing their own things, they play on their mobile phones, watch TV, play mahjong, and just \”accompany\” their children. This kind of companionship has no guidance, no education, and it cannot give children a sense of security and happiness. True companionship means that parents should interact more with their children, observe their children\’s behavior and performance; carefully prepare a suitable growth environment for their children, strive to discover the shining points of their children, and continue to enlighten and guide them. When you pour companionship, patience and love into your children, your children will naturally reward you with a star-like self in return. The third thing: Be encouraged. Children need support, recognition and encouragement from their parents, and know themselves through their parents’ positive responses. So, how should we encourage our children? What kind of positive response to children is effective? The following suggestions are shared with you: 1. Affirm the child’s inherent qualities, not talents. Many people praise and encourage children, saying that they are beautiful, smart, etc. These expressions emphasize that children are born with a certain temperament that can be obtained without any effort. If you continue to encourage your children in this way, the children may think: \”I am born smart, so I don\’t have to study hard.\” Therefore, when praising or encouraging children, parents should pay more attention to their children\’s intrinsic qualities; such as diligence and hard work. , describe more details, so that children will value the process of their own efforts. We can say: \”Baby, you have achieved such good results because of your hard work every day. Mom is proud of you!\” 2. Follow objective facts and not be exaggerated. Children need to be encouraged, but they must also follow objective facts and not be exaggerated. Appropriate praise will be counterproductive. Over the weekend, I saw a few boys who looked like elementary school students using the long escalator in the mall as a slide and sliding in various ways; the parents below not only did not stop them, but also praised their children for being \”amazing\” while recording the video. This kind of praise from parents obviously ignores the rules and education, and is a disguised form of encouragement for children to do wrong things. The more children are encouraged by this kind of praise, the more they will disobey the rules and do more dangerous things. How to praise children correctlyWoolen cloth? 1. Don’t give general praise, such as you are awesome, you are so smart, etc.; 2. Praise your children must be specific and pay attention to the process of their efforts, so that the children know what is the best in them; 3. Let the children understand the process of hard work. More important than results. Children seek affirmation and recognition from their parents more or less throughout their lives; if they receive praise, respect and recognition, they will be more than happy to show their parents through actions how good they are. The fourth thing: being allowed to make mistakes. Making mistakes on the way to growth is not terrible, but not even having the opportunity to \”try and make mistakes\” is the most terrible thing. After children make mistakes, they often dare not tell the truth due to fear. If the parents reprimand them severely, they will not know the truth of the matter, nor will they know why their children do what they do. When a child makes a mistake, parents must calm down, calm the child\’s emotions first, and ask him how he plans to deal with the matter. \”What are you going to do? Do you need my help?\” From the child\’s statement, parents can also find out what the child\’s needs are through the child\’s behavior, and the child\’s motivation for doing so will be clear at a glance. For some insignificant mistakes, parents should not rush to criticize their children and let them explore boldly. Children\’s \”mistakes\” are often caused by their constant attempts to understand the rules of the world. Making mistakes is not terrible. Teaching children to face and deal with mistakes correctly is what parents should do. Montessori teaching encourages children to \”make mistakes\”, and teachers will not actively help children \”correct\” their mistakes. Why? Many Montessori teaching aids have an error control function, that is, children can \”correct\” their own mistakes through continuous trial and error of teaching aids. Dr. Montessori mentioned in his original book \”The Absorbent Mind\”: Error control is a directional pointer that can tell us whether the direction we are taking is correct or deviated from the goal. The process of children making mistakes is actually a process of continuous learning and self-improvement. The fifth thing: Life is full of ritual Haruki Murakami said: \”Ritual is a very important thing.\” To a certain extent, most of a child\’s happiness comes from family rituals. Life requires a sense of ritual, and a life with a sense of ritual can bring us a great sense of happiness. What is the sense of ritual in life? I think the simplest explanation is that any small habits and hobbies that can make you feel happy can be rituals. For example, hugging your children every time you go out or come home, taking a family photo once a year, receiving surprise gifts from family members on holidays or anniversaries… This \”sense of ritual\” tightly connects all members of the family and accepts each other. , recognize each other and gain strength from them. Children will also be deeply affected by living in a family with a strong sense of ritual; seeing their parents take every ordinary day seriously, children will learn to take life more seriously. The sense of ritual that a child receives when he is a child is a beam of light that illuminates his future happiness. The ritual life that parents bring to their children is the child\’s ability to create happiness in the future. Dr. Montessori once said, \”The happiness of adults is closely related to the kind of life lived in childhood.\” Everything we do to our children will bear fruit, not only affecting his life, but also determining his future.His whole life. Lucky children can draw love and strength from childhood throughout their lives. I hope that every parent can meet the needs of their children in these five aspects when their children are young; fill their children\’s hearts with happiness and security, so that they will always have the courage to face all kinds of things in the world!