Why do some children not like to speak in class? Psychological reasons that subvert your cognition

A few days ago, a mother asked me why her child refused to speak in class. I have met her child. Although his personality is not very extroverted, he is not the kind of child who is introverted and shy and dare not express himself. I said that I had thought about this issue when I was studying psychology, and my own children had also experienced it, so it was just right to talk about it. But what I can give you is not an answer, just a perspective. Moreover, you must be mentally prepared. This perspective derived from Adlerian psychology may be a bit subversive to cognition. Adler studied the \”psychology of the strong\”, but in real life there are always more weak people and fewer strong people, so when you listen to his point of view, if you find that there is a violent collision with your own cognition, you need to pay more attention to it. Concentration. But what I can guarantee is that you will definitely gain something after listening to it. It will not only inspire your children’s education, but it may also extend to yourself, giving you a clearer workplace mentality. Alfred Adler, the founder of individual psychology. 1. Let’s start with myself. I was the kid who didn’t like to speak in class since I was a child. It wasn’t because of expression problems, or social fear, or simply because I didn’t want to speak in class. I like the process of speaking. First, I need to rush to raise my hands with my classmates, waiting to be called on by the teacher. Then, if I answer well, the teacher will praise me with a satisfied look, and finally let me sit down. Throughout the process, I represent the person who expects to be selected and evaluated, while the teacher represents the authority who can choose and be evaluated. It felt like a puppy waiting to be \”pampered\”. Maybe I exaggerated a bit, but that was the real subconscious mind at the time. Therefore, although I know the answers to almost all the questions asked by the teacher, I almost never raise my hand to speak. However, not speaking as a child does not affect my expression as an adult. When I entered the university and ran for the student union, I would speak when it was time to speak. When I entered the workplace and expressed my stance on the firm, I would also speak out. I am clear that my speech is based on self-expression that is strongly related to my goals and is not intended to gain authoritative approval. 2. After becoming a mother, my daughter entered kindergarten and encountered the same problem. The teacher told me at the parent exchange meeting that Qianxun didn\’t seem to like speaking in class. Other children raised their hands enthusiastically, but she didn\’t raise her hand every time. I chatted with Qianxun when I got home and found that she knew all the questions asked by the teacher in class. She thought that I would ask her to speak proactively in class. I didn\’t. I said that my mother was just like you when she was a child, and she wasn\’t very interested in taking the initiative to speak. (Inner OS: Not to mention taking the initiative to speak in class, I am not very interested in speaking proactively in the crowd. I don’t need to prove myself, I only speak when necessary) Then I simulated my mentality back then with her, and she agreed. But she was still young at that time and didn\’t understand psychology, so I didn\’t talk in depth. I just sympathized with her and gave her the advice: \”Relax. If you want to speak, speak. If you are not interested, don\’t speak.\” It doesn’t matter. As long as daily expressions are normal, classroom speeches will not have much impact on growth. “After entering elementary school, I found that the little girl grew up rapidly. Through our daily “mutual confrontation”,Thinking and insight are developing vigorously, so the content of the conversation with her is deepening intentionally or unintentionally. One day, we talked about the issue of speaking in class again. I thought it was about time to have a more in-depth discussion, so I talked to her about Adler\’s explanation of \”praise\” in psychology. Most children speak actively in class just to get praise from the teacher. The reason why some children who are independent-minded and have no defects in expression ability are unwilling to speak in class is precisely because they subconsciously reject \”praise\”. Content that subverts cognition is here, everyone, get ready. Adlerian psychology believes that this kind of subconscious rejection is not wrong. The essence of praise is \”the evaluation of a capable superior to an incompetent subordinate.\” If you feel happy about being praised, it means you are the subordinate in a power relationship. When educating children or training subordinates, we usually use two methods, one is the criticism education method, and the other is the praise education method. Which one do you think is better? Most people would think the latter is better, because praise will form positive feedback, while criticism will make the other person shrink. Adler disagreed. He believed that communication should be neither criticism nor praise. Praising this kind of behavior is actually looking down, and it is the evaluation of the superior person to the inferior person. People will praise a child who takes the initiative to help move things. He is so sensible and amazing, but a grown man who does the same thing will not receive such praise. When a teacher or mother says to a child, \”Well done, well done,\” etc., it actually creates a superior-subordinate relationship. Adler also boldly proposed that the purpose of praising others is to manipulate others who are less capable than themselves. There is no gratitude or respect in this. Just like taming animals, whether they are whipped or given candy, the purpose behind it is manipulation. Therefore, Adlerian psychology denies reward and punishment education because it subconsciously aims to manipulate children. 3. When you see this, you will definitely retort: ​​\”No, for children, it is very happy to be praised by their parents. It is because they hope to be praised that they study hard and perform well. This is an instinctive feeling, not This strange theory you mentioned. \”Adler believes that the problem with people who want to be praised by others or conversely want to praise others is that they simply understand all interpersonal relationships as power relationships. If you want to be praised, you are always pursuing horizontal evaluation in interpersonal relationships, that is, you are always pursuing the recognition of others and living to meet the expectations of others. Conversely, when you praise others, you are also evaluating others and requiring others to live a life that meets your expectations. Behind this is actually a set of power logic of manipulation and interference. You don’t have to rush to object. You can calm down and take a look. When you praise your child for a certain behavior, do you have a sense of \”manipulation and interference\” because you subconsciously feel that his behavior meets your standards? Praise, when a child\’s behavior does not meet your standards, the subconscious reaction is to withdraw the praise and replace it with criticism. You might say, you can\’t just ignore it. of course not. Let’s take children’s learning as an example. Learning is a child’s own subject. He should not study hard just to get praise from his parents or teachers., perform well. After understanding that learning is a child\’s own subject, what we need to do is not to strengthen the influence of praise or criticism in his learning process. Instead, we should work hard to help the child build self-confidence that \”she can learn well\” and help her use her own strength to solve problems without praising or criticizing. Adler called this kind of assistance that is divorced from power relations \”encouragement.\” Speaking of this, I thought of a very touching example in the documentary \”Childhood in a Foreign Country\” that I shared before. In the episode about Finnish education, director Zhou Yijun said that the most impressive thing was when a Finnish teacher shared her unique way of handling painting assignments. She never graded the works, but encouraged students to express and explore their own ideas freely. \”Everyone can draw, and because these drawings are not for competition, they can look at them in a more creative way and express themselves freely on paper.\” This is a great idea for those who have been taught rewards and punishments since childhood and require constant comparison and competition. For people, it is simply a profound emotional resonance. Zhou Yijun was also deeply moved during the filming and cried uncontrollably in front of the camera. 4. I also have personal experience. When Qianxun was in the lower grades of elementary school, she encountered some difficulties in speaking English. It was always difficult to read long passages smoothly. At that time, the teacher asked everyone to post oral practice videos in the group every day, and praise them if they read well, which made her very depressed. During that time, I felt that her entire mood was driven by the teacher\’s praise. She would be very happy if she was praised for reading a little better. But two days later, she would find that she was not among the people being praised, and she would feel very depressed. . Later, I left the group directly. I said, my mother has communicated with the teacher. From today on, you no longer need to send videos to the group. My mother will directly send the recorded video to the teacher via private message. If there are any questions, the teacher will tell me in the private message. Then, I would practice with her repeatedly without any praise or criticism. If there were any difficulties, I would solve them, and if she made progress, we would encourage her together. Now my spoken English is much smoother than before, and I can even use English to criticize me. I told Qianxun, you don’t need to care too much about praise, let alone work hard for praise. One\’s own abilities need to be realized by relying on the evaluation of others, which is very unstable. If you work hard to get praise, you are submitting to a power relationship and admitting your lack of ability. You will always label yourself a weak person and need to rely on others for affirmation. Once other people\’s evaluation changes, you will feel anxious, angry, and flustered. For the purpose of getting praise, you will eventually choose a lifestyle that caters to other people\’s values. This is a way of survival for the weak. I hope you will maintain a strong mind and survive in a strong way. Because in my mind, the ultimate purpose of education is not to impart knowledge and compete for selection, but to cultivate a real person who is independent, powerful, and emotionally healthy.