Why do you see all your children’s shortcomings and shortcomings?

\”How many times have I told you, don\’t make the house such a mess!\” \”Can you put your clothes on properly and stop them from being crooked? You are so old that I don\’t want to talk to you anymore.\” \”Eat quickly and don\’t delay?\” How can you be so stupid, write something so simple and wrong!\”… The baby who used to be cute no matter how he looked at it, even if he was doing damage, still thought he was a smart little troublemaker, why did he later become a child full of shortcomings in the eyes of his parents?\” Troublemaker\”? Hot tempered, impolite, naughty, timid and shy… children have more and more shortcomings. do you know? It’s not that children have changed, it’s that the filter through which we view children has changed. Shakespeare has a famous saying: In the eyes of a thousand people, there are a thousand Hamlets. If a child is compared to Hamlet, which one do we see? Some of the so-called shortcomings exist objectively, and some are caused by our excessive expectations. It is the high standards in our hearts that \”accidentally hurt\” children. If we compare children with our expectations, children are often wrong. If you just look at the child himself, you will definitely be able to see the child\’s strengths… American psychology master Rogers said: \”Love is deep understanding and acceptance.\” But in fact, the most common mistake parents make is that they cannot truly accept their children. The most authentic look. He likes to use the experience of others to forcefully transform his children: not accepting his way of being alone and forcing him to socialize; not accepting his introverted appearance and forcing him to express himself in public; not accepting his hobbies and forcing him to do what he thinks is right. They even refused to accept that he was left-handed and forced him to use his right hand… Worldly standards, other people\’s opinions, everything, all override the child\’s feelings. The shortcomings of the child you see may be subjective and one-sided. I once saw such a parent-child consultation case: During a consultation, the child’s mother went to a meeting, and the father first told the counselor about the child’s situation the day before. Said: Last night at dinner, the child always left the table and wandered around; when playing games, he would jump up and down when he was excited. Even if he was told that this would affect the people downstairs, he would not listen; he had been doing crafts for a long time, and finally He didn\’t clear the table; he brushed his teeth and washed himself very late, and he still pestered me to tell him a story. Listening to the father\’s description, you may feel that the child\’s performance in all aspects is not good enough, which is a headache. It just so happened that my mother finished work and joined the consultation. What she described was a completely different version: Yesterday, the child was very happy to come back. He hugged his mother and said \”I love you so much\”; he did leave two or three times during the meal, but he just wandered around for a while. , he came back without any reminder, which is already a great improvement. In the past, he would leave at most seven or eight times. When children play games, they mainly jump on the sofa, and occasionally jump to the ground once or twice. When doing handicrafts, especially I put in the work, it\’s in good condition, it\’s done very delicately, it\’s very beautiful, and I\’m very satisfied when it\’s done. Then I took the initiative to brush my teeth and wash up. I had to tell stories and really convinced my parents strongly. We didn\’t agree, and he didn\’t get angry, so he went to bed. He was very talkative. Comparing the two perspectives, it is obvious that the mother is positive and the father is negative. Same child, same thingWhy is love so different in the eyes of different people? In fact, seeing children is not as simple as the surface. We should not easily label children\’s behavior as bad! Ask yourself these three questions before evaluating your child: First, is it comprehensive? Second, is the degree accurate? Third, do you see your child’s feelings? Why does Dad always see the bad things? From the father\’s description, we can feel that he tends to see his children with worry and anxiety, and has many \”shouldn\’ts\” and \”can\’ts\” in his mind. Therefore, the child leaves the table, or the child jumps to the ground. Such behavior directly sets off his alarm. In fact, the father\’s heart was not in the present. He did not understand what the child was doing when he left the dining table and whether he came back on his own initiative. In my father\’s eyes, leaving the dinner table is not allowed and is a wrong behavior defined in his heart. Dad said \”always leave\”, but in fact it only happened two or three times. Dad said \”jumping when excited\”, but in fact, he jumped to the ground only once or twice. From the father\’s perspective, we see a lot of problems and cannot see the vitality and vitality of a child. From the mother\’s perspective, the child immediately came alive. When he is happy, he expresses love, is energetic when playing games, is immersed in crafts, and has persistence and sense of propriety when making demands. This example is particularly interesting. From the father’s perspective, the above three questions are used: whether the view is comprehensive, whether the degree is accurate, and whether the child’s feelings are seen to improve and make choices. The result is closer to the mother’s perspective, which is more comprehensive. , more accurate and more objective. Parents\’ evaluation is the most important window for children to understand themselves. For children, parents\’ evaluation is the first window for them to understand themselves. The qualities you cannot see in a child cannot be seen by him himself! How parents view their children is how children view themselves. When parents see a child with flaws, the child\’s self-perception is also like \”I\’m bad, I can\’t do it.\” When parents see only the advantages of their children, the children will believe that they are so good, become more confident, sunny, and want to become better. The world-famous family therapy master Ms. Satya once said: A person is inextricably linked to his family of origin, and this connection may affect his life. Edison was able to become a great inventor precisely because he had a great mother who was good at discovering his strengths. When Edison was in elementary school, the school bought new teaching aids. He was very curious, so he took them all apart and couldn\’t put them back together. The teacher was so angry that he invited his mother. The teacher said to Edison\’s mother: \”Your son loves to take apart things too much. You need to make him change this problem!\” Unexpectedly, his mother responded like this: \”Teacher, I think you are wrong! I have been observing my son for a long time. \”The biggest difference between him and others is that he likes to take things apart. If you ask him to change this, then wouldn\’t my son be just like others?\” Edison\’s mother believed that this was her son\’s greatest advantage. Liking to take things apart is actually a sign of strong curiosity, which is the driving force for IQ development. It was precisely because of his mother\’s encouragement that Edison\’s hands-on ability became stronger and stronger, and he finally became a 2-year-old boy.One of the scientists who made the greatest contributions to mankind in the 20th century. It can be said that without Edison\’s mother, there would be no Edison\’s success. It was she who discovered what was unique about her son, discovered his talents, and protected his precious curiosity. Only when parents accept and identify with their children from the bottom of their hearts can children let go of other people\’s opinions and be themselves calmly. Even though the whole world looks at him with strange eyes, he still lives a strong and confident life. There is a joke about being a Bole who can find the bright spots of children: During class, the teacher saw two students sleeping with their pillows on their books. One of them was a student with good grades and the other was a student with poor grades. The teacher pulled the poor student up and scolded him: \”You really don\’t want to make progress. You fall asleep as soon as you read.\” Then he pointed at the student with good grades and said, \”Look at other students, they are reading even when they are sleeping.\” Although he is a leader. It\’s an ironic joke, but it also tells us a truth: As long as parents are attentive, no matter how bad their children are, they can still find bright spots. After all, sleeping in class can be said to be \”still reading while sleeping.\” With this kind of appreciation mentality, are you worried that you can\’t see the shining points in your children? Just like looking at the sky at dawn, some people see the darkness suppressing the sun, and there is only darkness in their eyes; while some people see the light behind the night, and their eyes are full of light. The same is true when we look after our children. When you see the light in them, the child will definitely be able to see the shining self in your eyes, instead of the self that is always criticized and beaten by others. A mother went to a parent-teacher conference, but the teacher told her that her child was the worst in the class and would be distracted after sitting for no more than three minutes. After the mother went back, she said to her child: \”The teacher praised you and said that you can now sit three-pointers, which is a great improvement.\” The child was very excited. He was slowly able to sit still for five or ten minutes… This mother used this method to send her child to Tsinghua University. In fact, this is the famous \”Rosenthal effect\”, also called the \”expectation effect\”. There is a world-class liar named Rosenthal, who is a world-famous psychologist. Once he went to a school, randomly selected a dozen children, and insisted that they were geniuses. Eight months later, the principal and teachers of the school really discovered that these children had made significant progress and gradually turned into geniuses. If a naughty child drives you crazy and it’s difficult for you to find the child’s shining points, let’s take a look at the talents hidden behind the child’s shortcomings! Do you feel better after discovering that your child\’s shortcomings may indicate his unusual talents? \”There are Bole in the world, and then there are thousand-mile horses. There are always thousand-mile horses, but there are not always Bole.\” This sentence is enough to illustrate the importance of Bole. What parents need to do is to be a Bole who can discover the advantages in their children. The more parents can discover the shining points of their children, the more positive incentives they can bring to their children. Childhood is not far away. Every day we accompany our children to grow up is the childhood they are experiencing. How will children recall their childhood in the future? Are you constantly questioned and attacked, or are you respected and understood? It often affects the child\’s life. Finally, you can also try this little heart-warming method: I use sticky notes to write down my children’sEvery little moment when your child \”shines\”, post it where everyone can see it, and share it with each other. Slowly, many children’s advantages have been accumulated!